Monk

Ladies and gentlemen, if you follow me,

I think you would find this next room very interested.

You can do what you get to canvass but...

this is the world famous Cromwell family exhibit.

I still get goosebumps everytime I walk into this room.

It is the largest private collection in Europe.

The Cromwell family has collected everything

from furniture and paintings to medieval weaponry.

This, of course, is the crown jewel of the exhibit.

No pun intended.

The Alexander diamond.

It was worn by queen Elizabeth at her coronation.

Experts have called it the most perfect diamond in the world.

You're probably wondering what it's worth.

Actually, no one knows. But I can tell you this.

That little rock has been insured by Lloyd's of London for $20 million.

MONK Season 4 Epi. 13 Mr. Monk and the Big Reward

2006/02/03

- That's $42.80. - Okay, there we go.

And I have a coupon.

I can't take this, it expired yesterday.

Yesterday? Oh, she's right.

Darn. Sometimes I wish I had a time machine.

Wait, if you had a time machine,

you would use it to go back to save 50 cents on lysol?

Yes. Yes, I would.

You wouldn't use it to save Abraham Lincoln?

Fine, I'll save Lincoln. It never ends with you.

Sir, do you have a different card? It says declined.

Declined?

Mr. Monk, do you have any money in the bank?

No. / That could be it. Okay.

I'm sorry. Please hurry.

All right, I've got... $34. / Is that it?

Yesterday was payday.

Yes, it was. But I didn't get paid.

You know, your paydays are becoming sort of theoretical.

Come on, you need to put some stuff back. / No, I can't.

Look, I, I...

I made a list. Everything here is on the list.

I know, I know. We're gonna come back later and pick it up.

- Come on, people are waiting. - Okay.

Uh, this then. Oh, wait, no. I need this.

Oh, this. Gotta have this spray.

All right, how about... how about one of these?

Yeah, this one. No, no. Um, no.

Let's go with that one. All right. Oh, wait a second.

Come on, hurry up!

It's like Sophie's choice. Except it's soup.

Okay, we're keeping the soup.

Putting back this, this, this, and this.

Mr. Monk, look at us. This is ridiculous. We're both broke.

We haven't had a new case in three weeks.

What do you want me to do?

You need to get a raise. You gotta talk to the captain.

We can't go on like this.

I'm not good at this, asking for more money.

Okay, then let me do the talking.

- I'm not good at that either. - Mr. Monk, you deserve a raise.

You've solved a lot of big cases for them single-handedly.

- Maybe I helped a little. - No, no, no, no.

You can't think like that.

You gotta brag about yourself. You gotta toot your own horn.

I'm not much of a tooter.

You better learn how to toot.

- Toot's a funny word. - Hilarious.

Oh, hello. Gladys.

Natalie Teeger, this is Gladys. Gladys is great.

Gladys has been cleaning up around here for years.

I used to help her out in my spare time.

- Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Remember? - Yeah.

Until I got that restraining order. Remember?

Good times. Good times.

You have to get underneath, right, Gladys? Under?

Why? Nobody ever looks there.

But you'll know it's clean. Isn't that its own reward? You'll know.

The captain says I don't have to talk to you.

I know, I know. But under, okay? Under the table.

I wanna help you guys, okay? I really do.

They already questioned me four times.

It's not just you, Mr. Landis.

We're talking to all the guards, the cleaning staff,

curators, anybody who was at the museum.

Yeah, but I haven't even been home yet.

And I appreciate that.

We just need your official statement, then you're free to go.

So for the record, where were you during the robbery?

For the fifth time, okay?

I was at my station on the main floor. I never left.

- I didn't even go to the bathroom. - And you didn't hear anything unusual?

No, sir. I was three floors away.

Okay.

Excuse me for a second. Can I get you something to drink? / No.

- Monk, Nat. / What's going on? - Oh, you haven't heard?

Robbery at the MacMillan museum. It was big big.

- The Alexander diamond. - Whoa.

I know whoa. Robbery division asked us to help out,

so we're taking statements from everybody on site.

So you're not arresting him about the drugs.

Uh, no. What drugs?

