The Fan

Excited and anxious I await my dream

To escape, applaud And embrace my team

Opening day I always can trust

It's just for this high That I crazily lust

Return of our hero Does brighten the days

Just briefly, my troubles Get lost in the haze

The grace from the field Arouses the crowd

Reflects on the days When I was quite proud

I'm more entranced Than the average fan

I used to play, you see And I know I still can

That time I drove the ball With such loft

My exit atop shoulders As they carried me off

This pastime and I Just fade into one

Expanded upon From father and son

My boy is young And awkward for now

I just need the time And can show him how

I really am quite close Just a break away

From straightening things out And being okay

I can help my team To regain its glory

With just a little twist To the same old story

Players say now They play for themselves

This causes a burning Within me that dwells

The fan is the one Who pays for the game

Which bestows all the riches And welcomed fame

The players will listen But really don't hear

All the while just hiding Behind an invisible tear

I grow tired now of all this greed

And chart a course to set things free

We got our first caller. Is that Gil on the cellular?

Yes, sir, it sure is.

- What's that I hear in the background? - That's my Giants watch.

- I'm late for work. - Giants watch, great.

- What do you got for us, Gil? - It's just I'm really psyched.

Opening day's tomorrow. We're all psyched.

This is different. I've been waiting a long time for this one.

- What are you waiting for? - Bobby Rayburn. We got him.

- We're going all the way this year. - What would you bet on that?

- I'd bet everything I own, that's for sure. - I like this guy. You think Rayburn's...

...worth the 40 mil, huh? -.310 lifetime batting average.

He's worth twice that, three times that.

I bet he'd love to hear you say that. Let's see if we can get him on the line.

- You're gonna get him on the line? - "Yes. Hang on. Let's find Bobby."

When we come back, we will be talking to Bobby Rayburn.

Great.

You got Bobby Rayburn on the line yet?

Who the fuck does this guy think he is?

- Three- time National League MVP? - That allows him to fuck up my show?

- "Hello, I got Rayburn on the line." - We got him!

And go.

Welcome back, we're here with the hopes and dreams of all Giants fans.

Ex-Brave centre fielder and league RBI champ...

... four of the last five years, Local boy come home, Bobby Rayburn.

- How you doing, Bobby? - Hey, Jewel, how you doing?

Good to be talking to you. I want to tell you, I love your show.

- Thanks a lot. - Bobby, this is Bernie...

A lot of fans are on the line dying to talk to you.

But first, how does it feel to be back in the Bay Area?

I'm telling you, it's great. I grew up here. The Giants are my homies.

That's good to hear. But let me ask you this:

You're famous for your dedication to perfection.

You're one of the hardest-working players.

Don't forget "good-looking."

But come on, now. Bobby, baby...

...do you honestly think you are worth 40 million simoleons?

He's one of the best ballplayers in the league.

I'm glad you asked me. I don't like to put a money value on a human being.

But I think I have given 100 percent to every franchise I've played with.

Attaway, Bobby!

Thank you for not answering.

- Better retreat. - She's a riot.

What about the fans? Won't all this money raise their expectations?

I hope so. I consider myself a baseball fan first and a player second.

And in the game of baseball, it's all about the fans.

- You tell them, Bob. - And the Juan Primo controversy?

Giants centre fielder since 1990.

You come in, bump him to the left. Some people resent that.

- Bitch! - I don't think Primo's one of them.

You know, he's a team player.

That makes him great. I look forward to playing with him.

That's great, Bobby. Let's get back to our callers. Gil?

- Yeah, am...? Am I on the air? - Yes, you are, Gil.

Jewel, why do you have to be so negative?

Come on, I'm a sweetheart.

The guy's making a lot of money. Would you turn it down?

You'd be nuts to turn them down.

Why be down on Rayburn because he's not nuts?

You got a point. I apologize.

- "Hey, Bobby, are you listening to me?" - I sure am!

- Thanks for backing me up, man. - No problem. It's a pleasure.

Just remember where you heard it first.

I played the game. I know what I'm talking about.

Grew up on the Giants.

My dad moved the family here when the Giants moved here.

I watched you ever since you hit the grand slam...

...against South Bay in the '82 city championship.

That's when I saw you were somebody special, and you never let me down.

When the two of you come together, Rayburn and the Giants...

...that's like a magical conjunction, like the alignment of the planets.

You're gonna bring us all the way. Who said it first?

You did, Gil! You did!

- Attaway, Bobby! - We hope so.

