Loch Ness

For hundreds of years,

people have come to our village

trying to solve the mystery of the loch.

Dr. Abernathy was one of them,

until the night he had a terrible accident.

We didn't know it then,

but that night was going to change our lives forever.

Izzie, bedtime!

Was that a good one? Oh, very good one, that.

The one-eye, that's the one.

Yeah!

Nice one there.

Are you all right, Dr. Abernathy?

Dr. Abernathy, are you all right?

Yeah, yeah, I just need some air,

clear my head.

Oh, my God.

It's the first day of the rest of your life!

It's bleeding again.

Right here is good for me.

Uh, yeah, listen,

why don't you tell Eddie down at the shop

I'll catch up with him later, all right? Eddie?

Yeah, Eddie. He's the owner of the place.

We have no Eddie.

All his close friends call him Eddie.

He's my brother.

You're not listening to me.

Hey, Caroline...

Yoo-hoo, Caroline. You will get your money.

I...

You look like hell.

Thank you very much.

Aren't you supposed to be at a class right now?

Probably.

You know, Mercer is going ballistic.

He wants to have a word with you after your next lecture.

You know, the one you're not at.

The dean doesn't want you around the campus.

Neither do I.

However, all is not lost.

I have a research position that's perfect for a man of your reputation.

Loch Ness.

What?

Loch Ness, Scotland.

I sent Dr. Abernathy. He had an accident. Dead.

What's his name is still there.

His research assistant, Adrian somebody.

You want me to go find the Loch Ness monster?

Is that what you're offering me, Bob?

No, John, I want you to go to Loch Ness and not find the monster.

I want you to take this state-of-the-art equipment

and prove that it's the biggest hoax of the century.

What are you doing? You know, you just...

You're stickin' another nail in my coffin.

I can't go there!

It'll look like I'm... Like I'm running after another shadow!

The only reason I'm teaching freshmen in the first place

is because I chased a no-show monster for three years!

You know that!

Come on, I won't have any credibility left at all.

You don't have any credibility.

And now you don't have any career.

Unless I say so.

What's the problem here?

All you have to do is run the sonar up the loch,

bring me definitive evidence that nothing's there,

and then I get my equipment back,

you regain some credibility,

and you get paid, John.

Screw the money. I won't do it.

That's brave talk for a guy that has to hitchhike home tonight.

Mmm-mmm.

You know, John,

I've got letters on my desk from the IRS about you.

Not to mention communications

from the lawyers of your ex-wife.

You know, I may be broke

and I may not have any credibility left,

but I do have some dignity.

That's blackmail, you know that?

So why don't you just

take the whole loch and shove it?

Ah.

Uh, Helen, make that reservation for Scotland

for Dr. John Dempsey, Jonathan Dempsey.

Yeah, in coach, of course.

I don't know. Hold on.

John, window or aisle?

Window.

Window.

Dr. Dempsey?

Hello, I'm Adrian Foote.

Your research assistant?

Oh.

I recognize you from that picture in Time magazine

when you were on the boat in Madagascar

with the lemur on your shoulder. Remember?

You've lost a bit of weight since then, sir,

if you don't mind me saying so. It suits you.

This is an honor for me.

I've read all your books on biodiversity.

Loch Ness.

In 500 AD,

St. Columba saw the beastie approaching a swimmer.

"Turn back, beastie, let the man be!" he's reported to have shouted.

It submerged.

Ever since then, people have been seeing each uisage,

that's the horse of the water.

But you watch out, beastie,

'cause your man is here.

It is. It's very comfortable.

And each room is done out in a different tartan.

I think mine's Hunting Stewart.

Is there another hotel we can go to?

Not that's open now. It's after the season.

Sounds like the ceilidh's in high gear, so...

Wait, wait, wait. What's a "ceilidh"?

Well, it's a gathering in honor of all the cryptozoologists.

You're telling me there are Nessie hunters in there?

Aye, I thought you knew.

They're all very excited at a chance to meet you.

Didn't Dr. Mercer tell you?

Oh... Oh, that's perfect.

Good.

The Danes are here, too. They're building a giant cage.

They plan to lure Nessie in with six tons of breadcrumbs.

Dr. Muller? Dr. Muller.

Adrian.

Dempsey. The John Dempsey, as in Dr. Sasquatch.

I think they were wrong about you.

He also discovered and classified an unknown species of wasp in South America.

That's all right.

Won the Tyler Award for that when he was 26 years old.

Extraordinary. He's won the NSA Award twice.

That was a long time ago. Forget about it. Everyone else has.

I read the article about you in Scientific American.

I think they were wrong, because...

Dr. Dempsey, such an honor.

Your pursuit of the yeti was seminal.

Mmm.

Tell me, what is your method of tracking?

My method of tracking? Well...

See, what I like to do is locate what I'm after,

then I kind of bend down here like this,

and then I give it the old zigzag here...

There is nowhere you can go.

I'm gonna get my rig, do my job

and get the hell out of Dodge.

But at least let me drive... Hey, Adrian,

chill out, all right? Have some shortbread or something. Here.

Damn midget's car.

Your car is in the drive.

Shoot.

Oh, no.

You realize you're blocking the driveway?

I do now.

Well, what do you intend to do about it?

What do you want me to do about it?

Move it, obviously.

Did I hear the word "please" in there?

I guess not.

Thanks for your help.

This is a very important scientific project.

We've a schedule.

If we find something living down there,

it's gonna be very good for your business!

Aye, and what if they don't?

This is Dr. Dempsey.

Is that a fact?

So, Doctor...

You want to find the monster, do you?

Yeah... Yeah, that's correct.

But I don't have much time, you know.

I gotta get up to Greenland before winter hits, find Santa Claus.

Excuse me.

So how much for the boat?

Well, I cannot have her defaced, you see,

with all this, uh, equipment I see here.

That'll make a difference again, so...

I'll be wantin' £20,000.

Then I'll buy it back in a week,

less damages and 500 a day.

£20,000? You said 10.

Oh, aye. That was for the Conquest there.

Well, I only got a week and I do need a rig.

Plus I love what you've done with the colors. Check okay?

Wait, wait, wait.

You can't pay him all that money.

Well, I'm not going to, am I?

Mercer is. Didn't he tell you, "Spare no expense"?

Take care of that, will you?

Ah! Did you come to stay with us, Dr. Dempsey?

I don't know. Who are you?

Isabel Mary McFetridge.

My mother's Laura and my dog's Bruce.

He rolled in some fish and went home.

You'll be in Room D. Bye for now.

Oh!

Room D.