A Walk in the Woods

Okay, stand by, everyone.

Five, four, three, two...

At 52 minutes past the hour on this Thursday morning, welcome back.

Joining me now is author Bill Bryson.

So, travel writing.

I'm sorry, is that a question?

Noël Coward once said, "Why do the wrong people travel,

"and the right people stay at home?"

Now, tell us about this Collector's Edition Box Set.

"An elegant reissue of old favorites."

Riveting stuff.

Now, in your books, you've written about Europe, Australia, the British Isles.

You actually lived there briefly.

Briefly. 10 years.

Mmm, but never America.

You've never written about your home country.

- No, that's not exactly right... - Why? Why nothing more personal?

I see. So you've moved back, or is that just temporary?

No. Yes. My family, we moved back. To New Hampshire.

Twenty years ago. And... And we're still here.

"Still"? Interesting choice of words.

Uh, what else are you working on? Are you writing something new?

No.

Not thinking of retiring on us, are you?

No, writers don't retire.

We either drink ourselves to death or blow our brains out.

And which will it be for you?

After this interview, maybe both.

- Bill Bryson, pleasure to have you with us. - Ah. Thank you.

Oh!

- Oh. Hello, stranger. - Hello, yourself.

How'd it go?

- You saw? - Mmm-hmm.

- That good, huh? - Hey, Gramps.

- Hi. - I saw, too.

- Oh, yeah? How'd I look? - Do you want my honest answer?

Never mind.

- Gramps, I made it to level six. - Level six? Way to go.

Did you get my message about Earl McGregor?

Services are on Saturday morning.

Can't we just send flowers?

We could.

You two, hands washed, dinner's nearly ready. Let's go.

Makes you think about slowing down, doesn't it?

I'm so, so sorry. My condolences.

Deborah, we're so sorry.

Thank you so much for being here. It really means a lot to me.

It's our pleasure.

- Uh, I mean, not our... - Pardon me.

Uh, I mean, it's, uh, not a pleasant time,

- and it's not a time... - No, we're just very sorry.

- We're very sorry. - We're very sorry.

- I'll get my jacket. - We just got here.

What? We've already paid our respects. I mean, what else are we supposed to do?

Talk to people. It's good for you.

I don't like talking to people.

Go on.

How are you? How good to see you.

I'm gonna go for a walk.

Okay.

What on earth?

- You want to hike it? - Yes.

Two thousand miles.

2118, actually.

No. You can't.

Why not?

Seriously, Bill. Even for you this is ridiculous.

Why? Because you think I'm too old?

No, it's not because I think you're too old, it's because you are too old.

Oh, God, is this because of the funeral?

- No. - What then?

Listen, I can't explain it.

Have a go.

It's just something I feel I have to do.

I want to explore nature. I want to get back to my roots.

- Roots? - Yeah. You know, push myself.

I mean, really, really hike.

Hike? You haven't hiked in 30 years.

- Exactly. - Can't you just do this in the Volvo?

Catherine.

What if I say you can't go?

Well, if you felt that way then we would discuss it.

You mean I'll yammer on and you'll nod away,

and then you'll go ahead and do whatever you were going to do anyway

without having heard a word I've said.

What?

Am I just supposed to stand here

and accept these obvious signs that you have gone mad?

It's my old pup tent. What do you think?

Well, I think it's the perfect place for you to spend the night.

You realize we all think this is a terrible idea, right?

It's certainly been brought to my attention.

- But you're still going to do it? - Yes.

It's just kinda insane, Dad. The whole thing, at your age?

Fit people in their 20's can't do it, Dad.

It takes five months and five millions steps.

- Of walking. - Yes.

I've been doing it for a while, you know.

Dad, hiking is not walking.

Two thousand people a year try to do this. Less than 10% make it.

You ought to see the statistics on how many people finish writing a book.

There's somebody I want you to meet. All right?

Hey, Dave.

How's it going?

This is Dave.

- Dave. - Hello.

He has hiked everywhere.

He can answer any question you have about anything.

Okay. Can he tell me why the caged bird sings?

Can you give us just a second? And can I?

Can we keep a lid on the jokes, please?

Pay attention while he's talking,

and don't say, "You've got to be shitting me"

when he tells you the price of something.

Sam, you act like I've never camped before.

A tent is a tent.

This also has a 70 denier, high-density, abrasion-resistant fly

with that same rip stop weave.

And just look at these seams.

All lap-felled. No bias taping on the whole tent.

And the poles. Color-coded, DAC aluminum.

It's the finest craftsmanship.

Yeah, I've carried this one on several sections of the trail myself.

For your purposes, cannot go wrong with this monster.

All right, how much is it?

This one here is 289.

You've got to be shitting... Oh, okay.

I see what you're thinking, but out on the trail, you're gonna thank me.

Are you coming?

You'll need a rain cover too, of course.

- A rain cover? Why? - To keep out the rain.

- The backpacks aren't waterproof? - Not 100%.

The rain cover weighs four point six ounces.

You know how much weight it would add to fully waterproof an 85-liter pack?

Well, I'll tell you. It's a lot.

Let's not forget...

Oh, let me guess, in case you want to do a little impromptu gardening?

No. You know the saying, "Take only memories, leave only footprints."

Poop.

- Oh, shit. - Exactly.

Thought you'd find these interesting.

A Virginia man's remains left undiscovered for 18 days

after he suffers a catastrophic medical condition

just one week into his solo trek.

Most commonly spread through infected rodent saliva, urine, and feces,

which become airborne particles...

Several law enforcement personnel have expressed concern

about the gruesome nature of these latest murders,

including dismemberment and ritualistic savagery.

You are not doing this alone.

This is Bryson.

How would you like to join me for a little stroll?

It's a chance to grab some fresh air, while there's still some left.

You know, studies show Americans need to walk more.

Our forefathers, they walked everywhere.

It'll give you something to do for the next six months.

Let me know if you're interested.

Rabies, crazed skunks, raccoons, and squirrels,

merciless fire ants, and ravening blackfly.

Poison ivy, poison sumac, poison oak,

poison salamanders, even a scattering of moose?

Bryson, four words: Not in this lifetime.

I wish I could, Bill, but I just switched to a new beta blocker.

I barely have enough energy to get dressed in the...

Next time, call me for something fun.

Like a colonoscopy.

Bill, I think you've been the victim of identity theft.

I got the most ridiculous message from someone claiming...

Bill, you know you can see the whole trail online in less than four minutes?

You know, you can't count Dan Budge. Dying is not the same as saying no.

Did we know about that? About Dan's death?

Yeah, I think it was in Janice's Christmas card.

Well, that explains why she was so miffed about my invitation.

It's in the...

Hello?

Hello?

Hey, it's me.

I'm sorry?

Bryson, it's Katz.

- It's Katz? - Yeah.

- Stephen? - Yeah.

Whoa.

You're in the States?

Yeah, yeah. Where are you?

I'm in Des Moines. Where the hell else would I be?

Well, it's good to hear your voice.

Yeah. Hey, Doug told me about this Appalachian Trail deal of yours.

Are you serious about that?

Yes, I'm very serious.

You think maybe I could come with you?

You wanna come with me?

Yeah, if it's a problem, I understand.

- No, no, no, no. - I mean, I understand if you don't want me.

No, why... Why wouldn't I want you?

Because, you know, I still owe you 600 bucks from Europe.

Well, that was forty years ago, Stephen.

Yeah, but I still intend to pay you.

Well, I know you're good for it.

Ah, great, great.

So, what kind of shape you in?