Seinfeld

So I'm on a line at the supermarket.

Two women in front of me.

One of them, her total was $8.00.

The other, $3.00.

They both, of course, choose to pay

by the use of the...

Check.

Check.

Now... The fact is,

if it is a woman in front of you that's writing out the check,

you'll not be waiting long.

I have noticed that women are very fast with checks,

you know, because they write out so many checks.

The keys, they can never find in their purse.

The keys, they can never find in their purse.

They don't know where that is.

But the checkbook... They got that.

They never fumble for the checkbook.

They've got... The checkbook comes out of a holster.

Who do I make it out to?

There's my I.D.

There's something about a check

that, to a man, is not masculine.

I don't know exactly what it is.

I think, to a man,

I think, to a man,

a check is like a note from your mother that says,

"I don't have any money,

"but if you'll contact these people,

"I'm sure they'll stick up for me.

"If you could just trust me this one time.

"I don't have any money, but I have these.

"I wrote on these.

Is this of any value at all?"

What's that one?

The Return.

I guess they didn't like it up there.

Maybe they came back for Chinese food.

You know Maureen Stapleton...

she gets a craving,

she's probably screaming at those aliens,

"I gotta have a lo mein."

Okay, what are we doing here?

I have seen everything.

Oh, yeah?

I don't believe you've seen this.

I don't believe you've seen this.

Oh, lovely.

Yeah.

What do you think their parents think?

So, what's your son doing now, Dr. Stevens?

Oh, he's a public fornicator.

Yes, he's a fine boy.

You know what?

This would be a funny gift for Pamela's birthday.

Pamela. Do I know her?

Yeah, you met her when we were going out.

Oh, yeah, right.

Oh, yeah, right.

You have no idea who I'm talking about, do you?

No.

Blonde hair. Remember?

Glasses.

Have you totally blocked out

the entire time we were a couple?

Riverside Drive.

Right.

In fact...

No. Never mind.

Well, what is it?

Well, a bunch of people

are getting together tomorrow night at some bar

for her birthday,

but...

You don't wanna go to that. No. Okay.

You don't wanna go to that. No. Okay.

Wait a second. Wait a second.

We could work out a little deal here.

What little deal?

I will go to that...

You go with me to a little family wedding

I have on Saturday.

A wedding?

Have you lost it, man?

My parents are coming in for this.

They're coming in?

Yeah, tomorrow.

Hey, did your father ever get that hair weave?

No, no.

Still doing the big sweep across.

Why does he do that?

Why does he do that?

Doesn't think anyone can tell.

So, come on. Do we have a deal?

A wedding?

There's a lot of people to mock.

All right. What the hell.

Great.

When you're dead, you're dead.

That's it. You're not going anywhere.

Come on, let's go.

Come on.

Come on.

Was I supposed to bring something?

You could've.

I met her one time.

It is not necessary.

Then what did you say that for? Hi!

Hi, Pamela. You remember Jerry?

Hi. Yes, we met.

Happy birthday.

Thanks.

Everybody, this is Jerry and Elaine.

- Hi. - Hi.

I didn't bring anything.

I put you two right here.

Oh, okay.

I'm sorry. I didn't know what... you know.

I didn't hear. Nobody's told me anything...

How big a tip you think it would take

to get him to stop?

I'm in for five.

I'll supply the hat.

Uh-oh, what do we have here?

Why don't you relax and take your jacket off?

Oh, I can't.

I have a tendency to get chilly.

How masculine.

Plus, I'm wearing short sleeves.

I don't want to expose my tattoos.

She's unbelievable.

Hey, this guy says he knows Bricker.

Oh, you know Bricker.

From where?

From where?

What's going on here?

Gotta be a boyfriend.

She's too good to be alone.

What's the difference?

I can't maneuver anyway, with Elaine next to me.

How do you know Pamela?

Friend of a friend.

And you?

We went to law school together.

Oh, Jerry.

Oh, no. Not now.

I had this dream last night,

and you were in it.

Really? Yeah.

Oh, God. I've gotta get out of this.

You were you, but you weren't you.

You were you, but you weren't you.

No kidding.

Yeah.

Why is this happening? Please make her stop.

I think...

I think we were in my house where I grew up,

and you were standing there.

You were looking out the window.

This is brutal.

And then you turned around and you had these wooden teeth.

How do you like that?

Can I turn now? Is this over?

No, I can't, I can't.

I'm stuck.

Jerry,

are you listening to me?

are you listening to me?

Yes. I heard you.

Elaine, what's the name of that jewelry store

you took me to that time?

Thank you, Pamela.

So you're a lawyer?

Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim, and Taff.

Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim, and Taff.

Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim, and Taff.

Of course, they handled my tattoo-removal lawsuit.

Oh, that was you.

Imagine, spelling "mom" with two O's.

That's very funny.

What do you do?

Comedian.

Really? Well, that explains it.

Really? Well, that explains it.

Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim, and Taff.

Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim, and Taff.

You ready?

We gotta run.

Happy birthday.

Goodbye, everyone.

Thanks for coming.

Bye.

Bye.

I can't believe it. I've got nothing.

I don't even know her name.

Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim, and Taff.

Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppen...

Sagman... Bennett, Robbins...

Ro...

That wasn't so bad, really.