South Park

Students, I would love to introduce you all

to the future.

Starting today, our school

will be operating entirely on IntelliLink.

Now, whenever you need to see the school nurse

or talk to me, your counselor, you can simply sign up

using this simple integrated portal.

You can use a computer or any of the IntelliLink panels

which are located throughout the school.

Let’s say you’re in the cafeteria,

and you start coughing up blood and need to see the nurse.

You click on school clinic…

See nurse…

Respiration problems.

I must be in the wrong menu.

You can see you can control the sound system as well.

It’s all integrated and smartlinked, and this is a great idea.

Let’s look at the message board.

Message board.

Message board.

Here, you can easily write messages to each other or to the faculty.

For instance, here we go. Here’s a message from Kyle’s brother.

Ike Broflovski.

Little Ike says, “My brother is a homo.”

Ike made a little drawing of his brother too.

Drew a nice picture with a nice bird hanging off Kyle’s forehead.

That’s nice.

That’s a nice crane, whooping crane coming off Kyle’s head there.

That’s not a crane. It’s a dick and balls.

Mom, Ike did it again.

I don’t know what’s going on with him, but it’s like he hates me.

Your little brother is getting older.

He’s not a baby anymore.

I know, but he posted a message of me with a schlong on my head.

It’s natural, bubbe.

Part of getting older is finding ways to assert your independence.

You know.

Why don’t you go and try to talk to him. You can win him over again.

Hey, Ike. How’s it going?

Get out of my room! I’m on my computer.

I wanted to see if you wanna do finger paints with me.

Do I look like I wanna do fucking finger paints?

Look at the fucking zits on my face.

I want us to be friends again.

Then stop harassing me, bro.

You don’t know what it’s like to be a baby going through puberty.

I don’t know whether to watch Yo Gabba Gabba or go tame some strange!

Yeah, let’s watch Yo Gabba Gabba, like old times.

Come on, let’s dance!

Dancey Dance is my favorite.

It always has been.

See? This is nice!

Who would you rather fuck, Foofa or Toodee?

– What? – I wanna fuck Foofa.

I wouldn’t want to fuck Toodee. She’s a dyke, you can tell.

But Foofa, man… I bet she’s got some sweet strange.

I don’t even know what the fucking Muno is.

Is that chewing tobacco?

What, you gonna fucking narc and tell Mom?

– I don’t think it’s healthy. – You don’t understand shit!

I knew this was a bad idea.

I’m gonna go watch Yo Gabba Gabba in my roomsies.

Come in.

Mr. Mackey, can I talk to you?

Have you set up a counseling appointment on IntelliLink?

That’s fine.

Let’s see what’s available.

Let’s see. Counseling request…

Students…

Make the appointment.

Students… Here we go.

Make appointment.

Here we go.

What do you need counseling with?

It’s my little brother.

He’s really changing…

I’ll click on family issues.

– What time did you want counseling? – Right now.

And what’s your brother’s intelligrated smartname?

I don’t know.

I can do a look up for the name.

Go back.

Main menu.

Oh, damn it!

Now back… set…

Set appointment.

Speakers off.

– What is your smartname, Kyle? – What?

Sorry, we’re gonna need to go somewhere else.

Let’s find an IntelliLink panel somewhere.

Let’s see, lights, mood…

Start counseling timer. There we go.

We got it.

Now, you have some concerns about your little brother?

He’s changing a lot.

He walks around angry, telling me I’m stupid,

and all he talks about is sex.

It sounds like he’s hitting puberty.

He just seems so young.

Your brother is Canadian.

Perhaps Canadian puberty is a little different.

Why don’t you educate yourself about Canadian puberty,

and it can be something you can actually do together?

This is the first time I’m doing counseling

and go to the bathroom at the same time.

IntelliLink is amazing.

Hello, young people,

and welcome to the most fascinating time of your life.

You have braved the trials of childhood

and now, you are reaching Canadian puberty.

By now, you’ve probably noticed some changes in your body.

For instance, when you fart, your dick gets hard.

Other physical changes are happening to your body.

If you’re a boy, you may notice that your testicles ache.

Or if you’re a girl, you may notice a tingling sensation in your strange.

This stupid, bro. I already know all this.

Let’s just give it a chance.

Going through Canadian puberty, your voice is starting to change.

You’re saying things like, “hey, buddy,” and, “hey, guy.”

Now you’re older, someone who was once your buddy

is now your guy.

And someone who you used to call guy is quickly becoming your friend.

But now, let’s discuss how a man and woman make love.

First, a man and a woman fall in love.

Then the man farts on the woman’s strange…

Filling the woman’s strange with air so the woman can queef

in the man’s face.

And the baby is born.

The entire process can take up to six months…

It’s what?

That’s not how babies are born?

What’s semen?

Then why did my wife queef in my face?

She said it was to…

Then why would she…

I’m gonna get to the bottom of this.

Make me look like an idiot, will you?

You told me you queefed in my face because that’s how babies are born.

– I was being sarcastic. – Being sarcastic?

I told a million teenagers that’s how it’s done!

I was angry. You never listen to me.

I wanted us to go to therapy, and you never go.

You want me to go with you to therapy?

Totally degrading. She queefed in my face.

Maybe you should spend less time at work and more time at home.

What the fuck is going on?

You’re fucking stupid, Kyle!

I don’t know what else to do.

No matter what I try, me and Ike seem to drift further apart.

He doesn’t ever want to play with you anymore?

He doesn’t even want me near him.

That sucks, dude.

I said, that sucks, dude!

Thanks.

There we go. That’s got the speakers off.

What were you trying to do, Kyle?

I was trying to see the principal about getting excused on Friday,

to take my brother to see Yo Gabba Gabba live.

Can he just go talk to the principal?

This is gonna work.

I called IntelliLink, and they’re sending over an engineer.

Is this classroom 7?

My name’s Cody. I’m your smartnician.

You’re having some IntelliProblems with your astute links?

A student’s trying to make an appointment to see the principal.

Here’s the problem. Your smartnames aren’t intelligrated.

I see.

If you want to have those intelligrated with EasyLink,

you might want to upgrade your system to the Silver Package.

I needed the Silver Package? Can we do that?

Let me call my supervisor on the IntelliPhone.

Get out of my room! I’m playing trucks!

I couldn’t get us out of school Friday.

I can’t take you to Yo Gabba Gabba live.

You promised!

I couldn’t see the principal.

Am I supposed to go see it myself?

I’m a little baby. Who’s going to hold my fucking hand?

You don’t give a shit about how I feel!

– I do… – You love pushing me around.

Is that what you wanna do? Kick the baby?

I’m ready, bro. Come on, kick the baby!

Come on, bro.

Kick the fucking baby. Let’s see you try it, wuss!

Don’t bite people

Don’t ever bite people

Muno, what should we do now?

Let’s play a cool, cool trick!

All right!

Who out in the audience has a cool, cool trick to show us?

What’s your name, little boy?

My name is Ryan.

And what is your cool, cool trick?

My cool, cool trick is that I can jump in the air.

All right, Ryan. Let’s see you jump in the air!

– Way to go! – All right!

– And what’s your name, little boy? – Ike Broflovski.

Do you have a cool trick?

For my cool, cool trick, I’m gonna tame Foofa’s strange.

Tame my what?