The Maiden Heist

I sincerely apologize for disturbing your afternoon.

If you relax and stay calm, you will all leave here alive.

We have come only for the girl.

Drop your weapons, Roger Barlow.

Today,

she will be mine.

I'm talking to a dead man. You know that, don't you?

If I cannot have her...

No!

Okay, we're gonna see some old paintings now

that I think you all will really like.

The Lonely Maiden

The Lonely Maiden was painted by Marcel de Robert in 1873.

The girl in the painting is the artist's own daughter.

Now, marked by assured brush strokes and the use of fractured light

makes this painting a wonderful example of a very brief

but influential time period known as the Northern French naturalist movement.

- Northern French naturalist movement. - Northern French...

Ma'am.

I don't mean to interrupt,

but there are some things I could clear up for the group.

- May I? - Oh, no, I think...

Well, first, The Lonely Maiden

was painted in 1875, not 1873.

And the girl in the painting is not the artist's daughter,

but in fact a niece from his wife's side.

Also, the painting technically belongs to an offshoot

of the Northern French naturalist movement. The post-naturalist movement.

- One of only three works completed. - Yeah. I knew that.

The Lonely Maiden is marked by the subtle use of tone and mood

to create a striking image of desperate longing

and overwhelming passion.

Sometimes, when you look at her, the way the light glows on her face,

the eyes so full of sorrow,

you cannot help but ask, What is she searching for?

Is there anything I can do for her?

Is there anything I can do for her?

- Okay. Thank you, sir. - Thank you.

That was a nice treat, wasn't it? That was neat.

Good to see you.

She looks kind of fat.

- So, Roger, how was your day? - It was good. How was yours?

Mine? Mine was better than good.

You know how I've been doing Mondays and Wednesdays down in Margie's shop?

Well, Margie decided they needed another person on Thursdays.

- And who do you think she called? - Is this the same soup we usually have?

- Chicken noodle. - Same brand?

No, they didn't have your brand. Why? Is it bad?

No, it's just different.

Anyway, today alone I did seven colorings and six perms.

- It's by far the most I have ever done. - The noodles stick together in this kind.

I don't know what it is about Thursdays,

but I made more money in tips today than I ever have on any Wednesday.

- I was so nervous walking home. - You know, criminals can sense fear.

Well, I hope no one sensed me today. I was nervous.

Every little bit gets us closer to Florida.

Our vacation, Roger. Our vacation.

- Who? - I know you take your job seriously,

and that's great, but I really think you need a break.

Someplace warm where you could relax, take your mind off the museum.

You know what happens when a security guard relaxes?

I think I have some idea.

Rose.

Monsieur Barlow, you're supposed to be on break

Yo, Mr. Barlow, you're supposed to be on break, man.

Go, get out of here!

Go grab a soda or something, huh?

Okay, but watch out for children. They like to touch things.

- They get too close, you have to be... - Yeah, yeah, trust me.

It's under control.

Look sharp, now. Looks like The Man just walked in.

- I wonder what they're doing. - You didn't hear?

Man, don't you ever read the bulletin board?

The display should be bold, in your face, grab people by their throats and say,

I don't care what you think, I am beautiful.

Do not turn away. This middle area,

wonderful for the dung sculptures.

The upstairs, perfect for the series of animal genitalia.

Now, for the northern end of the hall...

- Can I help you with something? - Yes, sir.

I was wondering, someone told me just now,

you're thinking of moving The Lonely Maiden

Is that true?

- Who is this? - That would be Barlow, sir.

Security guard, sir.

Well, Mr. Barlow, I don't know what you've heard,

but we are not thinking of moving the exhibit.

We are moving the exhibit.

A gallery in Copenhagen made an offer and we accepted.

- Let's go, gentlemen. - Sir! Sir! Why Denmark? Why so far?

I'm sorry we didn't consult you.

The visitor will be greeted by a series of spirals here

in the northern end of the gallery.

