The Office

Oh, for God's sake.

"Planking" is a very stupid and dangerous trend.

Basically you lie like a plank in weird places.

That's it.

Sometimes you get run over.

Welcome to the Internet.

Planking is one of those things where,

hey, you either get it or you don't.

And I don't.

But I am so excited to be a part of it.

- After you, my good sir. - No, I insist.

The search committee finally decided

after a lot of deliberation

on Robert California for the manager position...

- - Who took one look around

and left.

He drove down to Florida and convinced Jo

to make him CEO.

CEO...

Her own job.

He talked her out of her own job

and I don't really know how someone does that.

But, anyway, then the position was his to fill

and he chose...

It's unbelievable.

True, I might have been the second choice,

but I was the first choice's first choice.

And, about Dwight, I sense that he might

have some resentment about not getting the job.

So I sat him down and we had a talk.

And I told him, "I need a really strong number two.

I want you to be my enforcer."

Smart, right? Very smart.

- This has got to stop. - I can't get down.

Ke-- Kevin!

Yeah, at first I was really disappointed.

But I've got a great daily routine going right now.

I've upped my karate to eight times a week.

I've added boxing, lunches and on weekends.

I do kickboxing three times a week,

krav maga four times a week,

an hour of meditation every morning at sunrise,

and again at sunset.

So yeah... I'm doing great.

Okay, I'm going to need some help. Pam?

- I don't think I should. -

Oh, yeah, pregnant.

Right here. Little Michael Scott.

Nope. I told you I don't like that joke.

It is a boy-- We found out early.

Much different the second time around.

And I have to say, it is nice

not being the only pregnant woman in the office.

Look! It's, uh, little pregs and big pregs.

Wait, when did we start calling...

Isn't it amazing, the difference in our sizes?

Well, I am a few months ahead of you.

I'm having a child with my husband the senator,

and Pam is having a child with Jim...

The great salesman.

- Hoist him aloft! -

Come on, Darryl!

Lift, lift, Darryl. Yeah, come on, man...

Yeah, I wanted the manager job,

but I got something much better...

This soda.

This is mine.

It might be easier if you take a deep breath,

lift from the knees, and shove it up your butt.

- -

I came up with a new thing this summer.

I act like I'm telling someone how to do something.

I go on with a long description

and then I say, "and shove it up your butt!"

It's stupid, but it's my thing now.

No one should be planking at all.

Thank you. Yes.

Dwight, my enforcer, my number two,

can you take care of this?

Say no more.

[Extinguisher ferociously whooshes]

Kids, don't try planking.

It's dangerous.

Especially with me around.

[Ray Lamontagne's Trouble plays through speakers]

Are you watching that commercial again?

Why do you keep watching it

if you know it's just going to make you cry?

Because everything makes me cry,

so what's the difference?

And this dog...

He just wants to protect his bone.

He's got a bank vault, that's a start.

Not enough, though.

All right.

The new CEO works out of the conference room

about half the time.

But whenever he takes a break,

he does these weird walks around the office.

And you never know who he's going to zero in on

for these really intense small talks.

You just hope it's not you.

And yet you hope it is you too.

It's strange.

Here we go.

- Hello. - Robert California.

Let's have a conversation.

Describe your day so far.

Well, I woke up, and--

Erin, when you recount your day,

never say you woke up, it's a waste of your time.

That's how every day has begun

for everyone since the dawn of man.

Very smart. Very smart.

Suddenly... I was awake.

And I have a new thing-- - Hey, Robert.

We have that 9:30 A.M. casual chitchat scheduled.

I emailed you about it last night to confirm.

And again this morning.

First item on the agenda-- Can I get everyone

an extra long Columbus day weekend?

Item number two-- Connect with the guy.

Robert California-- What does he think of me?

Don't know. Super care.

Number three, time permitting, we lost our biggest client.

Uh, nope, I actually have that on last month's order.

Oh, sure. Yeah.

Yeah on that.

Pam! Pam! Psst!

Pam!

- Come here. -

- Look... - Jim!

Can I call you right back?

Thank you very much.

Okay.

What is this?

The Friday before Columbus day-- Thoughts?

What are your thoughts?

Just making chitchat.

Kind of a medium year for women's soccer, no?

See? I think that...

What are you looking at?

It's-- it's nothing.

- Can't be nothing. - Yeah, it can't be nothing.

It's just a list of our names

split into two columns. What?

Okay, just wait one second, all right?

I will copy it.

Do you have a pen?

- No. - No.

Okay. Um, I'll take a photo of it.

Dwight, can you throw me my phone?

Nice catch.

If he comes out, distract him.

We need a warning signal.

We don't need a warning signal, Kevin.

I can see him right there. We do!

- I promise you, we don't need-- - Warning! Warning!

Warning! Warning!

All: Phyllis!

- Oh. - You okay?

Here, watch your neck.

- You okay? - Yeah, yeah. Oh!

Thanks, guys.

Wow.

Okay.

What side of the list am I on?

- Left. - Yes!

Why are you-- How do you know--

Really great list of names, guys.

Thank you so much. Good work.

Uh, no. Actually, that was in Robert's notebook.

He left it at reception and we photocopied it.

O-oo-kay.

I don't want any part of this.

Maybe it's a list of people he's going to fire.

Okay, it's not that, Pam.

You know, I was thinking it reminds me

of those lists Dwight used to make.

This is if we were all on a cruise ship

and had to divide into lifeboats.

And this is if we were on a cruise ship

and had to divide into life rafts.

Here's something.

Who would eat who in alive situation.

No. That can't be it.

I got to say, kind of seems like

the left side's the side to be on--

me, Jim, Dwight, Darryl. No offense, Pam.

- No, I don't think so. - Excuse me?

Shh! Pam, come on.

Don't be such a right-sider.

- Did you guys figure it out? - We couldn't crack it.

Go in there and just ask the man what it means.

He'll know that we looked at his private notebook.

Come on, just say you saw the list by accident.

I'm already working on this Columbus day thing for you guys.

And it's starting to stack up-- feels like a lot.

One thing at a time.

That's all you had to do today,