Every Home Should Have One

"Like a mighty army"...

..."Moved the Church of God."

"Brothers, we are treading"...

"...Where the saints have trod."

"We are not divided"...

..."All one body we."

"One in hope and doctrine"...

..."One in charity."

"Onward Christian Soldiers"...

..."Marching as to war."

"With the cross of Jesus"...

..."Going on before."

One basket...

...had very good figs.

But the other basket...

...had very naughty figs.

Then, said the Lord unto me...

..."What seest thou, Jeremiah?"

And I said: "Figs."

My friends...

...for my sermon today, I have chosen the subject of sex.

The other day, a friend said to me...

..."Geoff, old chum"...

..."Is there too much sex around these days?"

"Especially on the television?"

Well, my answer...

...is "Yes."

Oh, I would be the first to agree that sex...

...in its proper context is a beautiful and ennobling thing.

But, in its proper context.

And that does not mean...

...when it is thrust at us for commercial gain.

Thrust at us, in ever-increasing quantities...

...by the muck-mongers of the mass media.

The time has come for us...

...to call a halt to this moral erosion.

To join a crusade for better, cleaner television.

That crusade...

...is the England Clean, England Strong Society.

Hmmph.

"Every home should have one."

"Every home should have one."

"Every home should have one, Every home should have one."

"Every home should have one. Cool as mountain dew."

"Smooth and swift and super-emollient. Instant, special new!"

"Plastic free gifts have to be given"...

..."Free!"

"Satisfaction certificated"...

..."Polyvinyl chromium-plated."

"Every home should have one"...

..."In a monster size."

"Sun-ripe, sunkissed, sun-blessed and bottled"...

..."Super grand surprise."

"Brown and bronzed and bleached with a guarantee."

"Every home should have one."

"Fresher, cleaner, lighter, bigger, better, brighter"...

"Sparkling white, and whiter"...

..."Full of every vitamin"...

..."That you will ever hope to see."

"Every home should have one, Just like mother made"...

..."Silky, sexy, super-deodorous, Tested by the trade."

"Go to work on this and you'll walk on air."

"Spread so smooth and easy to wear and wash"...

..."It's something that you can share in."

"Every home should have one, Gives a well-sprung rest."

"High-grade, high-speed, high-definition, Bigger, better, best!"

"Unrepeatable offer of country fare!"

"Every home should have one."

"Fresher, cleaner, lighter, bigger, better, brighter"...

..."Sparkling white, and whiter! "Full of every vitamin"...

..."That you will ever hope to see!"

Ooh!

Oh..!

Oh!

I'm Whizzy, the Alka Vita Kid!

Feeling unwell? Stomach upsets getting you down?

You tell, em, kid.

"I clean your liver through and through."

"That's the job I do for you."

"See it sparkle, see it fizz!"

"Alka Vita is a whizz."

"For sparkling teeth and tingly gums"...

..."Use Chlorodent!"

"And remember, Chlorodent gives you that HALO OF HYGIENE!"

You said you were going to finish that Saturday night.

Had to watch TV.

"Had to"? A man came in and forced you at the point of a gun?

You and Dad were out, so Hildegarde said...

Hildegard's altogether too easy-going with you.

Dad seeing them again?

That'll be the Jolly Dandruff Giant.

I don't like the Jolly Dandruff Giant. He's a silly old ponce.

What did you say?

Morning, Rich.

Morning, Dad.

Just tell your father what you just said.

I said I think the Jolly Dandruff Giant is a silly old ponce.

- That's interesting, isn't it? - Mmm.

We've got a very good identification with the, er...

- ...fourteen to fifteen age group... - No, the word he used.

- Do you approve? - Hmm? Um...

...no! Certainly not.

Richard - never let me hear you use that word again.

Policemen say it.

You've never heard a policeman say that!

I did, on a TV play on Saturday night.

Then when the girl came in, they sai...

No one wants to hear. Get on with your cornflakes.

I'll have a chat with Hildegarde.

Hildegarde.

Hildegarde!

HILDEGARDE!

My baby?!

Richard? I don't believe it!

From the fathers I expect this sort of thing.

But from the sons, it's too much.

Goodbye, Mrs Brown!

You're late.

Because it's McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge, dear.

Is that why it's so smooth and creamy?

Yes, dear.

McLaughlin's is made from the pick of the oats.

Come on - eat up!

He LOVES his frozen McLaughlin's, bless him.

Take a tip from wee Angus.

McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge builds bonnie bairns!

"Yes, bonnie boys and bonnie girls"...

..."eat McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge."

You want a considered opinion?

YUCH!

"Y-U-C-H"?

Precisely.

And underlined!

What went wrong, Nat?

Oh, it's, uh... er, excuse me.

Frank, a merchandising error...

Teddy - what did I do wrong?

You forgot to research the socio-economic profile.

- Socio-economic? - ... their board, and their head office.

You see...

...er, Teddy forgot to research the socio-economic profile.

Teddy?

My graphics man - wonderful young fellow...

- ...oh, he is so... - Pure Victorian sentimentality.

But Frank, the "love equals frozen porridge" angle!

We won the prize for that one, Frank.

The brand-identification factor is up to seventy-three.

I'll go along with that, Frank.

- Hang on! - Nat...

...you have fallen down, on a big one.

McLaughlin's not just one account.

He's a commercial empire.

Um... ooh.

Well, I keep telling that to Teddy.

He can tell you. Teddy, will you tell 'em, please?

Motivational research gave us a...

...survey in depth, Frank.

Mother love is IN.

I go along with that thinking, too, Frank.

He goes along with that thinking, too, Frank.

A McLaughlin campaign has to be important.

Impact, Charles.

- Now, you... play with that sales report. - Teddy, for Pete's sake...

...say something. I am pleading with you to say something.

- Morning, Jenny. - Morning, Mr Brown.

Inject a dignity factor.

- Yes, we can give it more dignity. - Mmm.

Erm, uh, giveaway campaign.

Free plastic, uh... what are those funny things Scotties are always wearing?

Oh, they're what we call "sporrans".

Aye, free plastic sporrans!

We lose McLaughlin, we lose more than agency revenue.

Don't you know his latest factory was opened by royalty?

- "Royalty equals mother love." - Terribly sorry.

There's a chance...

...the McLaughlin conglomerate... McLoughlin foundation.

Sporrans?

What's your view?

- I... - I agree entirely.

- It stinks. - Uh..?

The campaign as at present conceptualised... stinks.

And he, he is the only one with the...

...with the insight...

...the, the insight, and the guts, to...

..to... Hmm. Who is he?

Well, he's one of my boys. He's on my team, Frank.

His name is Teddy Brown.

He's a product of the old Nat Kaplan Nursery...

...and I am grooming him personally, Frank.

- Nat, you're hurting me. - Oh.

Then, Brown...

...an honest appraisal of the campaign.

Give it to me straight. Where do you think we went wrong?

Tell him. Tell him where we went wrong, huh?

Well, um...

...fundamentally...

- ...we were... - Yes, yes?

The mistake we made was, you see...

- ...er, selling porridge... - A-ha! Ah? Ha, ha, right!

Right? Oh, he hit the nail right on the head! Oh, gee...