The Substitute (Vikaren)

Once upon a time there was a blue planet ... Earth.

On this planet some 6 billion people lived together, -

- for better or for worse, in war, in love.

But there was also life on another planet.

Its population was not as diverse: they only knew war, not love.

So mankind had something they really wanted ...

... Namely: love. That is how our story begins ...

...and things are going to get a lot worse.

THE SUBSTITUTE

"The Most Powerful Force in the Universe" -

- is Jesper Osboell's sensational book ...

Blow me if that ain't that fox ...

What are ye at?

Ye knows I want peace and quiet after seven p.m.!

Get me?

I never seed such a flock of lousy chick'ns.

Pull yer socks up! That goes for you, too.

Yeah, you. You heard me.

Come here.

Come here.

You write "man has an ability possessed by no other ...

"...the ability to love, to show compassion, empathy".

"Love makes man unique". Jesper Osboell, these are great words.

Well, we aren't exactly physical masterpieces:

We can't live under water, we can't fly, -

- we can't run very fast, we get cold easily.

However, we are sublime at buoying each other up.

- We possess the ability to love. - Exactly.

The most powerful force in the universe.

Well, that's perhaps an oversimplification, but ...

...our ability to feel empathy makes us unique as individuals.

- Whom do you love? - Me?

I'm just saying you look much cuter with short hair.

I'd much rather have long hair.

- I look stupid. - You look cute.

I don't want to talk about it.

It's ugly, ugly, ugly, it's ugly, ugly, ugly, it's ugly ...

- Lots of boys my age have long hair. - Ugly, ugly, ugly ...

Nice, nice, nice ...

"This is my daughter. Caroline."

No, mum, my name's Carl.

- I like it and so does dad. - He has no idea.

Just look at the clothes he wears!

Does this look OK?

- Something stinks. - What's that smell?

Is it the hair or the gear he's wearing? You're disgusting.

You smell like a cow.

Do you want to hear a story?

Once there were two testicles: one called Tobias; the other, Malthe.

- And they were really, really sad. - Albert, you're sick.

- Because they were homeless. - Why were they homeless?

- Because they had no prick. - Very funny.

Excuse me ... excuse me, children. could we have a wee bit of quiet?

First of all I'd awfully like to introduce you to, er...?

- Rikke. - Rikke's new. Do be nice to her.

Rikke comes from ...?

- Aalborg. - Aalborg. Aalborg is ...

... up north, but you know that. Rikke's moved here with her ...

- Mum. - Yes, I knew that, Rikke.

I think there's room for you over there.

And Jette has come down with a bad case of salmonella poisoning.

Anyway, every cloud has a silver lining.

- But, sir! Sir! - So you're to have a substitute.

And I can assure you you are really fortunate because ...

Yes, Lotte?

My mum and dad are teachers.

They say substitute teachers have to be as good as ordinary ones.

Or the teaching will be much worse while our teacher is ill -

and we won't learn as much.

What exactly did you want to ask me, Lotte?

Is she a real teacher who's just as good as Jette?

Ulla has been seconded here from the ministry of education.

Ulla wants a class to represent Denmark -

- in a super EU project. You'll be given tests -

and if you are REALLY good, -

- well, you will all be getting a trip to Paris!

You can have the rest of the day off.

Aren't we going to be given any homework for today at all?

Carl? Haven't you got an appointment with Claus?

I hear you're still not getting on with the rest of your class?

Really.

You have this hatred inside you; I understand that.

Shall we talk about your mother today?

I had a dream about her last night.

She's lying on the bed. I'm watching her.

She reaches out to me. She strokes my cheek.

That's good, Carl, it's really good.

She whispers to me ...

Do you remember what she whispers?

"I am going to die, my son."”

"But promise that no matter what, you will go on living. Live, live!"

Did she really say that?

Then I hear this noise.

A flapping sound. Something lands at the window.

- An angel? - A giant chicken.

And suddenly it does this whacking great pile of chicken crap.

But the weird thing is, the crap begins to move.

And out of it comes a miniature version of you.

You're standing there covered in crap -

waving at me.

- And then you speak. - What do I say, Carl?

"Hello, I'm Claus, the school psychologist -

- and I am so stupid I'll believe anything".