His fingertips are stained. Looks like red phosphorous.

You get that from making crystal meth. He's gotta have a lab somewhere.

Okay, I'll check it out.

Excuse me, Mr. Landis. Could you come here, please?

If the captain needs me, I'll be in interrogation room B.

Uh, right this way.

- What? - You know what.

You just solved that case for free.

What was I supposed to do?

Well, if you're selling ice cream, would you hand out free scoops?

What was I supposed to say?

Hey, lieutenant, there's a drug dealer somewhere in this room.

- I'll tell you who it is for $20. - At least we'd have $20.

All right, there's the captain.

Remember, you deserve a raise. You deserve it!

Okay, when you're right, you're right.

Okay, captain? / Hey, monk. What are you doing here?

Captain, I have to talk to you about something. / Can it wait?

Okay. Well, we'll come back.

Okay, we're back.

And... Natalie?

Captain... / If this is about money, forget about it. We're broke.

The department is strapped. We just got another hiring freeze.

Captain, we haven't had a new case in three weeks.

You know, you're right. There hasn't been a major homicide in a long time.

But you gotta keep your hopes up. Stay optimistic.

Okay, well, thank you very much.

Okay, captain, come on, we can't just sit around waiting for the phone to ring.

It's not fair to us. We have no security.

What do you want me to do?

- We wanna be put on retainer. - What?

Yeah, retainer like a lawyer. We want a guaranteed income.

Look, it doesn't have to be much. We just need a little security. / Yes.

Okay, I'll see what I can do. But don't get your hopes up, okay?

Anything else?

It's about Gladys.

- Have you been talking to Gladys? - Captain...

I told you not to talk to Gladys.

She's not cleaning under the tables again.

I think you should talk to her.

I will. About her aim.

Get him downstairs.

You were right.

I get this guy in the room,

he's denying everything. He's twitching, he's nervous.

I threaten to get a search warrant and tear his house apart.

I pick up the phone, I start to dial, he collapses.

He gave it all up. Crystal meth lab in his basement.

Narcotics is on their way over.

- I owe you one. - Okay.

- What? - You know what.

Oh, the thing?

- About the ice cream and the free scoops? - That's right.

Mr. Monk?

- We're rich. We hit the jackpot. - Oh, good.

Look, it's about the Alexander diamond.

Lloyd's of London is offering a $1 million reward to anybody that finds it.

- No questions asked. - So?

Mr. Monk, you can find that diamond.

Ah, I don't think so.

What? You're a great detective.

You solve crimes all the time without even trying.

It's annoying how many crimes you solve. Come on!

Let's go for it. Let's cash in!

Natalie, I don't do what I do for money.

Mr. Monk, it's a million dollars.

You'll never have to worry for the rest of your life.

Well, of course, you'll worry. But not about money.

- I don't know. - Mr. Monk, you have to do this.

I mean, I love this job, but I have to get paid.

Just, just please.

Just say yes. Say you'll do it. Just say yes!

Could you get off my counter?

Okay, fine. I'll do it.

A million dollars, a million dollars.

Congratulations.

Excuse me. Any suspect yet?

I wouldn't know, I'm just delivering flowers.

No, you're not. You're a private detective, just like me.

- Well, not quite like me. - Me, a detective?

That's pretty funny, actually.

I can't wait to tell the guys back at...

Look, you're insulting me. That satellite dish on your roof.

The number on the side, 555. Obviously a fake.

Conclusion number one, you're after the Alexander diamond.

Conclusion number two. You haven't got a prayer.

Excuse me, that's a handicapped spot.

It's okay, I'm psychotic.

Is this where they stole the rock?

- You addressing me? - Not anymore.

You, Poindexter. Is this the scene of the crime?

Excuse me, boys, I got a million dollars waiting for me inside.

Ah, apparently we think alike.

Frightening thought for those of us who aren't you.

Uh, Phillip Wick. Access to all areas. This'll do me.

Hello again.

What does this say?

Curator Sally Kanter.

Here, try this one, Robert Gant. That's a boy's name.

Uh, look, chaps, since we're all after the same thing,