United States of Al

: W-Whoa, what happened to you?

I don't remember.

You look like you slept in the woods.

Now I remember.

I'm worried about you, sis.

You usually make it to a bed, even if it's not yours.

Riley, you are getting a call from someone

named "Soul Crusher."

It's Vanessa.

Oh.

Hey, what's up?

Okay, well, where is it leaking from?

Just look at it and see where the water's coming out.

Did she turn the water off? She's got to turn the water off.

I got this.

Turn the water off.

No, don't call a plumber.

'Cause I can fix it.

No, I'm not paying for a plumber.

I'm coming over right now.

If I say that I'm coming, I'm coming.

Okay, bye.

Well, there goes my morning.

Right, 'cause you had plans.

What are you doing?

I want to look nice for Vanessa.

Come here. I will splash some water on you, too.

It's not a party. We're fixing something.

Yes, we are.

We are fixing your marriage.

Then we will have a party.

I turned the water off.

You can tell your dad to stop texting me.

Hello, Vanessa.

Hey, Al.Where's Hazel?

Oh, she's at my folks'.

Oh, I was really hoping to see her.

I just needed a weekend off. I worked 60 hours this week.

Riley, massage her feet.

Al, don't be weird.

I'm-a go check the water heater.

You have a very beautiful home.

Oh, thank you.

Ah, I see that you have the rug I sent you.

Oh, I really love it. Thanks again.

It looks really nice where you have it in the hallway.

I thought so, too.

But...

I think it would look even better in the living room.

Um, yeah, maybe.

Ah. Let us see.

Uh, can I get you something?

Maybe some tea?

Oh, you never have to ask an Afghan if they want tea.

They do.

Traditionally, men get green tea and women are served black tea.

Oh, I don't have any green tea.

Oh, that is okay.

I am confident in my masculinity.

But if you ever serve my Uncle Dawood black tea,

he would never come back to your house.

How about I get you some fruit juice?

Now, that is a drink for men.

Oh, this looks so much better.

Hmm.

Lose something?

Don't worry about it.

Geez. Hope you find your manners in there.

Why do you got so much stuff in your purse?

What am I, a guest on your podcast?

I lost Michael's dog tags.

Oh...

Well, okay, don't worry. They'll turn up.

Oh, yeah, here they are.

Oh, really? No!

Well, where'd you lose them?

I don't know. That's what "lost" means.

I'm surprised. I just never seen you take them off.

I don't. I had them on last night

and I went to the party and then

they must have fallen off somewhere.

Well, no problem. Where was this party?

It was out by Walnut Creek.

That's just woods. Who has a party in the woods?

Bad people. Who do you think?

All right.

Let's go find them.There's no way.

Not without assistance.What do you mean?

I got a friend. Walk with me.

Bertha, we need your help.

Your friend is a rifle?

That's Emily.

Bertha's my metal detector.

Hello, darling.

There's a reason you're not dating.

You know, my mother's cousin made this rug.

When Riley told me how special you were,

I commissioned him to weave a rug that would be

a testament to your love.

You see these two birds?Mm-hmm.

That one is you and that one is Riley.

It's very nice.

Flying above the clouds of trouble.

Al, I don't want to put you in the middle of our problems.

Oh, I am already in the middle.

See this little flower between the two birds?

That is me.

Do you think you should maybe go check on Riley?

No.

I-I appreciate

how much you want to help, but we tried.

We couldn't make it work.

Do you think you tried hard enough?

He's the one who didn't try hard enough.

Hmm. That might be true.

He was probably exhausted from war.

There was a lot of walking.

All he had to do was show me he wanted to be a part

of this family and he couldn't.

I can hear how painful that is for you,

but I know he still loves you very much.

If he still loves me so much,

then why is he sleeping with other women?

I'd better go check on Riley.

Okay, here's how it works.

Point at the ground, turn it on.

Beep equals metal.

No beep... no metal.

Got it.

No! No, no, no, no, no.

I'm the only one that dances with Bertha.

Now, we got to visualize the woods as a grid of squares

measuring one yard by one yard.

None of this meter crap.

Can we please just start?

Too bad the ground's not wet.

Dry soil is suboptimal for conductivity.

Do you want me to pee on the ground?

I did it last night. I can do it again.

Supposed to rain later. Maybe we should wait.

Dad.Or now is good.

Is that as fast as you can go?

Were you even listening to me?

We got to be methodical.

Ha!

Did you find them?

Bottle cap.

Now what?

Got to keep a log.

"Bottle cap.

"Red square,

two alpha."

"1100 hours."

That's how long it's gonna take to find the dog tags.

If we're lucky.

Talk to me, Bertha.

Why the hell are you talking to her about who I'm sleeping with?

She brought it up.

Clearly, she is not done with you.

I shouldn't have let you come with me.

Mm. That was poor judgment on your part.

Now,

what about these other women?

What about 'em?

You have a duty to your wife.

Says who? We're separated.

I can do whatever I want.

I could be with a million women.

The reason he is debasing himself

is because there is a beautiful hole in his life

in the shape of you.

He told me himself--

a million women could not fill it.

What number is he on now?

My point is,

he would never look at another woman

if he were not tormented by the agony of not being with you.

That is all very moving.

Yes, it is.

But none of it's true.

Why are you acting like the Whore of Babylon?

You cheated on her while you were still married.

How can you not be satisfied with her, Riley?

Sh-She is kind and smart and beautiful.

You will never do better than her.

I get it. I screwed up.

She screwed up. We both made mistakes.

No, just you. She did nothing wrong,

except put a silk rug in a high-traffic area.

You think she's such a saint?

Why don't you ask her about Freddy?

Who is Freddy?

Oh, Freddy is her "friend"

who's just "really nice"

but doesn't "want anything from her"

but he's always there to listen whenever she's got a "problem"

with "me."

What is going on with your dancing fingers?

I'm just saying, she was awfully cozy with the guy

the whole time I was deployed.