Happy Patel: Khatarnak Jasoos (हैप्पी पटेल: ख़तरनाक जासूस)

- Run, buggers, run! - Oh, shit!

Run like you ran in 1947, buggers!

That's just rude!

That wasn't so tough, was it?

Mr. White, you are now safe and under the protection

of Her Majesty's government.

Thank you, gentlemen.

I can't wait to get back to good ol' London!

Don't worry.

These Indian criminals are not very…

Efficient.

- Go, go, go! - Call it in.

Agents Tea and Crumpets to extraction.

We are onto Plan D.

We need wood, kerosene, sponges, and a fresh lime soda.

What? I'm thirsty.

Die, you English pigs!

- Die! - Jesus!

I really hate this guy.

Go, Go, Go!

Let's go.

Hi, Jimmy.

It's you, men.

Hi, Rosie.

What are you doing?

Murder!

Rascal!

See you, men.

Murder!

I love you.

Love you too.

Penises.

Jimmy.

Your time is come, men.

The gravy on your fish curry...

Wait…

I need to sweep the floor.

Oh, sure, go ahead.

Hold this.

Okay, it's done.

Take her phone number.

Yes, sir.

Right, so…

So, what was I saying?

Sir, fish gravy.

Yes!

The gravy on your fish curry has dried!

Now you die.

No!

Did it hit?

It hit!

Oh, shit!

Sir…

I got hit.

I got hit.

I'll torch the car.

Sir!

Sakhubai!

No!

Sorry, sir!

I wasn't…

Able to do the washing up.

Sakhubai…

Don't touch!

Sakhubai, it's okay.

It's not your fault.

Your Hindi will kill me before this bullet.

Flavia!

Flavia…

Flavia…

Where are you, Flavia?

Flavia…

My love.

Bloody nonsense! What is this, Jimmy?

I just mopped the entire house!

Do you know how much bleach it takes to clean blood?!

Flavia, I'm dying, Flavia.

So? How many times have I told you,

if you want to die, do it outside the house!

Also, didn't I tell you to bring sausages on your way home from work?

Did you bring them? Did you?

- You forgot again, didn't you? - Yeah.

You're lucky you're good in bed.

All you think about is yourself.

Only office, office, office!

-If you die tomorrow, -Flavia…

You'll take the office with you to heaven?

Not tomorrow…

I'm dying today, Flavia.

When you are mopping the floor…

Use the homemade bleach I made for you.

And my Diwali bonus,

if you can give me that today, please.

Well,

that won't be possible.

Why?

Well, Diwali isn't for

another three months.

And…

- Well, you are… - Yes.

True.

True.

Forget that! Watch this!

What, man!

Yeah.

Watch, it will go now.

- Papa! - Papa!

My boys…

My loins…

Papa, you told me you would bring Busen gum from the market.

Bastards, does anyone care that I'm dying here, or what!

Papa!

There's a tattoo inside the wrapper.

- Yeah. - Oh, yes.

Putah…

I'm dying, man.

- No. - No.

Yes.

That means

one of you

will become The Don.

One of you will become

"The Bhai."

But we are already brothers.

What do they teach you in private schools?

Listen.

One of you two

will wear this ring.

And will handle all of this.

Extortion, kidnapping, all of it.

Waxing parlor. All of it.

Oh, my princess.

Papa loves you.

You go from here, Mama.

You go.

Don't get involved in all of this...

Papa's going to die.

- Papa, no! - Papa, no!

Kitchen…

What?

In the kitchen…

Kitchen?

Look after…

Thank you.

Not you.

There we go!

We did the right thing!

Morning, Mary.

Fuck off, Dennis!

Sir, here's the file that you requested.

Sir, the local police are already looking into it.

No, this is important!

We must activate the local Indian team immediately.

Wasn't that disbanded?

Yes.

A long time ago?

Right, leave me with this.

Thank you, Midge.

It's Mary.

Hello. Are you alright?

Alright, men.

You got the cash?

Look, it's almost time.

Be ready.

Ready, men.

Is it definitely him?

Yes.

Send him.

- I want Happy. - Sure.

Nice.

It looks lovely, son.

Except…

You forgot this.

The trigger.

Oh, God!

I want to shoot myself, Dads.

But I can't.

There's no trigger.

No.

You can still make it work.

You can bash somebody's head in with it,

or shatter a shin bone.

Am I a failure, Dads?

No, listen. No, listen.

I'm 34.

I failed the MI7 exams six times.

Seven times.

I got two special agents for fathers,

and I can't even put a bloody gun together.

This is…

Some of the best agents…

They don't need guns.

Did you know?

One time in Marrakesh, your dad...

You?

Oh, no. Your other dad.

Seb took out a drug lord with nothing more

than a pack of ribbons and a really frisky camel.

Swear she was KGB.

Yeah, but that was you,