Porno Movie (Porno film)

WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY

Come on!

Yes, hello.

What friend?

Oh, Polde, yes. What's bothering you?

Yes, we do that, too.

We handle all kinds of extortion and threats

with discretion and we use the Slovenian language.

Friday, September 1 7th

John and I went to window- dressing school together.

THE FATAL PHONE CALL I hadn't seen him for years.

I knew he had a whore- house near Ljubljana.

And then he called me.

Join you where?

I have a tough extortion job tonight. I need another guy.

Why the fuck me? With the way I look?

You get $500, cash. That should shut your mouth.

John who could ever freeze in fear of me, what do you think?

Doesn't matter. I just need you for back-up. OK?

Have you met? -You bet we have.

Frank also went to window-dressing school.

He was expelled for dealing marihuana.

I never liked him. THE EXTORTION

And I was scared of the money stuff, I have to say.

First we talk to him. If he makes a deal OK,

if not, I'll bust his ass.

I'll take care of everything. You just look mean.

Now how can I find this little sweetheart?

What do we do now?

Let's try this one. -Think so?

We're looking for Rakocevic. -That's me. -Lucky for us.

We represent Financial-Consulting Ltd.

We're here to work out your little problem.

Can we go inside? We wouldn't want the neighbors watching...

What a shitty job this is!

Let's circle for good luck, I feel so guilty.

Right now, I'd rather kick the client's ass,

not the poor bastard's. -l'd rather have you call me Fuck.

Frank suggested we formed a heavy metal band.

DEVIL'S SEED

That sucks.

I have another idea.

Tell me about it.

Why don't we make a porno film?

You want to fuck for free? Childhood frustrations!

Yeah, and when you bullshit, it's OK, or what? -Right.

That's not a bad idea. -What idea?

To shoot some porn. -lt's bullshit.

You just said you wanted to make some real money.

Porn is good business. -We just have to work a little.

You're the one who's always watching porno videos.

You are the expert. You have a Ph.D. in Pornography.

I won't act in it, but I can direct it.

Of course you can direct it, but you have to be in it, too.

You can't just sit around and watch. -You two can act.

No! All together!

We'll be the stars of the first porno film in Slovenian.

If we make a good one,

we'll be famous here forever, maybe even worldwide.

You know, this may sound a little strange.

I feel really guilty about my country.

I keep making money and I give nothing in return.

This film is fair payback. -Nicely put.

Are you stoned or what? -We'll make shitloads of money!

Come on! -Okay, I'll direct it. That's cool.

Baby, baby, Take me to Jamaica!

Take me to Jamaica, across the seas,

sailing to Jamaica,

Baby, baby, Take me to Jamaica...

See you at noon. Sleep well.

Porno films have been my passion since grade school.

I must've seen more than a 1 000. I am almost an expert.

I couldn't believe how quickly I got involved.

THE DIRECTOR This morning I was

an ordinary window-dresser, now I am a Film Director!

THE ANTAGONISTS Saturday, September 1 8th

There were other things going on that I had no idea about.

Come on, Bato. Come on, hurry up!

It's too high... -lt is not. Now jump, man. Just jump.

This is a letter of fortune...

Sorry, I couldn't find a parking space.

John is late too.

Growing a moustache? -For the film, if you don't mind.

I can hardly wait to see the bitches we're gonna fuck.

Be nicer. You don't have to humiliate them.

Can't help it. I was born with a superiority complex.

I meant it in a nice way.

Yeah, I can see, you were born different from the rest of us.

Can't help it.

I've been thinking about the film. I have some great ideas.

You're so hyped up. Are you on vitamins or something?

Sucky got her period again? She gets it every two weeks.

There goes another client.

Am I supposed to fuck him if she can't?

The colors have to be perfect. We need a and sharp picture.

The skin has to be tan, not yoghurt white.

We all have to go to a sun-studio.

Or into a microwave oven. Very fucking clever.

I've noticed... Nothing I say is good enough for you lately.

I'm offended. -Cut the crap and it'll be fine.

