1000 Ways to Die

male announcer: HERE'S ONE FOR YOU.

- GO. I'LL DO IT MYSELF.

announcer: WHAT DO YOU GET

WHEN YOU MIX A GIRL WHO'S TOO TENSE...

announcer: A VIKING WITH A HEAD FOR BUSINESS...

announcer: TWO TERRORISTS WHO ARE HAVING A BLAST...

A COUPLE OF STONERS WHO GET REALLY RIPPED...

A LOVER WHO TOOK A LICKIN'...

announcer: A DUDE WHO GOT SPACED OUT...

AND A GIRL WHO HAD ENORMOUS...

- OH, MY GOD! announcer: LUNG CAPACITY?

- THAT STRIPPER'S GOT A BOMB IN HER CHEST!

announcer: YOU GET A BRAND-NEW EPISODE

OF 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.

- -

announcer: DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.

MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT.

OTHERS CAN'T GET OUT OF ITS WAY.

EVERY DAY WE FIGHT A NEW WAR AGAINST GERMS...

TOXINS...

INJURY...

ILLNESS, AND CATASTROPHE.

THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS TO WIND UP DEAD.

THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE AT ALL IS A MIRACLE...

BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE...

WE FACE 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.

*

CONNIE WAS IN A FUNK.

THE ACTING CAREER SHE IMAGINED HADN'T PANNED OUT.

HER BEST PERFORMANCE SO FAR WAS PRETENDING TO BE AWAKE

AT HER TEMP JOBS.

DESPERATE FOR A CHANGE, SHE WAS READY TO SELL OUT.

HER PLAN-- BECOME A STRIPPER.

SHE LACKED ONLY ONE--

MAKE THAT TWO THINGS TO GET GOING.

- MOTIVATIONS THAT DRIVE YOUNG LADIES

TO HAVE EXTRAORDINARY LARGE BREAST IMPLANTS

STEMS FROM OFTEN THE DESIRE TO FEEL ACCEPTED,

WHICH DOES INSPIRE A LOT OF YOUNG LADIES

TO OVERLY ENHANCE THEIR PHYSIQUE.

announcer: CONNIE SURFED THE INTERNET

FOR THE CHEAPEST BOOB JOB SHE COULD AFFORD.

SHE FOUND IT.

- OKAY, JUST TELL ME WHAT IT IS THAT YOU WANT.

I WANT STRIPPER BOOBS, OKAY?

I WANT MELONS. I WANT GAZONKAS, BONKERS.

I DON'T WANT TO SEE MY FEET,

JUST THE BIGGEST YOU CAN MAKE THEM.

YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND.

- OKAY. - OKAY.

announcer: THIS QUACK WOULD DO ANYTHING

AS LONG AS YOU PAID CASH.

- I PROMISE TO GIVE YOU THE BIGGEST TATAS

IN ALL OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.

OKAY.

- NOW LET'S GO AHEAD AND CUT THIS BIMBO OPEN.

announcer: TWO WEEKS LATER,

CONNIE BOARDED A FLIGHT TO VEGAS A NEW WOMAN.

DAMN.

announcer: AS SHE TOOK HER SEAT,

SHE COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE ALL THE DOUBLE TAKES

ON HER DOUBLE "D"s.

DAD!

SORRY.

- HI. - HI.

- MA'AM, YOU MIND IF I PUT YOUR ARMREST DOWN?

- THANKS. - ANYTIME.

announcer: THE PLANE TOOK OFF, AND CONNIE COULD FEEL IT.

HER LUCK WAS CHANGING.

WHAT SHE REALLY FELT

WAS THE STIRRING OF AIR BUBBLES

AND OTHER GASES TRAPPED IN HER NEW KNOCKERS.

TURNS OUT SHE GOT WHAT SHE PAID FOR.

HER PLASTIC SURGEON HAD USED SUBSTANDARD IMPLANTS,

BARELY ONE STEP ABOVE WATER BALLOONS.

THEY HAD NO BUSINESS WINDING UP INSIDE A WOMAN'S CHEST.

CERTAIN GASES ACTUALLY HAVE

A LOWER DENSITY THAN OTHER GASES,

AND SO SOME GASES ACTUALLY CAN EXPAND TO A GREATER AMOUNT

AND TO APPLY GREATER PRESSURE

AS THE ALTITUDE CHANGES.

announcer: AS THE PLANE CLIMBED OUT,

THE GURGLING NOISE GREW LOUDER.

- OH, MY GOD! AAH!

OH, MY GOD!

announcer: HER LOVELY LADY LUMPS STARTED EXPANDING

AT AN ALARMING RATE.

THEY GREW TO RIDICULOUS PROPORTIONS.

- THAT STRIPPER'S GOT A BOMB IN HER CHEST!

- CALM DOWN! CALM DOWN!

WE'RE GONNA DIE!

announcer: WHEN THE PLANE HIT 20,000 FEET...