See you next Wednesday, right?

Yes. See you.

Goddammit!

- I'm sorry, kids ... - It's not as bad as it usually is.

- Some of it's OK. - I am a cliché.

- What's a cliché? - A useless lone dad.

We'll manage. It'll just take some time.

- Daddy? - Yes, sweetie?

Do you have a bird?

What?!

You're all scratchy. That's probably why not.

Sofie. We are with the person we love. And I love your mummy.

But ...

...she's dead and I want a new one.

One you can touch.

Now sit down and eat your...

Men like ladies otherwise, don't they?

- Well, Sofie, monks don't. - What are monks?

Men who don't want to be with ladies.

And nuns are ladies who don't want to be with men.

- So daddy's a monk. - Yes.

- What did Psycho-Claus say? - Are you going to be taken away?

Better get that straitjacket on.

- Cut the crap. - I'm just taking an interest.

- What are you at? - Giving you something to cry about.

Hello ...

So this is 6B?

Welcome to our prickstitute.

Would you like to explain what a "prickstitute"” is?

- You wrote it, didn't you? - Yes.

So I am a "prickstitute"? What's that, Albert?

Just a play on words? "Prick" instead of "sub"?

Or is it easier to pronounce "prick” than "sub"” with protruding teeth?

Do you find drinking awfully difficult?

It was only a bit of fun.

There's nothing like a good laugh, is there, Lotte?

Do you mind coming up here to correct the spelling?

And shut your mouth so you don't scratch the floor.

6B. I must say it is odd being in the company -

- of so many such astonishingly untalented children.

I am not used to being with so many stupid people.

What's she on about?

About the fact that there is nothing going on in your heads at all.

Only stupidity, stupidity, stupidity.

- Hey, our class ... - Put your hand up! Camilla?

- What I wanted to say was ... - Wait!

- Yes, Camilla? - Our marks are better than average.

You're smarter than an earthworm, right?

But does that make you Albert Einstein? No. Or does it, Phillip?

- I don't think you can ... - Speak only when spoken to!

- Lotte? - We've heard of those surveys ...

But my mum and dad know lots because they're teachers and ...

Stop Lotte! Your mouth is like a hamster, little Lotte.

Running round and round in its treadmill getting nowhere.

If you spoke less you'd say fewer silly things. Albert?

- I think you are just totally nice. - Why, thank you! How sweet!

No! I meant mean! I think you are just totally nice ... mean!

You are also totally nice, Albert. 6B, before we're through -

- I promise you will be the cleverest pupils in the universe.

Even you, Malthe.

- We're only in year 6 ... - Hand up, Rikke! Yes, Rikke?

- We're only in Year 6. - And?

You make it sound as if we ought to know everything.

Where I come from we do know everything.

- Nobody knows everything. - I know everything. Try me.

What's 634 times 9672

- 613078. Simple. - What's my little brother called?

Jonas.

- Who scored the first goal in ... - Ronaldo.

But worshipping him won't help you unless you lose some weight.

What's 2,622,946 divided by 5124?

511.89422326. Just mental gymnastics.

- Who's the head designer at BMW? - Chris Bangle.

- Who is Tobias in love with? - He snogs you but loves Camilla.

WRONG! No, he does not!

But Camilla isn't in love with Tobias. Camilla is in love with ...

Albert?!

What?

Silence!

What am I thinking right now?

Carl! Humans can't read minds, but in your case it is easy.

All you ever think about is your poor dead mummy in heaven.

So right now you are forcing yourself to think of something else entirely:

Pancakes and ice cream.

Thank you, 6B. I look forward to working with you. Run along!

She can't do this! She's sick! She can't talk to us like that!?

That bit about your teeth was pretty funny.

I've heard of those studies about attainment levels.

- We are pretty thick. - Yes, we are.

- I'm not going to Paris with her. - Teachers can't talk like that.

- I'm going to tell. - That stuff about Carl and his mum.

- Are you just going to swallow it? - What were you thinking about?

This is a list of every teacher in Denmark: no Ulla Harms.

So I check the ministry of education.

No Ulla Harms. Right: I try the national register, -

- where everybody in the country is listed.

No Ulla Harms.