Parks and Recreation

Wait, I forgot. Who the hell is pregnant?

What? I found a pregnancy test at your cabin.

And I checked with all the girls that were there.

It wasn't any of them.

Hello, darling. What a surprise.

Hey. Can we talk? Maybe in private?

You and me?

I believe she's referring to me, son.

Please excuse us.

So, I, uh, am pregnant.

I see. I don't understand how.

We were so careful.

I warned you about this.

Standard birth control methods

aren't usually effective against a Swanson.

I've got about a million thoughts

running around in my head,

but I really just want to know what you're thinking.

Okay, here's what I'm thinking.

I was going to wait until our anniversary,

and take you somewhere romantic, perhaps in a canoe.

Most likely in a canoe.

I actually built a canoe for that purpose.

But given the news,

and given my significant feelings for you,

now seems as good a time as any.

Ron Swanson.

Diane Lewis.

Will you marry me?

Yes. On one condition.

Anything, my love. Ask me for anything in the world,

and I'll give it to you.

Except a destination wedding.

Just the opposite.

We've both been married before.

I don't want anything big or elaborate.

In fact, the smaller, the better.

I assume you can deal with that.

Are you kidding?

As far as I'm concerned,

we could go up to the fourth floor right now.

Well, hello there.

Hey, Leslie. What's with the get-up?

We're coming back from cleaning up the Pawnee River.

There's nothing I love more than

squeegeeing slime off a highway underpass.

Where are you guys going?

The fourth floor. Getting married.

Okee dokee. Well, catch you later.

What? Why?

What the...

Are you dead? You look like you're in rictus.

I just, I'm having so many thoughts and feelings that

I'm paralyzed right now.

Would you ladies like to come?

Can I be the best man?

Why not? Let's go.

Ron is getting married, and I love him, and I care about him,

and this is the greatest day ever,

and I do not have time to talk about this.

Wait!

If you would just slow down a little,

then I could arrange balloons

or a flower cake or a bouncy castle or some...

Ah. Ethel Beavers. We would like a marriage license.

Please and thank you.

What's the date of the wedding?

Today. It's a bit unusual, but we've both...

Don't care.

Leslie Knope, would you please be my matron of honor?

Diane, you have no idea what that means to me.

She gets it. Let's go. Wait.

This is like a waking nightmare of happiness.

Um, I need to get some flowers.

Uh, why don't you hold this colorful bouquet of highlighters?

Rice, I need to find some rice. I need to throw some rice.

Why is there no rice in this municipal government building?

I found a justice guy.

These are the marrying people. This is Carl.

Hello, Carl.

My fiancée and I would like to get married right now, right here.

Haven't I done a quickie wedding for you before?

It's certainly possible, but this one's going to stick.

I need your full names for the license.

Ronald Ulysses Swanson.

Diane Tammy Lewis.

Tammy? Your middle name is...

Just kidding. It's Elizabeth.

Let's go, Carl.

Hey, hey. Let's pump the brakes, Carl, okay?

Belay that order, Carl.

Shortest possible ceremony.

I'm tired of not being married to this woman.

Do you, Ron Swanson...

Ooh, it's gonna start!

...take Diane to be your wife? Ooh, it's happening.

I certainly do. Oh, my God.

And do you, Diane... Yes, I do.

She said yes. Okay.

Wait! By the power vested in me...

Before you, Carl, just one second.

I would just like to give a short speech. If I may.

You have 10 seconds.

At first glance, it may seem as though

Ron Swanson and I have nothing in common.

But Webster's Dictionary defines "friend"...

Time.

Thank you, Leslie.

I could tell where you were going with that,

and it was going to be beautiful.

I now pronounce you man and wife. Oh.

Hurray!

Yay!

Great job, everyone.

The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.

Pretend this is rice.

That was beautiful.

The people who want to boot me from office

have been viciously attacking me for weeks.

Recall Knope!

Legalize weed!

Last week, I was an answer in the Pawnee Journal's crossword puzzle.

The clue? "Who's the worst?" But you know what?

We're fighting back.

I've broken my defense initiative into 40 phases.

We are currently in Phase 26. "No Problem Too Small."

Anyone can come to me anytime with any problem,

no matter how petty or small,

and I will fix it personally.

And let me tell you,

some of these complaints are pretty damn petty and small.

Okay, Gretel.

How can I help you today?

There are slugs everywhere

on the sidewalk in front of my house.

I want them gone. But not killed. I love animals.

But get rid of them. They're gross.

But make sure they're happy.

But not too happy.

Well, we're on it. Because no problem too small.

So, what, now?

Well, I have about 30 more people

who want to come into my office,

and complain to my face.

Leslie Knope. Ann Perkins. Oh.

How's the recall fight going?

This person-to-person campaigning is kind of wearing me down.

Well, as a wise woman once said to me,

"Ann, you cunning, pliable, chestnut-haired sunfish,"

"phase 26 is the key to my plan."

Good memory, sunfish. Let's press on.

I have to come up with some solution for this slug problem.

Someone has a slug infestation?

Boy, oh boy, we live interesting lives,

filled with unexpected challenges.

Life is precious and every day is a miracle.

Okay.

What a freak.

Things with me and Chris are going really well.

We spend every day together, and we're having so much fun.

And check this out.

Oh, no, there's no ring. We just had manicures together recently.

Sorry, that was misleading.

Ah. Mr. Haverford. Back again, I see?

What the hell, man? This looks exactly like my store.

I know. My client is a very determined businessman.

When he rips someone off, he goes all the way.

You see, you are Hydrox, Mr. Haverford.

We are Oreo.

Your mysterious unnamed client seems like a pretty intense guy.

I am impressed by how quickly he was able

to move such a large amount of merchandise. Mmm.

Must be one heck of a transporter.

My client is not Jason Statham.

If that's what you're thinking.

Some mysterious big shot investor has opened up a store

directly across the street from Rent A Swag,

to try to put me out of business.

I'm not worried, though. I've poured my heart and soul into my store.

I'm sure this guy is just looking for a place

to store all his NBA Championship trophies.

It's not LeBron James.

Damn.

I hate to say this, gang, but I don't think

"No Problem Too Small" is working.

I mean, there's been no press coverage, no change in my poll numbers.

I agree. We need something massive and attention-getting.

Something that will grab people by their ears,

yell at them through a bullhorn,

and hit them like a bolt of lightning.

I've got it. What is it?

Oh, no, I just. I got a fly.

I have something. Remember Phase 13?

"Think Outside of the Box"?

Of course. It was an amazing phase.

Easily a top-five phase.

Well, I thought outside of the box

and I nominated you for this big award.

It's called the International Coalition of Women in Government.

And you won.