Deadly Night Out

- So, here's the thing about ladies' nights.

They were never actually meant for the ladies to begin with.

Yet, here we are, participating in one of our nation's

longest-running marketing gimmicks that is basically

a sad Batman call for fellas to come prey on women

who wouldn't give them the time of day,

if it wasn't for an endless stream of pretty cocktails,

filled with crappy vodka, designed to make Mr. Yuck

look like Mr. Yum all the quicker.

And that's my sign to call an Uber. Be smart, ladies.

Oh, this is adorable.

Yuck.

Yeah, I bet you are.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, my god.

What the hell are you doing in my house?

I love my job. I love my job.

I love my job.

You...

You are not going to cry tonight. Hear me?

No tears.

You are going to be strong.

You are going to be jolly and you are going to be happy.

Santa's happy little helper.

Happy, happy, happy.

Happy.

Are you crying again?

Um, no, no.

I am totally fine.

- Well, there's no crying in Santa's village.

Yeah. No, they're happy tears.

Yeah?

Well, your happy tears look like somebody

ran over your childhood pet.

- I'm sorry, it's just this time of year always-

- Reminds you of your mom. I know.

We all know. Dolorous from Toledo knows.

Jesus, look, I'm sorry, okay?

But I just don't think this is gonna work out.

What? No, um, why?

- Because emo-elf was not on the job description.

Jolly, yes. Emo, no.

No, no. Yeah, I can be jolly.

Please. Just let me show you how jolly I can be.

I can...

- I think you need to go home immediately.

- I don't think that would be very good.

Good for my health.

- You don't think it's good for your health?

- Mm-mm, because I'm like living out of my car right now

because my apartment's being fumigated.

- Don't you have any friends that you could stay with?

- They all went home for the holidays.

- Hey, well, there's an idea! Why don't you go do that?

Take a stroll down nostalgia avenue.

That sounds nice, doesn't it?

- Honestly, I'd rather be dumped into a pool of sharks

with a bucket of chum.

Really?

You gotta be kidding me.

I know. I know, I will get it to you by the first.

I just need two more weeks and...

No, no, no, no, no, no. Please don't hang up, please.

Merry Christmas to you, too.

And here we are.

Okay.

Okay, okay, okay, okay. You got this.

- Justice for Briana! - Here we go.

Justice for Briana!

God, that poor girl.

- Free Briana! Free Briana!

Justice for Briana! Free Briana!

Justice for Briana.

- Oh, I have a feeling this is a really bad idea.

Dad?

Hello?

Hello?

Excuse me?

Oh!

Hi!

Um, hi.

You're here, in the flesh!

I feel like I should hug you. Come here!

I just, I'm doing it. Is that okay?

- Um- - Sorry.

I'm sorry. Um, who are you?

I'm Darcy.

Darcy MacDonald.

I'm a friend of your dad's.

Willa?

My god, what are you doing?

Are you engaged?

- Uh, I was gonna tell you after.

- After what? After you sold the house?

After the holidays.

- You didn't think that was something

I might want to be part of?

Oh, that is so sweet.

But it was nothing, really. I mean, it was something.

It was, it was magical and it was special, but-

- I think she's talking about the house, sweetheart.

- How long has it been on the market?

Just a couple of weeks.

Look, I promise I had every intention

of asking you to come home to help.

It's just, I know how you feel being here

during the holidays.

I felt it was just best to do it after the new year.

Well, I'm here now.

Yes, you are.

- And just in time for the holidays.

- Really is a beautiful ring. Congratulations.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Help me! Someone!

Anyone! Help me!

Someone call 911!

Get out of my house! Stop!

I need somebody!

Anyone, help me! Can anyone hear me screaming?

Go away!

Please!

Get out of my house!

Hello?

- Help! - Is everything okay?

Help me!

Somebody help me!

Call 911! - I'm calling 911!

Get out of my house!

Help me! Someone help me!

Willa?

- 911. What's your emergency?

- Willa! Oh, my god! - Hello?

What's your emergency? - Never mind.

Sorry.

You know, next time you're auditioning for a horror film,

you might want to alert the neighbors.

- Oh, they're used to the screaming. Trust me.

Ha-ha.

Is red okay?

- Oh, yeah, yeah. - Perfect.

- So, how long are you in town for this time?

- Just till after Christmas. Thank you.

- So, is living in the city just like the greatest ever?

- The constant distractions are nice.

Yeah. It explains why you haven't been home in years.

Yeah, or called.

I'm sorry.

- No, don't apologize for doing you, boo.

We're just happy you're here now.

Me, too.

To old friends.

Ding! - Oh.

- I didn't know you were still acting.

Yeah. On and off.

I'll send an audition tape in, here and there,

if I get bored enough.

She gets bored a lot.

Bitch.

So what's new?

- Yeah, you aren't on any of the socials. Fill us in!

Work life? Sex life?

More like no life.

- Oh, you know what? That explains the complexion.

- Tia! - What?

Girlfriends are supposed to be honest with each other.

Ignore her.

She just started a boutique a few months ago

and she's been insufferable ever since.

- Oh, thank you. That was really sweet.

Yeah, we're strictly e-commerce right now,

and the plan is to specialize in variety of treatments,

like tanning, hair, makeup-

Here comes to pitch.

- And I actually just came out with my all-natural

beauty line last month.

And there it is.

Wow.

Well, congrats.

Thank you! Thank you.

It's been like a whirlwind, but like a really good one.

- Yeah. You should stop by while you're here.

Yeah. Yeah, maybe.

Oh, yes. Yes.

It would be like a spa day. Prom all over again.

Except for, we don't have to sneak in the alcohol this time.

- Speaking of alcohol, we should go out tonight.

Yes.

- Yes, my husband is gone until tomorrow.

We can pregame here.

- You know, I was actually thinking about just hanging low.

- Sorry. Did I say attendance was optional?

- I don't, I don't think she did.

- No, I don't think I did, either.

Okay, fine. My god.

Yay!

But I'm not wearing heels.

- I can't do this. - We're having fun!