The Cockleshell Heroes

- Hello, Hugh. - Well, of all things. How are you?

- They've roped you in again, have they? - Yes, they certainly have.

Up, down! Up, down! Up, down!

Come on, men, get your backs into it!

- Up to your standard? - They're pretty fair. Are they mine?

Uh, no. Tell me, this, uh...

- This Major Stringer... - Forget what else you've heard.

I haven't heard anything. I'm open-minded.

You'll need to stay that way.

This officer claims he's a major of marines.

He was arrested by the patrol boat for canoeing in a restricted area.

I'm Major Stringer, under orders to report here for duty.

A Captain Thompson has been appointed as my administrative officer.

No doubt he could set your mind at rest about me.

Yes... sir.

That's correct, sir.

Oh, I see, sir.

Very well, sir. I'll send the corporal of the guard over with Major Stringer.

Sorry, sir.

Sorry, sir. Would you come this way, please, sir.

Parade... turn!

Close order... turn!

- Who are you? - Hello, I'm Stringer.

- You must be Thompson. - How do you do, sir?

I'm afraid my arrival's rather informal. I was stopped by the patrol boat.

An orderly will take your kit to your quarters.

Oh, no, this is stuff I shall actually want here.

- I see. - Uh, which is my desk?

In here.

I shouldn't have come by kayak, but there I was, up the river,

what with the floodtide setting up and the wind just a bit south of west,

it seemed the obvious thing to do.

Look, would you like to smoke or something? I'm afraid I...

No, thank you.

How long have you been in the service?

I joined in February, 1918.

Well, good heavens, you're only... I mean to say...

I've been a captain for 11 years.

Well, I hope this isn't going to be too embarrassing for both of us.

You see, I'm only playing at being a marine.

Actually, I joined up in a fit of boyish enthusiasm.

They've been rash enough to make me a major, put me in charge of this unit.

Jolly good.

What I'm trying to say is,

is it going to be difficult for you to get used to taking orders from me?

No. I'm quite used to the normal service chain of command.

Good.

Now, how much do you know about all this?

I don't know anything, sir.

Well, in that case, this is all most secret, of course.

It seems German ships are running in and out of Bordeaux,

getting past our blockade and bringing vital raw materials to the German war machine.

No one else seems to be able to do anything about it at the moment,

so our job is to get all the way up there,

try to blow up those ships in the docks.

- How do you propose to get there? - By canoes.

We'll be travelling at night and hiding in the day.

We'll be dropped out here somewhere outside the minefield,

75 miles to the target, should be able to make it in three or four nights of paddling.

Interesting.

I sent in this scheme some time ago and it was thrown out.

Now it's boiled up all over again and here we are.

It's rather a long way to paddle, isn't it?

Yes.

I've never really thought of a canoe as being particularly invisible.

Neither have I. I'm only hoping the Germans won't notice us.

The only time a German looks down is to see if his boots are properly polished.

You're not exactly bubbling over with enthusiasm for this party, are you?

I'm not qualified to comment on the technical possibilities of your plan.

Well, what's the next step?

Forty-three men are due in the morning for training.

- What sort of men? - Volunteers for hazardous service.

- Should be good chaps. - Probably dead-beats.

Good men are never encouraged to volunteer.

Right, fall in three ranks facing me!

Party... attention!

My name's Sergeant Craig.

I've had the misfortune to be put in charge of you lot.

I've got a suspicious nature. I suspect all volunteers.

A little weakness of mine. Right, party... stand at ease!

Answer out when your name's called.

- Corporal Stevens? - Sergeant.

- Marine Bradley? - Here, sergeant.

- Marine Wilby? - Here, sergeant.

- Marine Clarke? - Here, sergeant.

Don't I know you?

I believe we have had the pleasure, yes, sergeant.

- 2nd Battalion. - Yes, sergeant.

- I remember you. - I remember you too, sergeant.

- I'm a sergeant now. - That makes a big difference.

- It certainly does, sergeant. - What's wrong with your cap badge?

Uh... the wind blew me beret off and it went under a bicycle.

Yes?

You're coming back to me like a song, you are.

You stand fast when the rest dismiss. We'll have a little talk.

Yes, sergeant. Big head.

- Marine Newville? - Here, sergeant.

- Marine Steadman? - Here, sergeant.

- Marine Vanner? - Sergeant.

- Marine Hodgson? - Sergeant.

- Marine Todd? - Here, sergeant.

Parade, attention!

