Sexual Chronicles of a French Family

Unbelievable. During math class.

She did it, and no one even noticed.

Coralie, she's really something.

I just turned 18, and I haven't made love yet.

It's driving me nuts.

Pierre used to call me Chikie.

Now he calls me Cherry to bug me.

I feel so totally alone.

Every year, after the autumn break,

we take our family photo for Christmas cards.

One more for the album.

Smiling like dummies.

Marie, my adopted sister, but we never mention that.

We also don't mention her boob job.

For her, they were too small.

She worked all summer to pay for the operation.

If she asked my opinion,

I'd tell her I think they're too big.

Swap places.

Pierre, my real brother.

He's always so cool. It irritates me.

Stop it!

My parents are so normal

that it gets depressing.

Smile, please.

Romain!

Come on! Smile!

Spot the person who's never made love, fucked, or screwed.

I got to think about something else.

Congratulations to Michel.

Very nice photo, this year. Well done, Michel.

Well done, Dad.

I don't hear. I don't listen.

Always the same subjects of conversation.

Pierre and Marie's studies, my exams, ecology.

It bores the hell out of me, ecology.

Crisis, soccer, food...

Never, but never, do we ever talk about sex.

That would be interesting, break the routine a bit.

Who saw the soccer game on Sunday?

I saw it at Marcel's.

How can they play so badly?

What are they paid to do?

Play like they're playing pool?

I agree with you.

That reminds me.

Thursday, we start practice again.

I know. I don't have Alzheimer's.

They're talking about basketball practice.

I never made it.

But we sure did start talking about sex.

Enabled visualization of general characteristics

of acid base cellular zones and so forth.

Currently thanks to the use of antibodies and...

Romain, what are you doing?

I don't know what it's about.

He asked me to come in right away.

No, he's not hurt.

He assured me Romain is fine.

I'll call you right after.

Love you, too.

What I have to tell you concerning Romain

is rather serious, rather delicate.

Okay.

During biology class,

Romain was caught in a flagrant act...

of onanism.

Romain was masturbating?

Precisely, precisely.

Furthermore,

he filmed this act with his cell phone...

which the teacher obviously confiscated.

You find this funny?

No! Certainly not!

Romain has been an adult for two months.

And he's exposing himself...

in front of his peers...

girls and boys...

who, for the most part, are still minors.

Sexually, they are legally adults.

They are all over 15, are they not?

I am not addressing the lawyer here, Mrs. Bertrand,

but the mother.

This is not normal behavior.

What do you recommend?

A suspension...

until we discuss this with the disciplinary committee...

on a date which will be stipulated soon.

Until then, try and clear up what's going on in his head.

I also have to inform you

that we have copied his disgusting little film

as evidence.

Okay.

Thank you very much.

We took him to the infirmary.

My secretary will accompany you.

Hey, it's nothing.

It's not the end of the world.

Okay, so now you're smiling.

What's wrong with you, Romain?

You want me to explain?

Please explain.

Right here? Now?

Yes, why not?

The sooner, the better.

I'm waiting.

They're dares. They dared me to do it.

If you don't, you're a real loser.

It was my turn, and I got caught.

What are you talking about, a dare?

It's a game, just for fun.

Okay, so for fun, you all film yourselves

masturbating in class?

Yeah, right.

I waited for biology class.

Behind the benches, it was harder to spot me.

But it didn't work out.

I don't understand.

Coralie thinks it went on too long.

The others come quicker.

I mean the guys.

Spare me the details, will you?

Okay. I think I understand.

Look...

I'll tell you this evening.

As Romain would say, it's not the end of the world.

No, nothing serious.

Love you.

You're telling everyone?

Your father's not everyone.

Did you get the phone back?

It's in my bag.

- Can I have it back? - Yes, you can.

It's not a true dare unless you film it.

And I got to send it to Coralie. She rates them.

Hey, I'm driving.

You can drive and talk.

Well, shit! Not now.

My mother assists in a big law firm.

She deals with a lot of files for big cases

without getting too involved.

To protect herself, she says.

Today's new file:

Romain: Sexual Problem Alert.

Knowing her, she'll never drop the case.

He looked at me as if I was guilty.

I've never felt so humiliated, never.

At one point, I even thought

he was going to show me Romain's film.

It'll all work out. Calm down.

Do you think it's normal?

I'll talk to him. Don't worry.

And Marie and Pierre?

What about their sex lives?

We've never talked to them about it.

Did you talk about that with your parents?

No.

It was a different time.

It's always a different time.

We try to do everything,

so they lack nothing,

but when it comes to sex, we leave them in the dark.

Apart from AIDS, birth control...

When it comes to sexual fulfillment,

we leave them...

all on their own.

Don't panic, Clarinette.

They see the image we give them.

Tell me what image of us caused Romain

to film himself jerking off in biology class?

Think about your father.

How long since your mother died?

Five years?

What's his sex life?

Poor old man.

Relax.

Not now.

No.

I'm really not in the mood.

I just want a little cuddle.

"5/10, and I'm being generous."

"Justify that.

I deserve a bonus for getting caught."

"Good night!"

Four.

"Clear recent history."

"Clear now."

Time to get up, Romain.

I thought I was suspended.

That's no reason to lie in bed.

He had been informed, that's for sure.

He's difficult to decipher.

Pretend nothing happened.

You got in late last night.

No, no. Not too late.

Have a good day.

Marie can be a champion of understatement.

What's up?

You look stressed.

A lot of work to do.