- A YOUNG LADY GETTING ON AN AIRPLANE

WHO HAS EXTREMELY LARGE IMPLANTS--

SHE'S GOING TO BE EXPOSED

TO A SLIGHTLY LOWER ATMOSPHERIC PRESSURE,

WHICH COULD LEAD TO FAILURE AND CATASTROPHIC OUTCOME.

announcer: CONNIE THOUGHT BIGGER BOOBS

WOULD GIVE HER A NEW LEASE ON LIFE.

TOO BAD DEATH STEPPED IN

AND POPPED HER BALLOONS.

MANY IN THE MODERN-DAY WORKFORCE START OFF EACH DAY

WITH A HEALTHY BOWL OF...

HIGH-GRADE MARIJUANA.

announcer: FOR BERNIE AND CAESAR,

THIS WAS THEIR BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS.

OH, WOW.

announcer: BUT WHEN SOME WORKERS

GET HIGH ON THE JOB,

THEY DON'T WORK.

THEY PLAY.

YEAH!

WHOO-HOO!

announcer: A ROPE AND A FORKLIFT

IS ALL THESE TWO NEED TO GET GIGGLY.

YEAH!

announcer: WHILE CAESAR WAS DIGGING HIS LATEST MIXTAPE,

THE ROPE STOPPED. -

announcer: THE FORKLIFT DIDN'T,

AND BERNIE WAS CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE.

- IF SOMEBODY HAS A ROPE AROUND THEIR TORSO

AND THE FORCE IS SO GREAT THAT YOU ACTUALLY SEVER YOUR TORSO,

ALL THE GASTROINTESTINAL CONTENTS

ARE JUST GOING TO FLY EVERYWHERE.

SO ALL THE FECAL MATTER, ALL THE INTESTINAL JUICES,

ALL THE HALF-DIGESTED FOOD.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE ABOUT SEVEN GALLONS OF GUNK

JUST SPLATTERING EVERYWHERE.

- WHOO!

announcer: BERNIE AND CAESAR THOUGHT GETTING HIGH AT WORK

WAS FUN.

announcer: WHAT DO YOU THINK NOW, BERNIE?

COMING UP...

A HAPPY CAMPER... -

announcer: TAKES FLIGHT.

announcer: AND BOMB MAKING CAN BE BACKBREAKING,

ALONG WITH EVERY OTHER BONE IN YOUR BODY.

NO!

announcer: BRAD LOVED NATURE.

THAT'S WHY HE TOOK HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND, FIONA, CAMPING

ON THEIR FIRST DATE.

I LOVE THIS PLACE.

I CAME OUT HERE WHEN I WAS A KID.

REALLY?

announcer: BUT FIONA WANTED TO EXPLORE

A DIFFERENT ASPECT OF NATURE.

- DO YOU BELIEVE IN, UH, SEX ON A FIRST DATE?

YEAH.

YEAH.

OKAY, NOW HARDER.

HARDER!

announcer: BRAD THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO COMMUNE WITH NATURE...

- HARDER! announcer: BUT WOUND UP

WITH ONE OF NATURE'S MOST VORACIOUS PREDATORS...

- OTHER HOLE. OTHER HOLE.

announcer: A NYMPHOMANIAC.

- HARDER! HARDER!

OH, IS THIS, LIKE, YOUR FIRST TIME?

- NO, IT'S, LIKE, MY FIFTH. - OH, MY GOD!

announcer: BRAD'S INEPT PERFORMANCE

LED TO PREMATURE EJECTION.

JUST LEAVE.

GET OUT.

- FINE. - TAKE YOUR STUFF.

GO. I'LL DO IT MYSELF.

announcer: FRUSTRATED...

FIONA WENT BACK IN THE TENT TO FINISH HERSELF OFF.

announcer: SHE WAS A ROCKET ABOUT TO LAUNCH,

AND SHE KNEW EXACTLY WHICH BUTTON TO PUSH.

announcer: BUT JUST AS SHE REACHED LIFTOFF,

A FREAK WIND BLEW IN AND LIFTED HER OFF.

- OH, GOD!

- THE WIND IS BLOWING AGAINST THE SIDE OF THE TENT,

AND IT'S PROBABLY TRYING TO PUSH THE SIDE OF THE TENT OVER.

THEN AS SOON AS THE WIND GETS UNDERNEATH

AND PUSHES THE FRAME OF THE TENT FROM BELOW--

AND THEN IT'S BASICALLY THE SAME IDEA OF AIRPLANE FLIGHT.

announcer: A MILE DOWN THE MOUNTAIN,

FIONA'S MAGIC-CARPET RIDE ENDED WITH A BANG.

WHEN YOUR HEAD IS CRUSHED,

IT'S NOT LIKE GALLAGHER CRUSHING A WATERMELON.

IT DOESN'T EXPLODE PIECES OF BRAIN EVERYWHERE

MOST OF THE TIME,

BECAUSE IT HAS A COVERING AROUND IT.

SO IT'S BASICALLY LIKE A WATERMELON

INSIDE OF A BOWLING-BALL CASE.

announcer: FIONA GOT OFF, TOOK OFF,

AND NEVER CAME BACK.

announcer: EVERYBODY'S GOT TO WORK,

INCLUDING ABDUL AND HABIB.