Transylvania 6-5000

Come on, Jim!

You've been taking pictures of buildings all during our trip.

Take a shot of me.

Just stand by the door.

I don't understand.

This is a deserted chapel, and somebody's holding the door!

That's good...

Oh, God!

Run! Run!

Look, it's Frankenstein!

Well? What do you think?

About what?

The film, the thing going through the door.

- Scary. - Where'd you get that?

I got it. No one else has seen it. It's an exclusive.

No, Gil, it's a phony. Those guys obviously staged the whole thing.

I'm sure to get their names in the paper. So, what's up?

You know, you better think of something better,

because you're going out on this story.

What story?

The monster story.

No, no, Mac, I don't want to go out on a monster story.

You don't want to go out?

Every time I give you a good lead, you tell me you don't want to go out.

Or if you do go out, you come back with nothing.

It's not my fault.

- And what about what you do to my stories. - What do I do?

I can't believe we're talking about this again.

I didn't want to have this conversation one more time.

That story on labor exploitation in the hemp plant.

The one you headlined: "Women Forced to Work in Rape Factory."

When that was a rope factory.

- That was a typo. - A typo?

- Besides, rape is a grabber. - He's right. It is a big grabber.

Look, didn't you hire me to raise the journalistic level of this paper?

Wrong!

I hired you to raise the vocabulary level of this paper.

I want to keep the journalistic level very low.

Why do you think I teamed you up with him?

- Hey, I'm a team player. - Mac, this is crap.

Crap? I like crap. I love crap. I need crap.

Crap is what sells newspapers.

Look around you. Crap, crap, crap. Crap, crap, crap, crap.

May I say, I have no problem with crap.

Good boy. I'll be right back.

Look, when you talk to me, don't touch me.

I don't touch you.

No? What do you call this and that and this?

I don't want you to do this. Or this. And especially this.

I don't do that.

Well, in case you think of it, I don't want you to do it.

You're going out right away.

What have we got? Planes, trains, buses. Where are we going?

Transylvania.

What am I doing here? Why am I working here?

I should be going to Moscow. I should be going to the Middle East.

Transylvania, all right!

Where is that?

I don't know. It's over there someplace.

Great, over there someplace.

- Fine. - We'll find it.

You better find it. Because I'm counting on you guys for a Frankenstein story.

I'm sorry, you're counting on us for a what story?

Frankenstein! You remember Frankenstein? Big guy...

Frankenstein. I didn't think he was still alive.

You didn't think. That's right, you didn't think.

He was never alive, schmohawk. That's the point.

That was a book. That was a movie. That wasn't real life.

And it certainly isn't the news!

Well, I think it is.

These guys are watching that monster, and they think he looks like Frankenstein.

You're giving me a headache.

Why don't you take your headache and get the hell out of here?

Only when you come back, you better come back with a story.

A town in fear, a mad scientist. Something.

Because if you guys come back with nothing,

you're both fired.

You can't fire me. I'm your son.

Prove it.

- Okay... - Here's the cassette.

Now, we're not pushing it just a little with this Frankenstein thing.

- I love to push it. - Why can't you be like him?

- I tell him... - Are you gonna come back with a story?

- Yes, Dad! - See that? Why don't you listen to him?

Listen to him.

He makes me sick.

- Documented scientists, information. - This is stupidity.

The stones at Easter Island,

- the landing strips in the Andes. - That's stupid. This fits right in.

Now, hear this, both of you.

Next week, I want a banner headline:

"Frankenstein Lives!"

I don't understand it. Rome, Paris, Vienna,

we had all that lousy weather. Look at this.

It certainly doesn't look like... what did your dad say... "a town in fear," does it?

- Transylvania is... cute. - It's cute.

Laura, don't go too far.

Hey, go play with that kid.

I don't want to play with the kid. She's not my age.

- Play with the kid. - Why should I play with...

Oh, I know why.

Excuse me.

Hi.

You know, I saw you sitting on the bus. I was gonna come back, but I...

- But you were too bashful. - That's right.

But now that we've met, I'm gaining some self-confidence.

Good! Then it will be easier for you to deal with rejection.

Laura, I told you to stay near me.

Gil, stop playing with Laura.

She's a lovely child. Is she yours?

Americans?

Welcome to Transylvania, I am Mayor Lepescu.

Enjoy our shops. Enjoy our food.

Enjoy our way of life.

And be sure you attend our annual wine festival,

- known the continent over. - Great, we can get drunk together.

- When is this wine festival? - It begins tomorrow.

And lasts, as you Americans say, until the cows go home!

- I never say that. Do you? - Never.

I say it once in awhile,

but I certainly don't say it in anything other than a whimsical way.

If you want to know my name,

- I'm Elizabeth Ellison. - Elizabeth Ellison.

I know.

Listen, Elizabeth...

I'm not staying at this hotel. I'm staying at another hotel.

Can I call you by any chance?

Would you like to do something, or would you like to go out for dinner?

I'm Jack Harrison, by the way. I'm sorry.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

Look, I'll only be in town a couple of days.

So am I.

- I'm just here a couple of days too. - Mommy, where's our room?

We're going there now, honey.

- Hang on, I'm going to be right back. - Go ahead.

Hi, I'd like to ask you a question.

- This is just between you and me. - Yes, sir.

Is there anything happening around here?

I see. You want a... woman.

No, no, has there been any trouble, any strange goings on?

Strange? You are looking for something...

- kinky? - No, let me put it this way...

- I've heard stories. - Stories. About us?

No. I mean... Frankenstein.

Who?

Frankenstein. You know Frankenstein, don't you?

- Frankenstein? - Yes, the monster.

Dead Frankenstein.

- Uta? - No, no...

- Yes, Danko? - Have you seen Frankenstein lately?

Frankenstein?

I don't think so.

Oh, Mayor?

No, don't bother the mayor. Please don't.

This man is asking about Frankenstein.

Frankenstein?

Frank Sinatra. I was asking about Frank Sinatra, really.

You understand, a joke. It was just a silly joke.

I was kidding. Where have you been?

What's all this about?

Nothing. I asked the clerk a simple question.

What kind of question?

I asked about Frankenstein.

- What? - Frankenstein, okay?

I asked about Frankenstein.

- I'm sorry. - We're in town five minutes

and you ask a point-blank question like that?

- Should I have eased into it? - What do you think?

I'm sorry, I don't know.

Frankenstein!

Yeah, yeah, my friend was just kidding. It's an American joke.

- A big joke. - I know!

No, wait!

This is Transylvania.

Don't you want to ask us about...

Dracula?

I see. Okay.

Or how about the Creature from the Black Lagoon?

Hey, I've got Godzilla in the back room.

I like it, that's a good one.

How about the Blob?

Hey, if I see Hitler, I'll ask him about the Blob!

You incredible asshole!

We're here five minutes and you make me the laughingstock of Transylvania.

- They laughed at me too! - Deservedly so.

Go. Bring them to me.

Thank you.

Look, there's the castle.

Doesn't it have an ominous aura about it?

An ominous aura?

Yeah.

Where's my wallet? Wallet...

May I help you?

Hi, this is Mr. Harrison. I'm Mr. Turner.

Yes, you are expected.

Get away from there. Get, get...

- Excuse me? - Get out of here.

Get away from here, you fool!

You... You stupid idiot!

No! You... You idiot!