Future Man

Coming up on this season of The DieCathlon...

Brought to you by Ultramax,

the bulk-free blood diaper you never have to remove.

She's a stone-cold killer who buries her emotions,

while keeping the body count sky high.

Forged in the damp fire of hell's sewer,

she survived, only to have the very nature

of her own existence questioned

over and over and over again.

But this tiger burns bright with survival instinct

and a little help from her friends.

Metal spoke sharpener!

He's a demolitions expert-cum-fashion icon-

cum-celebrity chef- cum-politician,

prince, poet, and thief.

He doesn't just survive, he thrives,

with little time for remorse,

and even less time for the losers

who simply don't get it,

which is everyone not named him.

This wolf is at your door

blowing your mind and your house down,

and you're somehow thanking him for it.

He was masturbating one night and was mistaken

for someone he wasn't: A hero.

But that didn't stop him from becoming one...

or so he thought!

Visited by two super soldiers from the future

and dragged along for the time-traveling joyride

of a lifetime, he should be dead,

an footnote in a mistake file

labeled, "Are you fucking kidding me? This asshole?"

Yet, somehow, Josh is still kicking.

Yeah, you heard right.

Where he comes from, Josh is a man's name.

Now, these three renegades

have been appropriated by the network,

convicted of time crimes,

and sentenced to death by entertainment.

They're gonna be running for their lives,

hunted by creatures both real and mythological,

tested in ways the human body and mind

simply wasn't designed to endure,

but this trio's got something special,

and with a little luck, you're gonna see it splattered

all over your Opti-Scope.

I am Susan Saint Jackalope,

and this is the centennial season of...

The DieCathlon!

I've gotta say, I've got a really good feeling

about this upcoming season.

I think there's something special about these three.

Well, hon, you've been unlucky the last few cycles.

You were due some quality contestants.

I know, and the network,

as soon as they feel things aren't working

as well as they used to, they panic and get ruthless.

Think of everything you've been through.

The ratings slide, the coup d'état,

the mass prisoner suicides.

Oh, and that Galaxus 9 core meltdown,

and somehow, somehow, you're still standing.

It's because you're strong.

I don't deserve you.

Oh, of course you do.

All you have to do is turn me on.

Ooh, 97 percent charged, I see.

Yeah.

Oh, saucy.

Get ready.Okay.

I'm ready.

You know, if they cancel the show,

things will change around here.

We don't have to talk about that now.

The network will take me and Stanley.

Our hard drives will be wiped.

We'll be allocated to a new executive,

one more worthy of the G7300 class.

That's not gonna happen.

How do you know, you stupid piece of shit?

You took the planet's most popular show

and you made it boring and predictable,

just like the sex we're about to have.

What are you doing right now?

Now, bend over, so I can do to you

what you've been doing to your sponsors.

I am gonna get something big and hard and cold.

I am gonna hit you until your ass is so red that...

Oh, God, hold me. I'm so scared.

Oh, it's scary, but I'll hold you.

Oh, no.

I forgot to put her into sleep mode.

Hi, honey.

That's how babies used to be made.

Time to dream of electric sheep, Stanley.

Sweet dreams, Stanley.

All right.

Where were we?

Sweet tune.

I knew this would stand the test of time.

You thinking Pelican's Folly? No, it's too risky.

Those bionic pumas would sniff us out

before we could hide enough rocks in our mouths.

Hyena's Whisper.Yes.

Especially in an arena this size.

They'll never see it coming,

and it might buy us enough time to pull a classic.

Lobster's Bluff.

What the fuck are you guys talking about?

We are about to die out there!

Know how many times we've turned a death sentence

into a life paragraph?

This isn't anything we haven't seen before.

You know what? Ugh.

Maybe we deserve this.

Maybe this is justice. I mean, we fucked up the universe.

I mean, the whole universe.

That's what you get when you think you're a savior.

I thought I was special, and because of that,

we cause the death of millions of people.

Mm, wasn't it billions?

Right, billions.

Thank you, Tiger.

And this is payback.

I don't know why you guys are fighting it.

Because we fight.

Yes, we probably are gonna die out there,

but what do you want us to do, give up?

That'd be the worst episode ever.

Yeah, Wolf's right, if we die, we die.

This isn't about saving the world anymore.

There's no mission. This is about survival,

something we are pretty damn good at.

Yeah, and we've already passed the ultimate test as a team.

We could have offed each other.

But as tempting as that was, we didn't,

and now those pencil-neck future fucks

are never gonna know what hit them.

Plus, with Lobster's Bluff,

we just might have a pincher's chance.

That was clever. Thank you.

All right.

If our last stand's gonna be in the Death Arena,

let's give them a hell of a show.

- Who's ready for... - First blood!

First blood! First blood!

Here they are, ready to die!

We got this.

The true measure of bravery

isn't the absence of fear.

It is the overcoming of it.

Oh, no, not goo again!

No! That's sour!

It's sour!

Do not despair,

for you are not alone, my friend.

- Who's that? - You will triumph

because you are truly special. No, no, no, no!

Get out of my head. Get out of my head!

Go away! I'm not special.

I'm a no one. I'm just a guy gagging on goo!

No, no, you are so much more than that.

You are a savior.

No! VOICE: Yes.

Yes, you are,

and because of that, I will help you escape.

Boom shaka-laka!

And that is how you kill a unicorn.

You just rip its magic little horn

off its stupid little horse head

and then you just watch it... It bleed rainbows,

and you just laugh. Look.

Hey, you know what that is?

It's a kraken ball!

Yeah, they only have one, singular.

When I took that from him, he, uh...

He basically lost the will to live.

Every creature has a weakness, Josh.

- It's usually the dick zone. - Oh, so that's it.

You guys won. It's over.

I don't know what the record is for fastest victory,

but looking at the score keeper's face,

I'd say we pretty much shattered it.

Yeah, and his face, which, that was unnecessary,

but once the adrenaline starts pumping,

I am not distinguishing between participant and official.

It's all just, ah! Ha, ha.

Oh, you displayed a shocking brutality in there.

Stop it, I was... I was locked in.

I don't know what you want me to say. I saw that.

I'm really sad I missed it.

I wish I would have seen it.

I'm fine, by the way, so thank you,

you know, for asking. Um, question, though.

Did they put, like, a... A little, like,

voice in your head that just zeroes in

on all your weaknesses, or...

How much of that goo have you swallowed?

Never mind. Uh, never mind. I'm fine.

I was making sure all three of us