Awkward.

Previously on Awkward...

You're like a puppy.

I don't think that's a compliment.

You never want to be seen with me.

You don't remember?

No effing way!

I would never willingly make out with Ricky Schwartz.

I'm so glad I wrote you that letter.

There were a million reasons why I didn't want to get out of bed.

But apparently, the universe wasn't gonna let me sleep

after throwing a hard school kegger,

I had over three hundred friends.

But I wasn't eluded by my surging popularity.

I knew the difference between real friends and virtual ones.

My real friends weren't talking to me.

Although, to be fair, ming couldn't, litterally.

While ming was suffering from the kissing disease,

I was sick overkissed.

A drunken lips slip that had cost me Tamara's friendship

after alianating Matty and possibly Jake,

my friend-scape was pretty barren.

But making new friends wasn't going to be a problem,

I had the interweb.

- Hey. - Hey!

What's going on?

I just got canned from my job.

Cause I screwed up this order but it wasn't my fault.

I was still drunk from the night before,

'cause my ex just got married to my best friend.

Anyway, I've been spending a lot of time

on the computer lately.

Want to see my penis?

If my life had an escape button,

I would've checked out for the day.

There was only one small problem.

Make a wish!

It was my goddamn birthday.

Man, I remember when I was 16.

And you knocked up mom?

You're not about to tell me it happened in a car, are you?

Not this car.

Please tell me you're joking.

I am.

My lucky socks.

I thought maybe you'd be too old for them.

Hell no.

I really need them.

Okay, remember to check your mirrors

and don't let anything distract you.

Especially cyclists.

Spandex bastards think they own the road.

The upside of being depressed?

I was completely calm.

Nothing was going to distract me.

Okay, go ahead, Ms. Hamilton.

Check your left mirror.

And your rearview mirror.

And don't forget, check the right mirror.

No, I got it. Got it.

I just--

Oh!

Don't worry.

It took your mom a couple of times to pass, too.

It wasn't my fault.

The dude had hook hands.

So you didn't get your license.

What else do you want for your birthday?

I want to spend the day with you.

You don't want to go to school.

And there's that.

I'd love to, but I have meetings all day.

All right.

Happy Birthday!

There was nothing happy about it.

It was just another crap day

in 2000-suck.

And good luck with Tamara!

Do you think polyester see-through?

I'm seriously considering going sans bra

for the big game tonight.

Trying to make the Schwartzman jealous?

Negs on that!

The only reason I went

tits-out at practice yesterday

is because my bra malfunctioned.

I felt so free, and my flute playing was pfm.

It was pure, freaking magic.

You should lose the grundies all together.

Jonah s. Is a freeballer,

and his protein boost totally has a cinnamon thing going on.

Though it could be 'cause he's on tenor sax,

all that brass so close to his junk.

It's Jenna's birthday, eh?

Get her anything, or is she still sequestered

to the kiss and cry zone?

What do you think?

After avoiding me for days,

Tamara looked right at me.

Like, she was totally open to my facemail.

My dad was right.

She was throwing me a birthday bone.

Happy Birthday.

Once more with feeling.

Well, at least I had some friends.

Beggars couldn't be choosers.

Thanks, Kyle.

I didn't do that.

Ugh.

Crap, now I'm out a hundred bucks.

There was a dead pool on you

and I bet you wouldn't make it to 16.

There had to be some way to get off the demon hell ride.

The nurse isn't in and I'm not feeling so hot,

so can you write me a note to go home?

You don't have a fever,

so either you have internal injuries

or you're trying to pull one over on me

'cause it's your birthday!

I'm on to you, j.

Now, I'm not allowed to give gifts,

but you and I have surpassed the whole teacher-student thing.

Go ahead.

Thanks.

Oh, what's happenin', hot stuff?

I'm sorry, what?

Oh, I'm not being pervy,

I was quoting long duk dong from Sixteen Candles.

It's about this girl on her 16th birthday

but everyone forgets about it.

It was fabulous.

You know what? Let's talk about you.

Any plans?

None except for to go home after you write me that note.

Why don't you stick around here so you can celebrate

with your amigos?

That'd be great but my amigos aren't talking to me.

So what I'm hearing is that you want to celebrate,

but you don't have anyone to celebrate with.

What I'm saying is I really don't want to be here,

so the best gift you could give me is a note home.

"I can't believe this! They forgot my fucking birthday!"

I was quoting Molly Ringwald.

She gave up. Don't you give up.

That was me quoting myself.

I used to feel bad for David shapiro.

Eating by himself every day.

Until I found out he wasn't really eating alone.

He h imaginary friends,

which theoretically was like, six to ten more that I had.

Hello, ladies.

Look at Ricky Schwartz walking around

like he's the bomb dot-com.

I mean, sure he's totally h-2-t gorge',

but my dead grandma can play clarinet better than him.

You guys are like Charlie's angels.

He claims his playing suffers

because he gets like, 27 hardies a day.

But I'm always on zipper patrol. And if that's true,

there's definitely some "little penis, big world" action

going on down there.

I can't believe I wasted a year of my life

crushing out on that jerk

when I could've been fantasizing about Jake gyllenhall.

Circa 2008.

What, so, you forgive him, but you won't forgive Jenna?

Ricky and I were never exclusive.

Jenna and I were friends for seven years.

I showed her how to use a tampon.

Oh...

You're blood sisters.

Hey, loser.

What are you doing sitting here by yourself?

Being a loser.

You going to the game later?

What game?

The regional playoffs?

It's the biggest game of the season.

Oh, I'm not much of a football person.

It is football, right?

Yeah.

Why don't you come sit with us?

I had been so destroyed over the Tamara sitch,

I didn't dare let myself think about my problems with Matty.

But seeing him in the flesh made me realize

I needed to set my pain bar a little higher.

I'm trying to keep a low-pro today.

Yeah.

Jenna Hamilton, where are you?

Where's the birthday girl?

I know you're here.

I didn't give a fuck If I set off the alarm.

It was a real emergency.

Where do you think you're going?

Jenna Hamilton is right here.

Jenna Hamilton is right here.

Happy Birthday, Jenna.

Up until that moment, the rumors of my death wish

had been greatly exaggerated.

Happy Birthday, girlfriend.

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. Check it out, check it out.