Ugly Americans

Some people just don't know when to be serious.

Congratulations, clown,

you have received a full pardon.

You can finally see your wife and kids again.

Seriously?

You told me I was gonna rot in here.

I've missed my family so much.

April Fools.

You're not going anywhere, rubber nuts.

Ha, ha. Gotcha.

What?

Oh, the look on your face. Priceless.

Ah, now I'm gonna call my youngest daughter

and tell her I have cancer.

She falls for it every year.

I love April Fools' day.

The problem with always being a joker

is that is that you might not realize

when the joke is on you.

Zahara? Daddy's got some bad news.

Why are you wearing your lucky tie

that looks exactly like your normal tie?

I'm immune to your sarcasm today, Randall.

It's a special day.

Harry Connick Jr. finally answered your fan letter.

Wow, dude.

I said special, not historic.

No, today is the day

I ask Callie to get engaged to be engaged.

It's the step before the first step

toward thinking about the idea of marriage.

It's a huge commitment.

You and Callie, married?

It's all so sudden.

Heart pills in my pocket.

It's okay, buddy. Breathe.

Marriage is a long way down the road.

Ah, ah!

April Fools.

What're you stupid? I'm dead.

Why would I have heart pills?

This is exactly why I hate April Fools' day.

From now on,

April 1st will no longer be known for silly tomfoolery

but as the day Mark and Callie embarked on a romantic trip

for two.

A promise ring? That's it.

After you slip it on her finger,

tell her an ex-girlfriend looked you up,

and you got an illegitimate kid named Cody.

You realize if we do get married one day,

I'll have to move out of here.

You'll move out? My heart!

Ah, it's happening again.

The cap is child-proof.

Uh-huh.

We have a safe room?

Ah, the safe room. Right.

Yeah, well, you got to wake up a little earlier in the morning

to prank Mark Lilly.

Hey, oh!

I don't normally like practical jokes, but darn it.

This is hilarious.

You got a sick sense of humor, ass .

Huh.

Welcome to the safe room. On your feet.

Hey, you could really use more than one pillow here.

I think I sprained my ankle.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Mark Lilly.

Yep, when the goes down,

we've got everything we need to survive.

Canned food, morphine, condoms, ribbed for her pleasure.

I suppose you could turn them inside out.

And all 12 seasons of Gary unmarried

on a hard drive that can withstand a 20-megaton blast.

Shh. This is the one where Gary gets married.

Impressive. And why are we here?

Sit down, Lilly.

I've got a story that will make your testicles retract.

Barney Snodgrass.

He was the D.O.I. counselor before you.

Brilliant sense of humor. The man loved pranks.

Barney believed in teaching

through public humiliation and cruelty.

Today's lesson: Duck!

My eye.

Nobody was immune to his razor-sharp wit.

If Barney's so great, how come I've never heard of him.

And what does he have to do with the safe room?

April Fools' day, five years ago,

we put a fart cushion on Barney's chair.

The perfect prank.

The problem is, Barney could dish it out,

but he couldn't take it.

He freaked out and stabbed Eric to death.

I was once human. They had to rebuild me.

Better, stronger, faster.

Yep, I busted Barney and threw him in a mental hospital.

Nobody pranks Barney Snodgrass!

You'll pay for this.

You'll all pay!

Now I get it.

This is the old "escaped mental patient who's out to kill

his former coworkers" gag.

Hey, guys, I've seen that movie. Okay?

I reviewed it on my movie blog.

I gave it two out of five "marks."

This isn't a movie, Mark.

We're all going to die. Especially you.

Fine. It's not a prank.

Explain how you know he's out to kill all of us.

Barney's prison journal.

Years of threats are scrawled on that charmin.

Unroll it if you dare.

And for the grand prize of $372 million,

the megaball is...74.

What?

In a fun new twist, the lucky winner has only 24 hours

to redeem the ticket.

After that, it's completely worthless.

You know how many people would kill for that ticket?

I mean literally kill.

Hm, hey, fellows. Uh.

I got to run an errand.

Ladies and gentlemen, the honorable Bunnycorn janitor.

My God, he's here. Barney.

This isn't much of a safe room.

Time to head to the safe house.

All right, I'm not letting you take this any further.

I have actual work to do.

Sorry, Lilly, but during office hours,

your safety is my responsibility.

Now get your ass in the van before I crack your skull in.

Fake rigor mortis. Way to commit.

Um, why are we taking my roommate's van?

All department vehicles are checked out.

And because I enjoy the zombie as comic relief.

Why thank you, Francis.

See? Hilarious.

Are we headed anywhere near a liquor store

and/or lottery headquarters?

Nope, we're headed to my mountain cabin.

We'll be much safer there than in the safe room.

A remote cabin miles from civilization?

A maniac would never look for us there.

I'm sorry we'll miss our romantic dinner tonight

because of this stupid prank.

I had something special planned, but I guess I can do it here.

Oh, oh.

My darling. I have something to ask you.

- Oh! It's yes. - Not you. Callie.

I can't concentrate on your sappy romantic gestures

right now.

My ex-boyfriend is trying to kill us.

Wait, are you saying you dated this Barney?

We dated until he went to the insane asylum.

Real relationship killer.

Et tu, Callie?

You know how much I hate pranks.

It's not a prank. I wish it were.

Barney and I were in love.

Ladies and gentlemen,

presenting the first commercial break.

Twayne, there are land mines in that crate.

Establish a security perimeter.

Cuddles, you'll take first watch.

Cla-clack!

You two,

gather logs to build a poop hut.

But dig a healthy crap hole first.

Chop, chop.

But there's a bathroom in the cabin.

You think I'm letting these animals use my toilet?

Let's say there really is a Barney.

If you had dated a jerk like that,

you would have told me about him.

There's a lot of stuff I haven't told you

mainly to avoid annoying conversations like this.

Everything you need to know about Barney and me

is in that journal.

I'm hitting the showers.

Okay, I'll read it.

But only because I'm gonna have to use this after lunch.

Randall, my boy. I need to borrow the van.

Why? To redeem your lottery ticket?

Yeah.

Your birthday numbers? 10-14-13-74?

Ah, how do you know I play my birthday?

I know a little bit about everyone.

I'm a renaissance man.

Also, you told me while you were wasted.

I mean, it's all you would talk about.

Anyway, I want half.

Dream on, zombie.

You need a ride to the city.

Ha, I'll just use my wand to zap back to New York.

Watch this. Hm. Ah.

Oh, Gary, will you ever get married?

.

How 'bout I tell these people with nothing to lose