The Life & Times of Tim

* now you're looking at a man that's getting kinda mad *

* I had lots of luck but it's all been bad *

* no matter how I struggle and strive *

* I'll never get out of this world alive *

* my fishing pole's broke, the creek is full of sand *

* my woman run away with another man *

* no matter how I struggle and strive *

* I'll never get out of this world alive. *

Emergency. I think I've got scurvy.

Only cured by a lime .

coming right up, boss.

Get it on me. Body shot time.

My boat, my rules. Whoop whoop!

He should not be steering this boat.

I will dance with you.

I'm king of the world. I'm king of the shrimp world.

- Man, this party is out of control. - Unbelievable, right?

In a bad way. I've got to get out of here, actually.

I said I'd be back by 7:00.

Me and amy are doing more date nights these days.

Get married. Forget the date nights. You're better than that.

No, it's too late for that. I've got to meet her at a movie.

Call her and cancel then ask her to marry you.

I can't reach her even if I wanted to propose.

My phone's not working out here.

So why don't we rip down the statue of liberty

And put up a cell tower? What are you, fucking canadian?

There's no need to question my patriotism. It's just date night.

Ladies and gentlemen, I was pleased

To have so many of my closest amigos here.

We didn't really have a choice, did we?

But sadly we've now circumvented

This great island of lady manhattan

And well, like horses to the stables,

I feel we've got to moor ourselves home.

All right, maybe I can still make it.

But I'm not quite ready to quit, are you?

- All: No! - Tim: No, we are.

Excuse me, boss, real quick.

Go ahead, tim. More party talk?

No. Is there a dinghy onboard?

- Oh jesus christ. - I need to get back.

Is a dinghy like a cabin boy? - I've got to get back. It's date night.

I mean, I don't see any way of you getting back

Unless we turn the entire party around and go home.

You don't have a raft or anything?

Maybe an inflatable seahorse or those arm things-- the inflatable things.

Is there an emergency communication device?

I just need to make a phone call.

There is actually, but I need to keep that line open

In case of some kind of heroic sully sullenberger type situation.

But there is an emergency measure I would very much like to implement

In regards to you and your face and your throat and your neck.

- What? - Stand like a linebacker.

- No, please don't. - Tilt your head back.

- Don't touch my head. - Open that pretty pink mouth.

Hold him. Hold him down.

Yeah, slide it down there.

Cocktail sauce shooters.

Pour that in there. Down his hatches.

Oh man, how good is peanut butter?

Oh, that is the tastiest fucking thing in the world.

Tim, where have you been?

Oh man, I tried to take a boat

To see the love of my life.

- Are you drunk? - No no no no no no.

Why were you on a boat?

Um, it was a work thing.

You were supposed to meet me at the movie.

Why don't they keep the movies going?

I tried to get back in time.

I had no cell signal.

So you figured you may as well just blow it out,

- Have a good time? - Yeah. At that point yeah.

Get wasted? - That's the way it went at that point.

It was a work event.

Okay, well if it was work

Then you should probably put in for overtime, right?

seems inappropriate. I'll ask though.

great night. Great night overall.

- Mm-hmm. - Hello, gentlemen.

- Oh hey, marie. - Hey, marie.

I see the fun has spled over into today.

- I love it. - Mm-hmm.

Nothing like a good boat-based environment

- To stir things up. - It was a good trip.

So you had a good time, timothy? - I did. It's funny.

As much fun as we had, my girlfriend thought I should put in for overtime...

Overtime?

...Since the whole thing was on the boss's boat.

Oh, so greedy.

- Marie: Overtime? - It's not my opinion.

This is labor law and omnicorp policy that we establish a paper trail.

- How many hours, timothy. - I wasn't gonna actually do it.

She just thought I should. It's a funny story. - Go ahead.

- It's labor law. - Six hours.

Six hours. Anything else?

If I'm allowed to do it, might as well.

Yeah, put in for the popcorn and the cab.