- Bobby, let's talk about your divorce. - Christ, look.

I just got to the ballpark. I'm really sorry, but I gotta go.

- Really enjoyed talking to you. - Anytime, Bobby. Good luckout there.

We will be right back.

- I am so surprised he hung up. - Thank you.

Giants haven't had a one- two punch like this since Mays and McCovey.

Joining the list of bullshit excuses...

...we've had a lot of whining...

...about product quality from certain members of our sales force.

Example: The two Jima line.

Gil, do you see any quality problems there?

Blade's too thin, pommel's too light, and there's a half tang hidden in there.

Maybe that's why you're not selling.

Sweet.

Somebody made a mistake, man. I wear number 11.

- I'm sorry. I didn't know. - It's cool. Manny, just handle it.

Me? I think this knife's an asskicker.

This door, on the other hand, comes off a foreign car.

Well, need I say more?

- Why are you guys still here? - There's been a glitch, okay?

- I'm working on it. - What's a "glitch"?

A detail that hasn't been worked out. Permutation that happens in...

What? With my number?

- Yeah, with your number. - No, no, no.

Manny, you know I wear number 11.

- Of course. - So there shouldn't be any problem.

It is a problem. Primo wears 11.

Tickets in yet?

Tickets? What tickets?

- Opening day. - You got other things to worry about.

I'll let you in on a little secret, Gil. You came this close to kissing pavement.

- How about that close? - Yeah.

Management had you on the list. I talked them out of it.

Don't make me regret it.

- Thanks, master. - Okay, fuck it.

I'm not playing with number 33. You understand?

I know. Just be cool. Let me take care of it.

Three times 11 is 33. You may play three- times better.

Thanks. I'll talk to you in a minute.

Jesus was 33 when he died. People still talk about him.

- Give me my number. - Think about it, seriously.

Should I fire him?

I should fire him, huh? I should fire his butt.

Good form.

Seriously. I promised those tickets to my clients.

Don't make me look like an asshole. Please.

- I do have a reputation to uphold. - A reputa...

Jesus-fucking"..."

Nobody cares. You're stuck in a time warp with your head up your ass.

- Why, because I don't wanna sell crap? - We are not dedicated to perfection!

People don't want quality. They want cheap product.

When that fucks up, they want to replace it, so that's what we give them.

You got till the end of the month, Gil.

Look...

...McKinley and Everest is our biggest account. You better close on it.

Bring in the fucking numbers.

Asshole.

Sid, what was the missing link on your ball club last season?

We'd have made the playoffs if Rayburn hadn't hit that three- run shot in Atlanta.

Everybody said, "Why don't we have a slugger like that?" Now we do.

- Bobby, a picture? - Why don't we take one with Primo.

- Sounds good. - Keep smiling.

Keep fucking smiling.

- I hope you like it in centre field. - Yeah, I hope you like it in left.

No more questions.

2.5 million signing bonus. Half this year and half the next. Yeah.

Well, well, if it isn't Jewel, my favourite token female sports reporter.

- Blow me, Manny. - I would, but you haven't had your shots.

There were also bonuses based on winning the MVP...

I want an interview with Rayburn, Manny.

Are we talking about "the overpaid, overrated SOB...

...with the pending divorce Rayburn?

- I call them as I see them. - Well, you've been crossed off the list.

- I knew you'd understand. - Deferred payments starting 2007.

Cut the crap. Are you saying there's no way to get your boy to talk to me?

Is that what you're saying? He's gotta talk to me.

I'm saying he'd rather nail his penis to a burning building.

I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to her.

Checkout this puppy.

The walk and the talk.

How's it walk? How's it talk? This is the one.

Are you happy with your current supplier?

Any more of these demonstrations, I'll have to start shaving my legs.

Renard & Garrity hunting supplies.

The big motherfucker, the little motherfucker. Which do you want?

Any more demos, I'll have to start shaving the hairs on my ass.

As you can see, the performance on this baby is really something.

"Knife doing business.

Come on, bring it, baby. Bring it.

- Jesus Christ. - Poetry in motion, baby.

- Two behind home plate? - I'm your man.

Two hundred dollars each.

- Two hundred apiece? - Two hundred.

- That's a lot. How about 125? - Fuck 125. This is opening day here.

- Two hundred, goddamn it. Jesus. - Okay, okay, okay.

Now you want the tickets, huh?

Anytime I can do you more fucking favours, you just let me know, all right?

You in a coma or what, buddy? Get the fuckout of here.

- Know what bugs me about you guys? - Like I care.