Slapped The Movie (Slapped! The Movie)

Sha-ha, dah.

Broosk-da-da-da-boom.

Shadeet-hamah.

Brooks-dask-dask-da-boom.

Milo-tamale-shakinee.

You are a winner.

You soar with the eagles.

No.

The eagles soar with you.

Shit.

I'm gonna be late for work again.

I know I shouldn't have stayed over on a work night.

Did you hear me, babe?

I'm gonna be late for work again.

Bye jellybear.

You are destined for greatness.

You are a caterpillar waiting to transform

into a magnificent butterfly.

He's so cute when he's sleeping.

I'm gonna go start the coffee. Okay.

Your life has meaning.

You are a king among ordinary men.

A king with a huge penis.

A glorious penis.

A penis that should be praised and worshiped.

Suagar-booger.

My little astronaut.

It's time to get up sleepy head.

You can achieve anything you set you mind to.

Other men cower in your greatness.

Come on, Matty, breakfast is almost ready.

If you were an animal,

you would be a dinosaur.

Matt, Honey, it's time to wake up.

Whoa!

Thanks, Shaniqua.

I'm not even hungry.

Every fucking morning.

Come on.

Oh, shit, holy chode balls.

So sorry, Alexander, he's gonna be a few more minutes.

It's all right, Miss Gaye.

There he is.

Give your mom a kiss goodbye.

Have a good day.

Have a great day, sugar-booger.

It's Matt to you, Shaniqua.

You wanna just let me borrow your car

so you can stay here and bang my mom?

Do you know if your mom is working tonight, sugar booger?

Fuck off.

I was watching Terminator the other night, right.

And not that new garbage.

I'm talking about that classic shit.

It got me thinking.

What if I time travel back in time as my 28-year-old self,

and I found my 10-year-old self

and I fucking jerked him off.

Would that be molestation or masturbation?

I don't got time for your nonsense.

I'm too busy being employee of the month.

Hey you two. Quit giving each other FJs

and get back to work.

Idiots.

Bro, bro, it's Jenna

Here's your chance, man, go talk to her.

I can't just go talk to her.

This is a workplace.

Who cares?

I'm so tired of listening to you cry about

not having a girl to cuddle with.

Who cares?

Uh, how about title seven of the Civil Rights Act.

Uh, how do you know that?

Are you fucking kidding me?

It's in the break room.

And you know what happens to people

accused of sexual harassment?

What, they hold a parade for them?

Termination.

Dude, they're not gonna fire you for talking to her.

Just go over there before she leaves.

Stop being a little bitch.

I'll buy you a beer after work.

Make it two?

Fine, just go.

Dick.

Nice files you got there.

Do you work here?

Seriously?

I've worked here longer than you.

Oh, so you're in like shipping and receiving?

What?

No, I work right here in this office.

I was sitting at my desk when you walked in.

You didn't see me? Really?

Yeah, I didn't see you.

You didn't see me?

I was like two inches away from you.

And how do you not know I work here?

I see you every single day.

Wait, so you've been watching me?

Like some kind of perverted stalker.

You know that's sexual harassment?

Sexual harassment?

For seeing you come in?

Maybe you should take yourself on down to the break room

and get a refresher course

because that's not sexual harassment.

Hmm.

What's up, Jenna?

Oh, hey, Matt. Seriously?

We actually have to go, I'm sorry.

Alex is having a family emergency.

How the hell does Jenna know who you are and not me?

I don't know.

Maybe because I'm not a perverted stalker.

Well if it isn't the two biggest vaginas in the office.

I knew I'd find you two in here circle jerking each other.

So we have vaginas,

or we're jerking each other's dicks off?

I'm confused.

Both.

You fucking gender ninjas.

You know what, fuck you, I got shit to do.

What the hell, man?

You gonna do something about it, pussy?

That's what I thought.

Oh, you got to be fist fucking me, man.

What now?

Oh nothing, I'm just having PTSD flashbacks, you know,

remembering that time you were

talking to Jenna at the office.

Made yourself look like a dumb idiot.

Remember that? Fuck off.

I don't understand how you're so horrible

at talking to women.

It's like watching one of those shitty Novelas.

All Novelas are shitty,

and you wouldn't have done any better.

Fucking right I would have.

Compared to you I'm like Zac Efron's cock.

Yeah, whatever.

If you're so smooth, let's see you do better.

Challenge accepted ese.

Can I get you guys a refill?

Actually, I was wondering if you might possibly know

the difference between me and my couch?

One's more fun to sit on than the other.

Sort of.

The real difference between me and my couch

is my couch pulls out.

So can I get you guys another drink?

Six shots of vodka de nada.

Nice.

A dirty joke and a drink order.

You're a real lady's man.

I'm sorry I doubted you.

Your moms would be so proud.

Just wait for it, wait for it.

Ah, snap.

Told you.

You probably know her.

Ah, come on, I wasn't even ready dude.

I don't care.

Six more shots.

Gross, I think you got some on me.

You know, I can't even wrap my brain around

the fact that you are so horrible at talking to chicks.

Look at you, you're like an Abercrombie model over here.

You should be banging bitches every single day

and every single night and afternoon.

Well it's not easy for me to talk to women

like it is for you.

I'm not surrounded by a hot girlfriend

and hot stripper moms 24/7

who wipe the tip of my penis every time I take a piss.

Fuck you dude.

I told you a million times, my mom is not a stripper,

she's an exotic dancer and a saint.

And I don't even want to hear this shit, man.

Look at you.

I would give both nuts and the sack to have your life.

You can run a billion miles,

you get to wear all this stylish clothes, and most of all,

you're not smothered like I am.

Well, I'd do the same to have your life.

You have a girlfriend and a mom, two moms,

that love you, you're never lonely

and you get to eat whatever you want.

That there is a bum with his hand on his hobo balls.

Day-bu gah-boos-uhn day-boos-uhn-go.

Bay-tah.

Queta-su-noba day-boos-uhn-dah.

God damn it.

What the fuck?

Dude I'm gonna get AIDS!

Whoa.

Somebody's up early this morning.

I slept here last night?