Mr. Woodcock

[Basketball bouncing, shoes squeaking]

What is this?

Uh!

Good hands, Nedderman. Take a lap.

By itself, a basketball is just a round sack of air.

- - Like many of you.

But in the hands of someone properly trained...

in its use and skilled in its art...

- this ball can do great things. -

Oates, I can hear you wheezing from here.

Take a lap. Lose the asthma.

To survive outside these walls...

you need more than just math and science.

The world does not stop...

for people who can spell fancy words...

or tell you the capital of Montana.

The capital of Montana, Watson?

- Helena? - Who cares'? Take a lap.

The only thing that matters in this world, ladies, is strength.

Strength of body and strength of mind.

Now if you're not strong enough...

by the time you leave these doors...

you may as well give up and go home to your mommas.

Or grandma. Put your hand down, Lewis.

We all know your parents died. Give it a rest.

- Oh! - Pick up the pace, Nedderman.

Well, Farley, it looks like you forgot your gym clothes again.

No, sir, somebody--

It's a rhetorical question, Farley.

- What'? - It's a rhetorical question.

That means you don't have to answer it.

Because either I already know the answer...

or I don't care what your answer is.

You see, in my class, Farley...

everyone is required to wear regulation gym shorts and shirt.

Gutierrez, go get the rentals.

Start changing.

- No, in line. - What?

See, the locker room is reserved...

for people who brought the appropriate attire.

- You change here. - It's OK, John. Be strong.

No talking, Nedderman. 10 laps.

- Take wheezy with you. -

Come on, let's go.

The rentals, Farley, that's 25 cents.

- But somebody stole my-- - I--I didn't ask you a question, Farley.

- Not even a rhetorical one. - Uh...

It seems to me that someone needs a lesson...

in personal responsibility.

Not even one chin-up, Farley?

Can't hang on!

You are a disgrace to fat...

gelatinous, out-of-shape little kids the world over.

I don't tolerate losers in my gymnasium.

- Are you gonna be a loser? - No, sir.

Rhetorical, Farley. I already know the answer.

Heads up, Nedderman.

Uh!

Don't you even think about letting go.

Don't you even think about letting go.

Uh!

- You guys ready to let go? Yeah!

All right!

- Mr. Farley? - Oh, sure. How you doing'?

- All right, what's your name? - Scott.

John, you don't have time for this.

- Oh... - Bye-bye.

I'm sorry, guys.

- Keep letting go. -John!John!

OK, now remember they're all potential stalkers.

Most want an autograph and a handshake...

but some of them want an autograph and a handshake...

and then they want to take you home, tie you up...

and saw your feet off.

- Well, hi there. - John Farley.

Your book saved my life.

I didn't do anything. You did it.

All I did was give you the raft.

- You had to inflate it yourself. - Mm-hm.

Mr. Farley, I used to feel ostracized because of my weight.

But with your help I'm starting to get my self-confidence back.

Ha. That's a great story.

Why don't you check out the free coffee and donuts?

Oh!

By letting go, do you mean we should just forget everything?

My morn said he wouldn't drink so much...

if he could just forget about that summer in Uncle Lou's house.

Well, we all have an Uncle Lou.

And we all drink for different reasons.

Long day-

I don't even think I can hold a pen anymore.

Let me give you the same advice I gave Nelson Mandela...

on his last book tour.

Quit whining, you pussy.

- That's helpful. - You have no idea...

the stuff that I am saving you from.

Some shithole in Nebraska wanted to give you...

their corn husk bucket or something.

The Corn Cob Key?

Uh, is that what it is? I--l don't know. "The Forest--

"...Meadow Nebraska Chamber of Commerce...

"wishes to award Mr. John Farley the Corn Cob Key to the City."

- Oh, my God. This is my hometown. -

- This is awesome. What did you tell them? - I told them yes.

- Really? - No.

Why? Wait.

Maggie, the Corn Cob Key is a huge honor.

They hardly ever give it out anymore...

but when they do it's the highlight of the whole cornival.

I'm sorry. Did you just say carnival'?

Well, yeah. It's a farm town...

so, you know, every year we have this big celebration.

Corn carnival. Cornival.

- Carnival. - Maggie, you don't understand.

My morn was Corn Cob Queen in 1970.

I mean, she still rides in the parade every year.

- This will mean so much to her. - Cornival?

You know what? Call them back.

I could fly in tomorrow and surprise her. It's perfect.

You would need a court order to make me go see my mom.

This is different. Since my dad died, I'm all she's got.

Oh, your dad's dead?

It's a major theme of my book.

The whole last chapter's about how I let go of that pain.

You haven't read my book, have you?

Well, there's no point now. You just ruined the ending.

Hi, John!

Welcome home, John. Ha ha ha!

Luke Jess-op, uh, Forest Meadow Town Council.

We appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule...

to--to--to come home and see the little people.

Thank you. This is great.

It's an honor to be considered worthy of the Corn Cob Key.

Well, you've earned it, young--

Young man. We are mighty proud of you.

So on behalf of--of--

Well, of all of us, John...

- Corn-gratulations! - Ha ha ha!

...Famous award-winning corn chowder--

- Johnny! Oh, my God, you're here! - Hey!

- How are you? - Oh!

I heard your news and I tried to call you but now you're here!

I was flying in. I wanted to surprise you.

- Oh! I am so proud of you. - Thank you, Morn.

How's it going? ls the book tour good?

- Yeah, it's good. - Are you having fun?

Yeah, I'm happy. You look great.

- Thanks. - Yeah. You going somewhere?

Yeah. I have a date.

- Really? - Yeah.

- A--Are you seeing someone? - Yeah.

Oh, my God. That's fantastic. For how long?

- 5 months. - What? Why didn't you mention it?

Oh, because you don't like to hear when I have a date.

- Oh, well, so what's he like'? - Oh, he's great.

He's so handsome and he's-- he's sweet and consid--

- He's a gentleman. - Oh, Morn, I'm so happy for you.

- Thanks. - I can't wait to meet him.

- You know, you know him already. - I do?

Yeah.

Mr. Woodcock?

Farley, I brought you some daisies.

- Jasper! - Sorry, I'm late, honey.

That's OK.

Uh, this is Johnny.

My son. Do you remember him now?

No.

- But I've heard a lot. - Hm.

It's not every day you get to shake hands with a celebrity.

Ha ha ha!

- Uh, you ready for dinner? - Mm-hm.

I don't know about you...

but I've been thinking about meat all day long.

I can't believe you don't remember him.

He was the cutest kid.

About this high with his chubby little cheeks.

- Mom. - I had a lot of fat kids over the years.

Oh, he wasn't fat!

Wait a minute.

It's coming back to me.

You're not that kid that got the squirts...

on the balance beam that time, were you?

- Jasper. - No.

Actually I remember you pretty well.

You kinda gave me a lot of personal attention back then.

- Aw. - Well, I take a healthy interest in the kids.

Serves them well later in life.

Oh, that's so true, that's so true. And that is why...

they're making Jasper the Educator of the Year.

- You're kidding! - Why would she be kidding?

Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! You know what I just realized?

Both of my fellas are being honored in the same week.

They're giving Johnny the Corn Cob Key.

You're kidding.

So I'm doing laps at the Y and he's in the next lane...