Clarkson's Farm

- Morning, Jeremy. - Morning. How are we looking?

We're looking like it's a pub.

- It's a pub! - It's a pub.

It's exciting, isn't it?

I've written your menu up. Do you want to see it?

Er, yeah. What have we got?

Chicken liver pâté or pressed ham piccalilli or garlic mushrooms.

Sausages of the day, mash, Hawkstone gravy, onions.

Lancashire hotpot, apple crumble, cheesecake of the day.

Fantastic.

Morning, everybody.

Oh! Smelling good.

- Morning, Jeremy. How are you? - Well. How are you?

After our sprint to the finish line,

the mood on opening morning

was reassuringly calm and upbeat.

Good morning.

Morning, morning. Are we excited?

- Yes, very. - Certainly.

- Is that the bubble and squeak? - Yes, it is.

I fucking love that stuff.

Well done. That's great. That's fantastic.

Morning, everybody.

Bread's arrived this morning, fresh bread, so.

There it is.

Exciting. Eggs have arrived.

Yeah, it's all coming together just in time.

It always is. I mean, this is it.

I could have got in a blind panic and run around going:

"Do this and do that,"

but I've actually learned everybody knows what has to be done,

and everybody's doing a brilliant job, if you think about it.

They are.

After my King Charles' style walkabout,

Kaleb and I set about a job I'd been very much looking forward to.

Where does that go?

Oh, I didn't bother yesterday. It was too complicated.

Christening the pub with its new name.

I've gotta go lower than the sign to start off with

'cause I've gotta slide it between the wood.

So it doesn't fit in the frame.

It fits inside the frame, but it doesn't fit...

- At the bottom. - Yeah.

It's not ideal, is it?

I know. But Rome wasn't built in a day.

- Let's put the other side up. - Okay.

We had one slight problem with this,

which Lisa spotted the other day, is that.

She says it's a bit suggestive.

I mean...

Only Lisa would spot that, but she did.

Yep.

Job's a good 'un.

Well, it's not. Job's kinda half done. But it'll do.

It looks good, actually, doesn't it? The sign looks awesome.

The sign is. We went through "The Farmer's" everything, didn't we?

Yeah.

But there's nothing more loyal than a farmer's dog.

Your dog is the most loyal thing you'll ever know.

- Yours, on the other hand. - Ours aren't fucking loyal!

We then hung up various other things.

- I'm on this side. Are you? - No.

There we go.

And just as we were finishing that,

Charlie arrived and made a rather alarming observation.

- Erm... - What?

What about the prices?

Oh.

What are we charging?

- Have we not done that yet? - Nobody's done it.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

What time is it? We open in forty minutes.

While Charlie hurried off to sort that out,

my stress levels once again shot up

as I started to notice a host of other problems.

Rachel? Where's the carvery unit going?

Well, I still think this is the problem with wanting a room

to be a private dining room and a carvery room.

I know, but it can't stay there.

But the problem is, it's very heavy.

But it's on wheels.

These bar stools don't work.

- They don't swivel. - They don't.

They're ugly and they block the bar completely.

So you can't sit in them unless you're actually facing forward.

I've got carrots on the go there for veg of the day.

I'll need some beans

- going through, chef. - Yeah.

What's all this shit?

- Oh, it's a Dojo. - Yeah.

For the tent?

- For the tent. - Right, so what are they doing here?

Oh, my giddy aunt. What's all this?

No, we're not doing fucking bins there.

What is the matter with everybody?

Music off!

No music on in here ever.

Come to the Cotswolds and we'll put a plastic bin in the view.

Prices. We know what we're charging.

But, er...

Does it include a profit?

There's a margin over the food. So, you know...

Urgh... You know I don't understand money.

It's, it's...

Really?

Well, I'm just here to spend it, Charlie, that's all.

That's all I've done for a month.

Rachel, I've got the prices!

Er, well, erm... Oh, God.

This is what Charlie's just given me.

Oh, all right, okay.

So I'm not making the time up.

Quarter to twelve. Damn.

Here we go.

Meanwhile, in Lisa world...

I'm just doing the little finishing-off bits,

all the nice stuff.

A bit of sewing, a bit of gingham hanging.

I've gotta hang some more paintings.

But, you know, otherwise... Put some more tea towels up there.

Little bits and pieces. But all in control.

Have we only got one bar stool here?

Things keep getting moved and it's not by our staff.

We've got a nest of tables.

What's this shit?

Almost Gin labels.

- Okay, well... - Kevin was walking around with those.

- We've got ten minutes. - Yeah.

Who's... Can we have... I need an army of people.

Where's all the staff?

They're having a quick briefing.

We have to open, we know that,

so they need to know what they're doing quickly.

Where does the vacuum cleaner go?

I'm going to kick him in his fucking bollocks shortly.

Shit.

I can't do this.

Fuck it. No, I haven't got time. Somebody else can do that. Fuck it.

Crack on with those. We do need them ready for service.

Hi, guys.

Here's the bar. Grab a drink.

Hi. How are you?

Hi. Good to see you. For two? Inside or out?

Hi, there, guys. How are you?

Oh, fuck off, no.

What's up?

The gas has just gone off.

Yeah, fans are dead.

That cannot stay in here.

As I've been saying all along.

Er, power cut. Fans are dead. No gas.

- What? - The fans have just died,

causing the gas cutout to, er...

- You hear that? - Yeah.

- Sorry. - Sorry.

It's not like it's a power cut.

Well, the extractor fan-- The gas system is locked into the extractor fan.

So when the extractor fan goes off...

- The gas goes off. - The gas has an auto cutoff.

Chris, we've lost power in here, mate.

Are you all together?

Okay, there you go.

That sounds good. What happened, Chris?

It's gone! It's gone. That fan's gone.

- Gone again? - Yeah.

Oh, dear.

Come with me round here. I'll get you in over here.

- How many are you? - Two and a baby.

Two and a baby? Okay, fantastic.

Er, trunking comes from the top. So...

You know the switch on the right-hand side?

- Yeah. - Does that isolate it?

It must be a fault, then.

Hi. Who's next?

Can you not help?

I don't know anything about it...

It's, um... specialist.

Do you all know there's no food yet?

There's a little problem in the kitchen!

So I don't know how well you can see that?

So that's the isolator switch.

Yeah. Turn one of the fans on.

Okay.

Now go to the key down below, turn it off and turn it back on again.

- Okay. - And you should have gas now.

Yeah, should have gas now. No. There, it's gone. It's just tripped.

Right. Okay.

Unfortunately, I've got no chance of getting there.

Okay. Cheers. Bye.

He knows what he's talking about.

Erm, he's in Hull.

Jesus.

I was then told Annie urgently needed me

at the bar in the tent.

The coolers have gone down and I can't serve half our range.

You can't what?

We can't serve half of the Hawkstone range

because our coolers have gone down.

So I'm limping on one cooler.

- Where's Mark? - I don't know.