Thanks for the advice.

Want some? -What? -Hot-dog!

You are a fucking jerk-off! -Don't ever say that again!

I'll break your chicken neck, you motherfucker.

Look who is talking...

Women normally have periods once in a month, right?

Now, in Sucky's case, I've been writing it down,

she has it every 22 days. Let's run a calculation...

3, 6, 5, divided by what... -22... -What do you get?

It's 1 6 and a half, 1 6.5!

She has 4.5 extra periods per year.

Start offering last minute deals. -What do you mean?

Like travel agencies. For the babes who are just

a day before their period, you offer a 30% discount.

The "Bloody Mary". Clients will love it.

Not a bad idea, you are not that stupid after all.

I hit the jackpot with you as the director of my film!

And as an actor, of course! -Some actor...

I got that idea from my favorite porno.

It's called Nectar. German stuff.

This tie of yours is great.

This bit of hair under your nose is cool, too.

Just for the shoot. Like it? -lt's great, super.

We have to make a really good porno movie.

Agreed?

Good porn. World class porn. Export quality.

Not your typical Slovenian film that noone understands.

Something with a story and a human touch, expressive,

about people like us. That's it. -Cool.

Can your Russian girls speak Slovenian? -l was thinking.

Maybe this language thing isn't so important after all.

You shut up, there is only one thing on your mind. -Sure.

Be glad to get some free sex. -l am glad. -Come again.

Can the chicks speak Slovenian?

Not too well... -l knew it!

Verbal communication isn't the main thing, but it's

important. -Their non-verbal communication is great.

Best in town, absolutely professional. Guaranteed!

I have to check their acting skills. -Born actresses.

I want to make it so good that people from around

the world will ask: Where the fuck is this Slovenia

where all the good porno comes from.

I want to make Slovenia

what Denmark used to be for the porno industry.

That's the spirit. First we'll have auditions, then I'll make

the contracts. I want straight business and no hassle

about the money. Deal? -Cool. Great.

Action time! -Come out.

THE AUDITION

I speak Slovenian, I want shoot myself in movie.

Can you act? -l had drama lessons at school in Russia.

She is promising.

Can you erase this? -Do you think it's a problem?

This? Yes. -Suzy, can you erase this?

I'd like to have it removed. Yugoslav soldiers loved it,

but now everything has changed.

You already shot a porno movie in Hungary?

Yes, I shoot cinema in Budapest. -Very good.

What was the title? -lntimate places.

Intimate places...

Sucky's on sick leave today. Anyway, her specialty is oral.

Would you shoot a film with us? -No way, I'm a lady.

I am not so sure about this porno any more. Not at all.

Show us, now. Masturbate.

With both hands...

Yes, inside, that's it...

Would you shoot a film with us? -With great pleasure.

I always want act in film.

I mean porn - the real stuff. -Cinema is cinema.

You were born for it! Fantastic. You got the part!

Step down, let Kalinka come in.

Marina is the best! She's mine in the movie.

And finally, introducing Miss Kalinka.

Kalinka, what was that? -Marshak, the poet.

Why did you recite it?

John said you needed an actress.

It sounded fine, but it was boring.

Kalinka, what do you like most about sex?

Everything.

Everything about sex is the best.

Everything about sex is the best? Bravo!

Kalinka, would you shoot a film with us? -Here I am.

Isn't she great? She's yours in the film, Charlie.

To the film! -To the film! Cheers!

Listen, John! -What?

When do we start rehearsing? -When the girls are off duty.

Are you free now? -Now? -Yes.

May l, John? -Yes, go to the room.

Practice. Understand?

Am I a happy man!

This Frank is a sex maniac.

Let him enjoy life a little.

How about you?

The girls need lessons in Slovenian grammar.

Kalinka's yours in the film. You may go to the room too.

What? -What what? -Are you crazy?

I am not doing it with this tart.

She's been fucked a zillion times.

Stinks of borscht. I'd rather have you call me Fuck.

You shouldn't miss this. My girls are seldom for free.