Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

My parents say there's no such thing as a bad day.

That it's all how you look at it.

What can I tell you? Parents.

Here is what I know.

They're wrong.

My name is Alexander, and I'm the expert in bad days.

This guy knows what I'm talking about. That's not coming off.

Did I mention my dad is a relentless optimist?

We're in the home stretch.

And look at Mom.

She's not fooling anyone with that "Mom smile."

Believe it or not, by the time we got home...

this van was in better shape than we were.

There's my sister Emily, the actress.

Always ready to take a bow.

Anthony, my brother, a total winner with a great sense of style.

And baby Trevor.

Sorry, pal. Definitely not coming off.

Bottom line, today was an epic disaster. The worst day possible.

Everyone in my family would agree.

But what they don't know, is it was all my fault.

And it wasn't over yet.

- (ANIMAL HISSING) - (ALL SCREAMING)

You overslept, bud.

Don't blow my didgeridoo!

What's it for, then?

You're invited! Philip Parker turning 12.

Tomorrow night?

No!

He's the trick to... Good morning!

Oh! There she is!

You are going to be so impressed.

I made what is known as...

the crustless quiche, the frittata.

Wow. What is this?

Two months ago, you couldn't even grill cheese, and now...

Oh, that looks so good.

- Oh. - Mmm. Egg and cheese.

Excellent.

Thank you.

So, what are you gentlemen up to today?

Well, let's see.

Em has a dentist appointment this morning...

Right, right.

And then the two of us are going to Mommy and Me Yoga.

- Oh, with Summer? - Yes.

Will you tell her I still exist?

I will. And then when he takes his nap,

I'm gonna send out some resumes.

Good.

What a to-do to die today at a minute or two to two.

A thing distinctly hard to say but harder still to do.

We'll beat a tattoo at a minute or two and a rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tattoo...

and the dragon will come to the beat of the drum

at a minute or two to two today...

at a minute or two to two.

- I need to pee. - You have gum in your hair.

A big black bug bit a big black bear...

No!

Anthony! Alexander! Accelerate. Come on!

One minute!

Hey, if it ain't broke, right?

Guess what?

Philip Parker's having his birthday party tomorrow night.

That's when you're having your birthday party.

I know! And I just got the invitation.

He's going all-out, Dad.

He's getting an energy drink bar,

a Korean taco truck, a live band.

That sounds legit.

I think he's having black lights and a karaoke machine.

Oh, I love karaoke parties.

Look, can I compete with all of that?

Oh, come on, your birthday's gonna be great.

It's gonna be fun. We're gonna have pizza. I'm gonna make a cake.

Maybe some volleyball in the pool.

Philip Parker's having a fog machine and we're having pizza?

Don't worry. - You're drinking coffee?

What about my party?

Since when did you start drinking coffee?

I'm not a morning person.

- Can you check his diaper? - Oh.

You just dropped Bumble Bee.

- You drop Bumble Bee? - I think he might be wet.

No. Bumble Bee. There you go.

Wish I could be there, bro,

but I got prom tomorrow night.

I thought that was next week.

It is what it is.

I'll probably be wiped out from my Peter Pan premiere...

but I'll be happy to sing for you and all of your friends.

Oh! No, no, no.

(SINGING) Think of a wonderful thought...

- (CAR HORN BLARING) - Oh, probably Mrs. Gibson. Okay.

Honey, Dad's taking Emily to the dentist.

I've got Anthony. So you're in carpool.

- Take a frittata. It's a crustless quiche. - There you go.

What did you do to your hair?

Oh, nothing.

Say hi to Mrs. Gibson! Remember your manners.

Hi, Becky!

Hey, Alexander.

Oh, are you okay?

- Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. - (HORN BLARING)

Let's go, kids.

And so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed

Just to get it all out, what's in my head

And I, I am feeling a little peculiar...

Lord of the Flies?

Pretty scary, right?

Lord of the Flies is beautiful, Alexander.

It's a deep and meaningful allegory

about our own messed-up society.

Yeah, totally.

That's what I meant with "scary."

The society stuff. Crazy.

- Hey, check out this app. - (CAMERA CLICKS)

He puts your face on some bikini model's body.

- It's really gross and sexist. - (CHUCKLES)

This is gonna be hilarious.

- What are you doing? - Wait, hold on!

- No, no, no. - I'm not done.

Hey, babe.

Is everything okay? Your last text was so cold.

No, I said, "See you at school"?

Yeah. I'm your girlfriend, Anthony.

You really should end your texts with "x-o-x-o" or "I heart you."

You can make a heart with the less-than sign and a three.

Yeah, I'll try to remember.

So, a bunch of the girls were talking, and they're all going in limos.

We are getting a limo tomorrow, right?

No, I am taking my driver's test tomorrow, babe.

The first thing I wanna do as a licensed driver

is chauffeur you to the prom.

It'll be romantic and stuff.

Oh. Well, I do want it to be romantic.

It will be.

Oh. Also, I have it from a very good source who says...

we're being crowned Duke and Duchess

at the Royal Court tomorrow night at prom.

- That's so tight! - I know. Isn't it like the best thing ever?

This is the worst thing ever.

These look so real.

I can't believe Elliot text-bombed the whole school.

Don't worry about it, man. Elliot's an idiot.

No one's even gonna look at these.

Hey, Paul.

Philip, my man.

Nice boobs, Alexander.

Since when are you friends with Philip Parker?

We go to the same psychopharmacologist.

He's got ADHD, too. He's super nice.

No, he's not.

He's throwing a huge party tomorrow, and it's not even his actual birthday.

His is next week.

You realize it's just gonna be you and me at my party.

- Actually, it might just be you. - What?

You've gotta come. You're my best friend.

Okay, but personally, I think you should just postpone.

Philip's popular and everybody's gonna be there.

Plus, his party sounds pretty dope.

Dude, last year your dad tap-danced with a cane.

Another bad party could ruin your rep forever.

Your dad's a nice guy, but trust me...

you do not want your entire social life in his hands.

Whoo!

Great job!

- Whoo! - Yeah!

Breathe. You gave birth. You can do this.

Two. One.

Take your baby back to the womb. They love it there.

I think that it's so cool when a guy can step up to be a full-time fommy.

A what?

A father-mommy.

Oh! Okay.

Um, yeah, I guess I'm sort of a fommy by default.

I was in aerospace, and I got transitioned out of my job.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, that's okay. I get to spend more time with this little guy.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Yes, this is Ben Cooper.

Tomorrow?

Yes, that's good.

Okay, I'll see you then.

I look forward to it, Greg. Bye-bye.

Good news?

Yeah! I landed an interview.

Hey! That's great.

What do you think of that? What do you think of that?

Fommy just landed an interview.

Fommy.

Did you hear him say that?

Yes!

He just said Fommy!

- You just said my name! Aw!

Guys, he just said Fommy. Did you hear him say Fommy?

I'm Fommy. Fommy!

That was so cool.

It's so adorable!