Mike & Molly

*

** Off a bathroom stall

At an overeaters anonymous meeting,

You know it's gonna be good.

Well, I guess this is the "awkward moment"

Portion of the evening.

Yep. The looming question:

Who gets the leftovers?

You want to come in for a while?

Uh, are your mom and sister home?

They're probably asleep. Let me check.

Hey!

Did you guys do it yet?

Not asleep.

But we can still hang out in my room.

So we'd have to walk right past the two of them, right?

Well, unless you own a jet pack.

It just feels kind of unsavory.

Why? We're not doing anything wrong.

That's true. We're just two grown people

Out on a date that aren't ready to say good night yet.

Exactly. Shall we?

Let's do it.

Hey!

Okay, how 'bout this?

Saturday night, you come over to my place.

That way we don't have to worry about the smurfs,

And, uh, we can relax and do whatever we want to do.

"whatever we want to do," huh?

Absolutely.

Why are you smiling?

Why are you smiling?

I'm smiling 'cause I get the leftovers.

Come here, you.

* for the first time in my life *

* I see love. *

So, you got any plans for this weekend?

I promised my grandma I'd clean out the garage.

I thought you cleaned the garage last weekend.

I'm kind of dragging my feet.

I'm afraid once I get it done,

She's gonna make me live out there.

Yeah, like in the army,

When the enemy makes you dig your own grave.

Exactly. So, what are you up to?

Ah, not much.

Molly's coming over Saturday night.

You dirty, dirty dog.

All right.

I told you he'd get laid

Before the cubs won a world series.

Now is your apartment ready for entertaining a lady?

'cause the last time I saw your bathtub,

It looked like you'd washed a gorilla in it.

Don't worry.

I'm going after it with a grill brush and some degreaser.

Plus, I'm buying a new shower curtain, nice sheets

And some of that liquid soap that the ladies seem to favor.

Good idea.

Now you don't have to worry about plucking your pubes

Out of the irish spring.

Oh, that is tedious work.

I live with five roommates.

Our soap looks like a wet cat.

I also cleaned the oven,

Vacuumed all the skittles out of the couch cushions,

And I'm buying drapes for the bedroom window.

Those drapes should have happened years ago.

I'm surprised your neighbors didn't start a petition.

What about candles or incense?

Way ahead of you-- I put an airwick on the toilet tank.

Mango-kiwi.

It's like having a luau on your crapper.

Well, that's fine for knocking back the funk,

But candles also help create a mood.

A sensual ambiance, if you will.

Is that why I get aroused when I see a birthday cake?

No. No.

But while we're talking about food,

You're gonna need a bottle of champagne and some strawberries.

Strawberries?

Big-ass strawberries.

I don't know why, but it drives the ladies wild.

You'd think it would be bananas.

Yeah, a banana and a couple of plums

Laid out on the coffee table.

Mm-hmm. It should get their motor running.

Women are such mysterious creatures.

Beautiful, unsolvable mysteries.

Like those big alien crop circles.

But with nipples.

All right-- strawberries, candles, champagne.

Anything else?

Um, whipped cream-- you know, in case

You want to "freak it up" a notch.

I'm trying to stay away from sweets.

Then get fat-free.

You don't have to blow your diet to get your kink on.

But don't forget the four silk scarves,

So she can tie you to the bed,

And one large ostrich feather

To be used on the underside of your scrotum.

You're not there yet.

Okay, that's cool.

Don't forget to take a pair of clean underwear,

So if you do spend the night, you're prepared.

But I don't want him to think

I was planning on spending the night.

Oh, molly, there's a lot of reasons a gal

Keeps an extra pair of drawers in her purse.

Some good, some bad. Let him decide.

I can't believe how nervous I am.

Well, then throw in another pair of panties.

Better safe than smelly.

Mom, please, you're not helping.

Oh honey, relax. It's just sex.

I know it's been a while, but it's like riding a bike.

You know, if instead of wheels, the bike had two balls.

How long has it been, honey?

I don't know.

18 months, four days, five hours.

Wow. You're lucky it's not like pierced ears,

Where the holes grow shut.

That'd be an embarrassing trip back to the mall.

Whoa, you can't let this guy

See you wearing that big ol' pair of granny panties.

Don't you have a thong?

I'm not wearing a thong, Victoria.

How bout a bustier?

How about two band-aids and a cork?

You know what?

I'm just going to finish this up by myself.

Why don't you two go watch TV

Or bat a dead mouse around the kitchen floor?

No, we want to help you.

Which reminds me, have you trimmed the hedges?

What are you talking about?

Well...

You tend to get a little "shaggy in your Scooby-doo."

I'm not having this conversation with you.

Mom?

Listen, princess,

You don't want him to get lost in the weeds

Trying to find the pumpkin patch.

Have you ever heard the expression,

"does the carpet match the drapes?"

Only when shopping for carpeting or drapes.

Well, just so you know,

Practically nobody has carpeting anymore.

Just a tiny little area rug near the entry way.

Look, I have no interest in pouring hot wax

On my lady business and ripping all the hair out.

18 months, four days, five hours, sweetie.

I can have that wax heated up lickety split.

And then he can get at it lickety split.

All right, maybe a little off the sides.

But we should probably have a safe word.

Well, I always just scream, "ouch, my hoo-hah!"

Right this way.

Why you walking funny?

I pulled a muscle at the gym.

Feeling the burn, huh?

You have no idea.

Here we are. Chez mike.

After you, my lady.

Thank you, sir.

The humble digs of an honest cop.

Very ni-- oh!

Very nice. I love the hardwood floors.

Yeah, when I first moved in, it was wall-to-wall shag.

Took two guys all day to yank that stuff up.

They were tearing' and pulling'...

I get it, I get it, I get it.

So, how long have you lived here?

I found this place a few years ago.

It's a funny story. It was actually a crime scene.

Murder-suicide.

Gay couple. Been together since the '70s,

Hence the shag carpeting.

Anyway,

I guess one of the fellas came home

From a seven-day carnival cruise

And found the other one in flagrante

With what was either a man or a woman.

All we found was a bloody footprint

From a size 16 cha-cha heel.

I guess that story's more tragic than it is funny.

As murder-suicides tend to be.

Would you like a glass of champagne?

Not right now.

Yeah, probably not a good idea.

The bubbles make me a little gassy.

How 'bout we just talk?

Sure, talking's good.

Oh, I forgot the strawberries.

You want a strawberry?

No, thank you. You sure?

They're the big ones. Size of your fist.

Like a bowl of big, red baby heads.

I'm fine for now.