Norm Macdonald: Nothing Special

Talk, talk.

Hello there, everybody.

-That sounds good to me... - Okay.

-...through my earphones... - All right. Good.

The boom's a little loud. I'll turn that down.

Just give me a second.

Lori Jo.

Do you like where my hand comes in?

I'm not watching the camera.

Oh. Okay.

- Testing, testing. - Testing, testing.

We don't know where...

- You were talking about... - I know where.

Okay.

Hey, everybody. It's Norm Macdonald.

And this is my comedy special.

That's right.

Now, of course I'm looking forward to getting back out there, you know.

Seeing you folks in person, you know.

I love doing gigs.

And I miss it. My God, I miss it.

Especially casinos.

Those were my favorite gigs

because I'm a degenerate gambler as it turns out.

I think the casinos know that.

Often they'll pay me in chips.

Which I find... that's not nice, you know?

Sometimes they'll just give me a real big chip.

They'll go, "Here you go!"

Then they break it in half. They go, "Have fun!"

I go, "Goddamn, guys."

That's not nice.

But, anyways,

I prefer the Indian casinos.

That's what I like.

You know? Because I don't want to give my money...

If I'm gonna lose money, and I'm gonna lose money,

I don't want to do it in Las Vegas to a bunch of corporate businessmen.

I would rather go to an Indian casino

and lose it to the Native Americans.

You know?

On account of my forefathers

systematically murdered them years ago.

Which looking back on it... way out of line.

Way out of line.

Anyways, I look at it as a form of reparations. You know?

I tell you, I've done my part, Goddamn it.

Probably done your part too.

Anyways... I love casinos.

I was in Las Vegas, the last time I was there...

People go to Vegas sometimes and they got a system. You know?

They go, "I got a system, I'm gonna break the bank

'cause I figured out a system."

And oftentimes these systems actually do not work at all.

And I think that I saw

the unraveling of a system.

Sometimes all you need to hear is like a snippet of conversation

and you can infer from that information, more.

You know what I'm saying? For instance,

one time I walked past these two homeless guys.

One guy said to the other,

"When the fuck were you ever goaltender for the Montreal Canadians?"

He was tired of the horseshit. It was the last straw.

But anyways, I think I heard

what was the unraveling of a system.

On account of I got in the elevator,

it was going down,

and then a couple got on, a man and a woman.

And then tension, you know?

So it was just the four of us.

And we're going down the elevator.

Out of the blue, out of nowhere,

the man says to the woman,

"I don't give a fuck what I said, give me the money."

"That's my money."

So I believe, I'm only inferring,

once again, I have no proof that that...

But here's the thing about gambling.

It's irrational, you know?

You gotta-- you can't be rational to actually gamble,

because it doesn't make no sense, you know?

And I remember I was at the-- one time I got...

I went-- I was walking down

and I saw a roulette table.

Now, I don't know if you know the game of roulette.

How could you not know the game of roulette?

It's not that hard.

But anyways, I put a hundred dollars on black.

You know? And the little silver ball spun around the wheel and everything,

and then it landed on red.

This is what I said,

"Fuck, I almost picked that!"

But I do miss being out on the road, you know?

Seeing you folks live, you know?

I mean, I'm all alone looking in the TV.

It doesn't make much sense.

But what-- that's what it is.

You know, I'll tell you one thing I don't miss is airplanes.

I don't like airplanes.

I finally figured out why.

After years of therapy I figured out why I don't care for the airplanes.

I don't like the crashing and dying in the airplane.

That's what it is. You know?

Hey, by the way, I got a little tip for you if you fly on an airplane.

Always pick the exit row.

Choose the exit row.

That way you get the extra two, three inches of legroom.

And all you have to do to get the exit row is to lie.

That's right.

You just lie.

You know? The stewardess comes up.

Flight attendant!

Flight attendant.

I apologize. Words are different now.

When I was young, if you were a flight attendant,

and you were a lady,

we would call you a stewardess.

And, if you were a flight attendant and you were a man,

we would call you a...

Wait, what?

What are you guys thinking?

Good Lord!

What's wrong with you? I'm outraged.

I'm outraged, I tell you.

I'm outraged at what you are thinking

just 'cause I pause for a second.

I was going to say a steward.

If you were a flight attendant and you were a male,

we used to call you a steward.

You know?

But words have changed, folks.

That's the way things go, man.

They are always gonna be different.

You know, words, they change.

That's why I can't understand goddamn Shakespeare.

You know?

I remember one time when I was a little boy,

I went up to my dad. I said, "Dad, I think I'm a little girl."

And he said, "I thought you had a cock."

I was like, "Oh, yeah. You got me."

Now, the only reason I tell you that

is to show how hateful we were back then.

You know what I'm saying?

My dad-- now, every person knows that people are nuanced.

They're not all evil or all good. You know?

My dad did good stuff, you know?

He was in the Second World War.

You know, he fought Hitler.

I mean, he had help. It wasn't like he had a fistfight with Hitler.

But I'm saying he liberated us from what could have been

the icy grip of Nazism.

How about that?

So that was his good side, you know?

His evil side was this crazy idea he had

that having a cock had something to do with being a boy.

I don't even know where he could come up with such an idea.

Nowadays, we can't even wrap our heads around that kind of thinking.

But people used to actually think that.

Isn't that something?

Now, in other ways, my father was very progressive.

For instance, we had a gender neutral bathroom.

You know? I used it, my brother used it,

my sister used it, my mother used it.

Anybody. It didn't matter what gender you were.

You know what I was way ahead on?

Slut-shaming.

I was always, always against that.

I remember telling the fellas in high school, I'd go,

"Guys, I think we're making a big mistake

by shaming the sluts."

You see, here's what is my concern.

I feel if we shame them too much they might stop becoming sluts.

You know?

And further ladies might not want to be sluts either.

I have a different idea.

Other than shaming the sluts, it's a different, it's a bold idea,

I say we take the sluts and we put them on our shoulders.

And we go, "Oh, hail the slut!"

That kind of thing, you know?

So I was way ahead of it, man, way ahead of it.

But anyway, that's not what I was talking about.

What the hell was I talking about? Oh, yeah, the airplane.

Yes, yes, the airplane.

Man, I don't understand it, you know?

They make all their announcements, you know?

What are they?

Why do they think we still believe that horseshit?

You know? I heard one.

I guess I just zone out because I haven't heard it before.

They say, "If your oxygen masks happen to fall,

make sure to put your oxygen mask on first

before you put the oxygen mask of the little boy."

And then, I'd go, "Yeah, that was my fucking plan.

You didn't have to tell everybody, blabbermouth."

I don't know why they think we're going to believe them.

They'll say, "Listen...

I know we're flying over the Pacific Ocean,

but don't worry, on account of if we happen to crash into the Pacific ocean,

the seat cushions are not only seat cushions,

they are also boats."