The Office

- Today smoking is going to save lives.

Fire!

Oh, fire?

Oh, my goodness!

What's the procedure?

Help!

- There is no fire, it was only a simulation.

- How could you possibly think this is a good idea?

- I can't keep doing this forever.

It's been 20 seconds.

Stanley?

Are you okay?

- Tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy.

- I'm gonna need you to sign this statement of regret

as an acknowledgement that you heard it.

- Pam's parents are going through

a little bit of a rough patch in their marriage.

I am trying to distract her by watching a movie at work.

- Nice to meet you, Mrs. Hanaday.

What is that?

People.

Please, I told you to get rid of the cell phones.

It's my biofeedback machine.

- Michael, I think you're what's stressing everybody out.

Hey.

How you doing?

We're outta mayonnaise.

Is there mustard in there?

Yes. So?

- Well, what were you gonna make?

I wasn't gonna make anything.

Sometimes when I am down,

I will have a tablespoon of mayonnaise.

It's a little gross, but...

I don't get it.

Do I stress you out?

Nothing stresses me out.

Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.

Oh.

Speaking of which.

Oh, Dwight.

I am a good person.

I'm a good person.

Mm-hmm.

You are. You're a good person.

I'm a good person.

Why can't they just see that?

- You just put my pen in your pocket.

No, I didn't.

I own all the pens in this place.

- No, I brought that in from home.

It says Washington Mutual on it.

It has a little piece of chain.

Okay.

Empty your pockets.

Meeting is over, Dwight.

Jerk.

You're a jerk.

that.

Remember when people used to say boss

when they were describing something that was really cool?

Like, "Those shoulder pads are really boss, man."

"Look at that perm.

"That perm is so boss."

It's what made me want to become a boss.

And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads.

But now boss is just slang for jerk in charge.

- How many signatures do you have?

Two.

Three if I count myself.

Nice, you're almost there.

- And it'll be four when you sign it.

Three.

And no.

Do it.

- Did you ever think, and I'm just speculating here,

that maybe you're part of the problem?

I think I would know

if I was part of the problem, Jim--

You only have two signatures.

Three.

Okay.

If I was part of the problem,

and I'm just speculating here,

what would you suggest I do?

I'd smile more.

You have a great smile.

It lights up a room.

Let's see the smile.

Nice.

Now, tense your chin.

Put your neck back a bit.

Yeah, great.

Now give me a wink.

Perfect.

You got me.

All right.

- I brought you some lunch, Stanley.

You did?

- Mm-hm. - Thank you.

What is that?

- It's a three bean salad, Kashi, and Brussels sprouts.

Oh.

- If you don't like it, you don't have to eat it.

No, I appreciate it.

Wow.

You must be really freaked out to eat that.

How long do you have to live, anyway?

Andy, please.

Hey, well, what's going on?

Stanley, you okay?

I'm fine.

God!

Phyllis, did you take off your shoe?

No.

It's Stanley's lunch.

Ew.

No wonder you're dying.

If you'll excuse me.

Yep.

Ready to go to the bathroom?

- I am not going to the bathroom with you.

Please stop trying to help me.

- Stanley, we just want you to get better.

How can I get better?

Since this happened, I haven't had a single moment

where I haven't been reminded that I'm sick

and probably gonna die in this office.

Not one single moment!

- How do I get these people to be honest with me?

I want to run the kind of office

where anyone can walk through my door and say,

"Michael, you're doing this all wrong."

Because then I can say, "No, no, no, no.

"This is why I'm doing it the way I'm doing it.

"Actually you're wrong."

"Oh, of course.

"Yes, my mistake.

"That's why you're the best."

Okay, everybody, I figured it out.

The reason that you are all so stressed around me

is that you are too intimidated to tell me

what you really think.

You are keeping these feelings inside

and that is causing stress.

So what is a solution?

Solution is honesty, laughter, and comedy.

In short--

Vacation.

Eh, mm, what?

No, no.

No.

The only funny vacation is a National Lampoon vacation.

I am talking about a roast of Michael Scott!

Oh, come on!

Who here has Comedy Central roast channel?

You've seen it, right?

Everybody gets together

and you start hurling insults at the one guy

and everybody's laughing

and everybody is hugging each other.

Michael, are you serious?

You really want us to roast to you?

Mm, si, senor.

That's offensive.

It's not!

It's not offensive during a roast.

Anything goes.

And I want you guys to really get cracking on this.

I want you to take me down.

Don't hold back.

I want you to really make fun of anything about me.

Could be my race,

could be the fact that I'm so fit

or I'm a womanizer.

Fair game.

Whatever.

I don't want to write your stuff for you,

but I just want it to be good.

When I was a kid,

there was nothing better than

the Dean Martin Celebrity Roast.

Everybody had fun.

And by the end of it,

nobody was scared of Dean Martin anymore.

We just felt bad for him.

Oh my god.

Oh man.

Oh, my god.

- I consider myself a good person.

But I'm gonna try to make him cry.

- We shouldn't be doing this at work.

It's a bad idea.

But I'm powerless to stop it.

- The only thing I've ever roasted is a chicken.

"Hey chicken, your nose is so big I thought you were

"a turkey vulture."

'Cause turkey vultures have...

Back when I had anger issues,

I used to blow my top over nothing.