Wilfred

God, it's so nice to hav an afternoon off.

I'm glad you're able to come out to lunch with me.

Well, Mondays are usually pretty light.

Um, it's Thursday.

Right. I'm just saying that Mondays work, too,

lunch-wise.

Jenna?

Oh, my God, Nick! Hey!

I thought it was you.

Uh, this is my neighbor Ryan. Hey.

I profiled Nick for the Local Hero of the Week segment

on the 5:00 news.

He spent a whole year in Africa building houses for the poor.

Solar powered, of course.

They each have the carbon footprint

of a tiny African baby.

Oh, and I made them shoes.

Nick is an amazing person.

Hey, it's all about the kids... who have shoes now.

Wow, you're like the great white Oprah, aren't you?

Actually, I think of myself as post-racial.

What do you do, Ryan?

Oh, um, well, it's Thursday, so, uh...

Oh, Ryan used to be a very powerful lawyer,

but now he's taking some time off.

Ah... to do what?

Uh, you know...

Well, that sounds...

Come on, mate, give us a bit

of that gouda I'm smelling.

Wilfred, no, you can't have cheese.

What am I supposed to eat?

The grass down here tastes like shit

and the shit tastes like grass!

Wilfred? Wilfred!

Wilfred, come back!

I'll go. You two catch up.

You know cheese isn't good for you.

I'm sick of you telling me what I can and can't do.

It's like those baby killers say, "My body, my choice."

I'm sorry, but apparently, looking after you is

my sole reason for getting out of bed.

What am I doing with my life?

Nothing.

Don't undersell yourself.

How many people can watch a whole season of The Wire

in one sitting? Not many, I'd wager.

That shit is dense.

The way Jenna jumped in to cover for me...

like I'm some kind of loser.

Is that what people think of me?

What are you, a golden retriever?

What do you care what other people think?

Uh, excuse me.

Would you sign a petition

to support the South Venice Hospice?

Yeah, sure. Great. Just sign

right here, but don't worry about the address part.

You can just leave that blank.

Why would I do that?

Well, you could list a shelter or something.

Shelter? You think I'm homeless?

Do I look homeless?

Well, you were talking to a dog.

Here we are.

Whoa, you said we were going for a walk.

A walk, Ryan, which by definition means no destination.

Even a cat knows that.

I thought it would be a good idea for us to get off the couch

and do some volunteer work.

You mean like community service?

That's for drunk drivers and wife beaters,

not decent folk like us. Now come on.

Let's go over to that playground and blaze a fatty.

Come on. It'll feel good to do something worthwhile.

Besides, these people have

a lifetime of wisdom to share with us.

Like what, how to keep from sitting on your balls?

Wilfred, we're doing this.

You can't make me do whatever you want.

You're not my husband!

Oh, my God! The stench!

Wilfred, you can't pee here.

Why not? Everyone else is.

Hi. We're here to volunteer.

Oh, fantastic.

Stay right there. I'm gonna start planning your parade.

Just a cake will be fine.

Anyway, uh, this is Wilfred, and I'm...

You know what? Let's not bother with the names, you know?

If you make it through the day, we'll revisit this.

Kill me, please!

What? I wanna die!

Why won't they let me die?!

Oh, you don't mean that.

You've got a lot of living to do.

There are mountains to be climbed.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who's gonna change his diaper

on those mountains, huh? These people are ready to die.

Hope is the last thing they need.

A coffin is the last thing they need. Up top. I just thought...

Uh-uh, our only job is to offer them peace and comfort.

for their final days, not cheery little pep talks.

Think you can handle that?

Uh-huh. Okay. All right, Mr. Gordon.

You can't do that.

Can't eat cheese, can't jack morphine.

Is there anything I can do, Ryan?

: That dog can't be in here!

Oh, it's okay. He's a service dog.

There's something about that dog I don't like.

Something about him rattles me bones.

I ain't rattling your bones.

Not without a few drinks in me.

Have a nice day.

I don't get it, Ryan.

No one in America wants to be a nurse?

Admit it, Ryan, you're not getting

any satisfaction out of this.

You're only here so Jenna and everyone will think you're a do-gooder.

Yeah, okay, I want to be admired.

I want people to think I'm a good person

like that douchebag in the park.

What's wrong with that?

The only opinion that matters is yours.

Come on. Let's get stoned and then go home and get stoned.

I'm not going anywhere, and neither are you.

Fine. You want to heal the sick like Florence Henderson,

be my guest.

That's Florence Nightingale.

No, I'm talking about the episode where Jan got the mumps.

Or was that Bobby? And why did they need Alice?

Sure, they had six kids,

but Carol didn't even work.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm very, very high.

I'm gonna take a nap.

Mr. Helms, I took that pile of photos on your dresser

and I put them in this scrapbook

so you could look at your loved ones.

If there's anything else I can do for you...

Wait. Yes?

Do that thing you did for me in Paris.

I'm not sure I...

Come on, Betty. The war's over.

Take these trousers off and toss my salad.

What?

Do it, you little whore!

Get your tongue in there and play with yourself.

That's it. I'm done.

Hey, volunteer guy, scrub that out.

Actually, I was just about to get my dog and...

Oh, my God, your dog.

Officer, I swear, she told me she was three.

I'm sorry. I'll get him out...

No, no, no, he sensed that Mr. Gordon was leaving us

and he didn't want him to die alone.

Your dog did a beautiful thing.

He did?

Well, compassion was the first trick I taught him.

Hi, I'm Ryan.

Everybody, this is Ryan

and his dog Wilfred.

I knew Wilfred was special, but this is amazing.

Well, I'm not sure he actually did anything.

No, I've heard about this kind of thing.

There was this cat in Ohio that predicted 22 deaths.

They say that it's a chemical thing,

something that they can smell. Hmm.

I just thought he went in there to pass out...

...sleep.

So, Wilfred has a gift. How about that.

I am so proud of him.

I'm proud of you both.

Come here, Wilfred. Come here.

I'm gonna make you a special dinner.

Hey, if you're not doing anything, do you want to join us?

I'm just going to toss a salad.

Sounds great.

Okay. (playful growling)

Think you might be disappointed, mate.

Sometimes the term "tossed salad"

means a bowl of lettuce.

Drop it.

Wilfred, come on. I don't want you to be sick

when we go back to the hospice tomorrow.

Hmm, yeah, I don't think I'm going back.

What? Why?

I know you're getting off

on being a big hero, but let's look at the reality.

I'm a dog with a wondrous spiritual gift.

And you're a man who made a 30-foot paperclip chain last week.

Wilfred-- Who has the power now, Ryan?

Cause it's feeling like...

me.

If I'm gonna do this, it's gonna cost you.

Okay, what do you want?

What I want is-- whatever I want.

But that stuff makes you--

Sorry, didn't catch that. Makes me what?

It makes you--