The Watch

Is this heaven? It's hell.

(SHOUTING) I am with someone!

Sorry.

Oh. They're an absolute nightmare today.

Is this death?

Obviously.

How did I... How did I get here?

Watch, Sam Vimes, watch.

Stop, citizen.

Sam, what are you doing here?

It's just a patrol.

You know him?

- You said only the captain. - You said you'd do it.

What's the matter with you? You've been in there a month.

As long as people that are dead have all the power,

we stay in the gutter.

You made a promise.

Keep it.

Get our brothers and sisters out of there.

Finish off Keel.

Do I have to watch all this again?

Actually, you do.

What happened to Sergeant Swires?

Carcer Dun.

Got your whole gang locked up.

Not my whole gang.

One of them works for you.

Is that why you joined up?

- Do it, Sam. - Don't listen, Sam.

- Come home. - He is home.

Who saved you from the streets?

Kept you alive.

The Watch is just another gang.

See, that's where you're wrong, Sam.

The Watch is hope, justice.

It could save this city as could Sam.

In 20 years' time, he'll become a captain.

An inspiration. A symbol of good.

You...

...have the right to remain silent.

Where were we with this?

Are you paying attention, Vimes?

Help! Help me!

The kid's insane.

I told you to watch.

I'm gonna piss on you.

Oi, stop that thief, mate.

Just hold it right there.

Hey, hey! Stop him!

Sergeant Detritus.

Captain, where is your suspect?

He got away.

Again.

We'll get him next time.

Let's go get pissed.

Hey, stop! Thief!

You're dead, you know that? Dead.

What is wrong with you?

I'm Constable Carrot Ironfoundersson.

Just transferred in from the Copper Red mountains.

Stop struggling.

We'll be at The Watch House, soon.

- We're going to The Watch House? - Is that okay with you?

- (LAUGHING) - All right. Laugh it up.

See if it's so funny in a few years

when you're doing hard time in there.

Welcome to the home of Ankh-Morpork's finest crime fighters.

You get anything other than fresh air and flowers in the mountains?

Like, news maybe?

(WALK LIKE AN EGYPTIAN BY THE BANGLES PLAYS)

Wow.

There's more pigeons than police in here.

It's the ring of Vulgaris.

Only find that blossom in the mountains.

You're late, Constable.

Corporal Angua.

Got a detective on our hands.

I caught this bag snatcher.

I'll take him down to the cells.

A punishment for laying his hands on me.

- His death. - What?

I wanna watch the execution.

Am I missing something?

Don't forget your swag.

Vetinari will hear of this.

He's head of the Thieves' Guild.

But he stole in broad daylight.

They're allowed to steal.

Welcome to Ankh-Morpork.

What exactly do we do here?

My Lord, he's here.

And I'm afraid he's brought his troll.

Look, go easy on the floor tiles, Sarge.

Don't worry. I've lost weight since the last time.

Yes, that's quite far enough, Sergeant Detritus.

I'm sorry to interrupt your very important work, Vimes.

But perhaps you could explain to me

why the head of the Thieves' Guild

said he was arrested...

...for stealing.

Uh, mistakes are a mistake.

No, the allegation was very clear.

Constable Ironfoundersson.

Ah, well, there you go, sir.

No one of that name in The Watch.

- So we'll go about my duties. - Captain. Captain.

The new boy. The dwarf.

Oh.

Come here, Vimes.

Go on.

- Your... - Hmm?

Oh. Sorry.

- A moment. - I know you feel your status

couldn't get any lower

in this city after the growth of the guilds.

And that you have...

...catastrophic low self-esteem.

- (ZIPPER CLOSING) - (SIGHS SOFTLY)

But I want you to marshal all the resources at your disposal.

The Librarian from Unseen University

has reported that a book has been stolen from his shelves.

He says that it's very red.

Popular title, sir.

The colour, Vimes. Red scalehide.

So, uh, you want me to use

all the resources at my disposal

to find a library book?

This is very serious, Vimes.

A Librarian's happiness is at stake.

And he insists that it was stolen, not lost.

Well, I'll... I'll...

...give it all I've got, sir.

Send for the stonemason, would you?

The troll has wrecked my floor again.

Let's go.

Uh-huh. Got you.

Eyes down, ears on me.

- Constable... - Carrot.

My name's not because of my hair, you know.

My body shape tapers down from my shoulders.

What I'll tell you is more interesting and it'll keep you alive.

Twenty years back, there was a massive crime wave.

Gangs running so wild, The Watch couldn't keep up.

So Vetinari brought the ancient guilds

out of the shadows and legalised them.

Figured if crime's gonna be so normal,

might as well organise it yourself.

You want to steal, join the Thieves' Guild.

Need somebody killed, go to the Assassins' Guild.

Where I'm from, that's murder.

Here they call it information.

Even leave a receipt.

As long as everyone keeps within their quotas,

crime stays lower than it's ever been.

And The Watch?

They'll have to work twice as hard to cut crime.

All the guild's got to do is...

Work less.

Breed them smart in the mountains.

Bet no dwarf criminal saw the sun when you were around.

Well, actually, I'm a dwarf.

Also not a dwarf. I was adopted,

but I've got the best deduction rate of anyone in my unit.

- 23 colours. - I'm sure.

Well, also not.

You won't be taking anyone down here.

It's a good gig for laying low.

I didn't come here to lay low.

I came here because

Captain Sam Vimes personally requested my presence.

Really? All the way from the mountains?

The blossom.

It took me five days to hike down here from home.

How come you can still smell it on me?

Are bar fights illegal?

Depends who's fighting. Hey!

Really?

Let's go. Come on, let's get out of here.

Angua!

Say this for the new boy, Captain.

Taking a long time to get himself killed in there.

You're coming with me, drug-dealing scum.

What are you doing, Constable?

You're Captain Vimes?

But you were trying to urinate on that dog.

Pissed on another dog, sir?

It was pissing on me first, Angua.

We're really gonna nail that wee bastard.

Uh-huh.

This man was carrying a large supply

of the narcotic I believe you call Slab.

He freely admits to it.

And to the trafficking of the drug.

Wait.

This too?

Hong. Alchemist Guild. 12:42.

You gonna execute him?

Sir, his dispute with another Alchemist

has led to public disorder and damage.

Surely both within our jurisdiction.