Popcorn, cab. One more?

- Get this completely off my desk... - Crackers I had later on.

The crackers? - I normally wouldn't eat that late.

You're putting in for the crackers?

I normally would not eat that late.

Gorgeous. We're done here.

- Tim. - Hey.

Tim, answer me one question. Mm-hmm.

We had a good time on the boat, didn't we?

- Great time. - Right, unlimited shrimp.

Unlimited. - Dancing, music, margaritas.

These are fun things, are they not?

Really quite fun.

So how exactly do you explain this?

Oh, is that the expense report?

"half a box of popped corn

That amy didn't eat-- $2.50."

Yeah, I had to cancel date night so...

I had to-- yeah, overtime.

I don't understand. The boat was personal,

Yet this is a work-related invoice.

Do you need to be paid to spend time with me?

- Typically. - What?

No, I mean, it was still a work-related event.

You've got to admit it was all work people.

How could I have misread the signal so terribly?

I blame myself, tim. I blame myself.

God! God!

No, I'd hang out with you on a weekend.

I could see us just shooting the shit.

If I wasn't paying, you'd spend time with me?

- Absolutely. - When?

You really want to hang out with me?

Sounds great. When do we do it?

Stu and rodney are coming over to have some beers tonight.

- Make it a four-way. - Let's not call it a four-way.

But I'll see you tonight.

All right, got the beer,

Got the salami. Should I get a knife?

I brought a plastic knife from the deli.

- That should do it. - Amy: So this is it?

This is the spread for the boss?

You said you didn't want to help, so this is what tim does.

- A salami? - He loves meat, right?

I don't know, bro. A classy guy like him,

I mean, he likes a nice steak, maybe a little jazz.

You know, there's this club uptown.

They don't even get going till midnight.

No no, he wanted to hang out like we do.

- Yeah. - All right.

- Friends, friends. - Cool, good.

there he is.

- There my crazy friend. - Hey.

- All right, bros' night out. - All right.

- - Oh, good god. - - What?T's do it.

- You live here? - Yeah, pretty sweet place.

- We got pretty lucky. - This is it?

- This isn't the foyer? - What wrong?

I can't believe that you live in such a dust bowl of filth.

Excuse me? This is our home.

Yeah, some would consider that rude what you just said.

Mae I live in a bubble,

But this is thmost disgusting thing I've ever seen.

I need to run from here as quickly as possible.

Listen, I think it might be even more fun

- If we get out of here. - Yeah.

Why don't we go-- you said that jazz club you like...

- You like jazz, right? - Yes, jazz is my thing.

Let's do that. You gonna come, amy?

Uh, I'm gonna pass.

- Ooh, where are we? - Where are we?

Is this what people mean when they say "harlem"?

Yeah, they don't pronounce it like that, but yeah.

I've never been above 96th street.

All right, boys. Checked with the doorman.

Two drink minimum, 15 bucks to get in the door.

That's highway robbery. I don't even carry money.

- You're not gonna pay for us? - I have nothing.

- I have a show wallet. - You're wealthy.

- What? No, tim, seriously. - You're the boss.

This is just a bros' night out.

We have to keep a serious great wall of china

Between tonight and what it's like for us together at work.

I'm not the boss tonight.

Well, that is all that daddy needs to hear.

Stu.

Do you have glaucoma or some preexisting medical condition

That wasn't on the omnicorp files?

No. - We don't usually do this by the way.

Huh, well, you know what?

I haven'tthere we go. In yearthere's my man.

stu: Tim, you gonna take a puff?

All right, maybe a quick hit.

Whoa whoa, do I smell inspiration?

Oh, tim, tim, tim, some authentic jazz men.

Yeah? - Don't bogart the joint. Pass it along.

That's right. That's right. Puff puff pass, man.

I don't know any of the terminology.

- Puff puff pass. - Puff puff pass.

- It was in my mouth. - Pass the joint.

All right.