It's that damned new curator. We've had that exhibit 30 years.

People... It needs to be there.

- Roger, were you wearing a beret again? - No.

But it leaves a big mark on your forehead, and it pushes your hair up in the back.

I know you like to wear it when you read your art books.

It doesn't make sense. People love those paintings.

Maybe they'll like the new exhibit.

Roger, maybe you should retire.

You've been at the museum an awfully long time.

I can't retire, Rose. What would I do with myself all day?

Roger, you wouldn't do it with yourself. You would do it with me.

We could move out of the city, someplace warm.

I don't know.

- Bob. - Hey, Roger.

You thought about moving to Denmark?

A little bit, but I don't think my wife would go for it.

How about you?

Looked into it.

- It just doesn't seem right. - No.

I mean, you stand there, day after day, year after year,

and then...

They say she's going to be gone. Just like that.

You know,

we don't have to let them leave.

I mean, if we're serious, we can just make them ours.

- What are you saying? - What do you think I'm saying?

I'm not sure.

For a second, I thought you were suggesting that we steal the paintings.

And if I am?

We're security guards. We're supposed to stop crime.

You don't think this is a crime? Do you know how far Denmark is?

I don't know, Charlie.

We're not thieves. And besides, you and me...

I don't see how we could do it.

It's a silly idea. I shouldn't have brought it up.

- Wait, wait. - I have to go.

I have things to do. I have responsibilities. Thanks for the milk.

Sure.

Paintings.

Steal paintings.

- Hi. - Charles.

Have you thought about what we talked about yesterday?

No.

Okay, maybe a little bit. Why?

Can I show you something?

About nine months ago they started this new program

of looking at the security tape from the night before,

to make sure that the guards on duty aren't slacking off.

So I volunteered, thinking a few hours of overtime would help.

- Hey, Tony. - Hey, fellows.

His name is George McLendon. He's been a guard for 12 years.

Works nights twice a week.

The statue he's looking at is called The Bronze Warrior

Artist unknown.

A vivid and exquisite celebration of the male form.

The naked male form.

That's him.

- Excuse me. Hello, how are you? - Good, good. What can I do for you fellows?

My name is Roger Barlow. This is Charles Peterson.

- Hi. - We work at the museum.

- Right, I know, I've seen you around. - Okay, well...

Well...

What?

You're on the security tapes.

So?

- Well... - Jesus.

- Where's... Taxi! Taxi! Taxi! - George, it's not what you think.

George, George, George, please.

Listen, I don't know what you think you saw, but I'm a happily married man.

- We're not here to judge you. - No, we just want to talk about your statue.

We just want to talk.

You know they're moving the exhibit, don't you?

That's why we're here.

Can we go somewhere?

The coffee shop?

- Do you know how far Denmark is? - Yes, it's so far away.

- It's too far. - It's a really hard language.

Hope you don't mind the mess.

- We don't get very many guests. - That's fine. Did you do all these yourself?

I can pretty much do it from memory now.

The hand sketch on the yellow envelope over there is my latest.

- I finished it this morning. - These are amazing.

Thank you.

That must be George.

- Hi, George. - Charles.

- Roger. - Hi, George.

I hope you didn't have any trouble finding the place.

- No. - Well, if you can just watch your step.

- Cats, see. - Yeah. Where's the model?

It's over here.

Matisse! Come on, darling.

Bad kitty.

So this is about the best I could do, in terms of setting up a model for us.

You know, this is the main entrance,

this is the north entrance, this is the south entrance.

Well, you know the layout.

I thought the north entrance would be our best chance. It's quiet and secluded,

so we won't be spotted from the street.

The door has a triple-action security lock, controlled electronically,

and there's only one posted guard.

The guard on duty is permitted two five-minute bathroom breaks

every three hours

We preset the electronic locks at a specified time

Make our way down the corridor to the main exhibit hall

What about the two interior guards?

I don't know.

Well, we could always use the south entrance.