Inside No. 9

This programme contains some strong language

For the purposes of safety and security,

CCTV is in operation at this station

and across all underground lines.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, I've just been informed

the next station is closed.

This train will not be stopping at the next station.

For God's sake!

What was that? I missed it.

We're not stopping at the next station.

Ah. Thank you so much.

- Do you mind? - Sorry, bro.

I'm just looking at the map.

- Do you know what the next station's going to be? - No.

- I thought I recognised her from something. - Which one?

The lady with the teeth.

You'll have to narrow it down, Gerry.

She was the maid or whatever she was.

What maid?

There wasn't a maid. It was set in a shoe factory.

Well, the boss, then. I can't remember all the details.

She was in Crown Court.

That was 50 years ago.

Not Crown Court, The Crown.

Well, who was she in that?

I think she was Princess Margaret.

Lesley Manville?

Well, it might have been.

People have to work, Edie.

We haven't just seen Lesley Manville

in an amateur production of Kinky Boots, Gerry.

Frig me! Is there a homeless convention in town this week?

- What? - Behind you, you blind bitch.

If you're looking for your dad, he's over there.

Don't, Wilm, he can't help it.

I think he's kind of cute.

Fine, go ahead and shag him, then.

Least you won't have to pay for his taxi fare home.

BOTH SNIGGER

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Very sorry to bother you.

I hope you're all having a wonderful evening.

But as you can probably tell from my appearance,

I'm sleeping on the streets at the moment.

I'm asking if it would be possible for any of you good people

to help me out with a little bit of spare change.

I'm so embarrassed to have to ask you like this,

but I don't have any options at the moment.

I'd really appreciate anything you can give

to help me out at this difficult time.

- I'm sorry, darling. - I don't have any change.

No-one does.

I need a card machine.

What? No, no, no, no, no.

What do you want to do that for, bro?

They can track you if you use cards.

- Who can? - Them, innit? They're watching us right now.

No cards, cash only.

Do you have any cash?

Uh, no.

Here you go, dear.

Oh...

- Thank you. - Sorry it's not much.

That's all right, I appreciate it.

- Every little helps! - Yeah?

Stop it, Edie. He won't know Tesco's.

I didn't mean Tesco's.

I was just saying it as a phrase.

Just don't get involved.

Oh!

Jesus! Are you OK?

- Are you OK? - You all right, bro?

Yeah...

You are kidding me!

Very sorry for the power outage,

ladies and gentlemen. Do please sit tight

while we try and get things up and running again.

Hopefully it won't be long.

I heard some passengers got stuck in a tunnel

for two weeks on the Berlin U-Bahn system.

Power failed and they were trapped inside.

The authorities couldn't get to them.

They sat in the dark,

panic slowly setting in.

Then they ran out of water.

They turned on each other in the end.

The weakest ones got eaten.

Jesus, I'd rather eat my own tits

than chow down on his gamey old meat.

- Be like eating a pigeon. - Beg your pardon?

I mean, my gag reflex is legendary, but I draw the line at that.

Stop it!

- You should have more respect. - Oh, keep your nose out, Melania Tramp,

or I'll put some buttons in with your change.

What did you call me?

- What is it? - Someone grabbed me.

Who did?

I don't know. I don't know.

- You all right? - Yeah, I think so.

All right. All right.

They... They pulled my bag and I dropped it. Sorry.

Are you hurt?

No, I don't think so.

Were they going for the breasts, do you think?

- Gerald! - What? I'm just trying to establish the facts.

What's happened now?

We're not sure.

It's a sex pest in the carriage.

Operates in the dark.

- My purse has gone. - Are you sure?

Yeah, it was in here. I just had it and now it's gone.

Strike that. Sex pest and thief.

Will you stop saying that word?

- What word? Sex pest? - Yes!

Sit down, please. I've got this.

OK, young man...

...empty your pockets.

What?

Empty your pockets.

This lady has had her purse stolen.

What's that got to do with me?

I don't know yet.

Why am I being singled out?

I don't mean to be insensitive,

but you're the only one begging for money here.

That doesn't mean I'm a thief.

- Then empty your pockets. - No.

- And she had her breast pinched. - Gerald!

No, no. No-one did that.

Poor woman's blotted it out.

Coping mechanism.

- Will you be quiet, please? - Sorry.

- Honestly, sir, I haven't done nothing. - He doesn't have to

empty his pockets for you. You're not the police.

He might be.

They put them on trains undercover. I've seen 'em.

Look, the thief is definitely on this carriage.

In the absence of the law, I just want to check.

I'm only trying to help this lady.

That's reasonable enough.

Absolutely it is.

And if he needs strip-searching,

I've got some Vaseline and latex gloves in me fanny pack.

She gave me £2. Why would I rob from her?

- Well, that's the oldest trick in the book. - What is?

You remember what happened with Sting's accountant?

He thought they were friends. Scammed him for six mil.

It's hardly the same thing, Gerry.

They always start small.

I don't mind showing you my bags.

Ah, there you are, you see.

Thank you, sir. It's all perfectly fine.

There's nothing to hide if you've got nothing to hide.

Huh?

That's great. Thank you.

I do have more.

That's... fine.

Don't you want to check them?

No, it's OK.

I trust you.

I wouldn't if I were you, miss.

Not plugged in.

We don't mind being searched, do we, Edith?

Well, yes, but...

Just to rule ourselves out.

We've been to the theatre.

We enjoy Gilbert and Sullivan. We're not hoodlums.

Honestly, you don't have to, it's fine.

Did you have much money in it?

No, not much. But all my cards.

Well, don't...don't use cards.

Why will no-one listen to me about this?

And a photograph of my father which...

I wouldn't want to lose that.

Well, look, I am happy to comply

and show that I haven't got it.

Edith? Edith.

Um...

This is just a car coat,

so it doesn't have pockets,

and there is nothing in my handbag.

Well, two apple cores.

You see?

That's what honest, decent citizens do.

Now...

...are you going to let me check your pockets?

Thank you.

Wasn't so hard, was it?

Speak for yourself, darling. I found it quite erotic.

Don't be so childish.

Well, I bet you've never tried to keep a tuck with a semi on.

Shall I speak to the driver?

Tell him there's been an incident.

Good idea. Proper authorities.

What about your pockets, Chief Inspector?

Can we look in them?

Yes.

Of course.

You see?