- Carry on. - Very good, sir. Stand at ease!

- Good morning. - Morning, sir.

I see the men have arrived. I'm checking their conduct sheets.

Sergeant Craig will give them an hour's drill.

Between us, we should be able to separate the sheep from the goats.

I think I shall want to interview the men myself first.

I've an idea of the sort of chaps I'm looking for. Let's have them in one at a time, shall we?

Very good, sir.

Marine Bellamy!

Stand easy. Why did you volunteer for hazardous service?

- I wanted to see some action, sir. - Didn't you get that in 40 Commando?

It's just that I like a change of scenery, sir.

- Were you on the Dieppe raid? - Missed that, sir. They kept me back.

I was an instructor at the time. Just my luck.

- I always wanted to have a crack, sir. - Right. Thank you.

Left turn!

Quick march! Wait outside.

Marine Lomas.

Why did you volunteer for hazardous service?

Kids, sir. I need the extra money.

- I wasn't getting enough exercise. - My mother was killed in an air raid.

I didn't know what I was signing, sir.

With me coming from a long line of natural-born fighting men,

I said to meself, "Cooney, me fella..."

It's funny you should ask me that, sir.

Well, uh... I'm not quite sure of the meaning of "volunteer," sir.

Here, George, you know what he said to me?

He said, "I'm curious to know why you volunteered."

He's curious? I'm curious! Why did I volunteer?

- What did you say? - I said, "I believe the good die young.

And I don't want to disappoint anybody."

If you'll just tell me which men you've selected,

I'll start licking them into shape for you.

Aside from the obvious rejects, I haven't quite made up my mind.

I'm looking for a special sort of man.

An individualist. One who can think for himself.

A man who'll do the job for its own sake, rather than because a sergeant shouts at him.

While we're on the subject, I'm not sure I want you licking them into shape.

Force them into a mould and you'll destroy the qualities I'm looking for.

I'll just dream up a little test for these men. See what they're made of.

Gentlemen, as you can see, our ranks have thinned somewhat.

Before I make my final selection, however,

I want to put you all to a practical test. And it'll be a difficult one.

Tonight we'll be dropped by parachute here, 380 miles away.

Our task will be to get back to these barracks within 48 hours.

We'll be dressed as German soldiers. You'll have no money or identification.

The Home Guard haven't been informed, so watch out for yourselves.

He's barmy.

Don't break the law unless you have to. And if you have to, don't get caught.

Any questions? Right. See you in the aircraft.

Party, attention!

Fall in outside.

- I think we've got a good lot of boys. - Some may be good material.

Even so, it's not customary to call them gentlemen.

Do you mean to imply that only an officer can be a gentleman?

I mean that in the service, one does not address the rank and file as gentlemen.

I stand corrected.

Eight hundred feet this time, skipper. Twenty men in one stick.

We're nearly there. Get ready for action.

- Stringer thinks we're an aerial circus. - You're right there. He's nuts.

Stand up and hook up!

- Ted, two days' pay I beat you in. - I'm not a betting man.

- I'll take you on. - Bless you, Paddy, darling.

- Nine okay. - Eight okay.

- Seven okay. - Six okay.

- Five okay. - Four okay...

- One okay. Stick okay. - Action stations.

Action stations.

Red on, stand in the door!

- Sure you don't wanna come along? - Green on, go!

Change my next of kin from Clarke to Churchill.

What's German for "Me parachute didn't open"?

Go!

Trust the RAF to drop you in it.

Todd! Perry!

Todd! Perry!

Here, what are you laughing at? Cut me down!

- What are you doing up there? - What's it look like? Birdwatching?

- Go on, do us a favour. - I've got a train to catch.

Good luck to you! Wait till I get back to barracks!

- Going far? - Sorry, I don't speak English.

Pity. Neither do I.

- Will you give us a lift, mate? - Sure, hop in.

I've hitchhiked all the way from your fine city of Liverpool,

and hope and pray that I'll soon be proudly wearing the king's uniform.

What's that uniform you're wearing just now?

Irish Salvation Army.

Of course. I should've known. Very smart. Very smart.

- Lovely morning. - Morning.

Who is it?

Surprise!

- You beast! - But, Myrtle, I...

Get out of here, you lousy bum!

You're not a gentleman, don't think you can come walking in here any time

and think you can take up just where you left off.

I've learnt a thing or two since you was last here.

I don't want to see your dirty face around my door again as long as I live.

I don't have to go with you perishing marines. I'm a respectable girl.