What We Do in the Shadows

Once we clear Keasbey,

it's a straight shot down the Garden State Parkway

until we hit the Pine Barrens.

And let me tell you,

the Pine Barrens is some forest primeval shit.

Sean has invited us to his family's cabin

in the New Jersey woodlands.

- The Pine Barrens. - Which is the same thing.

- For a weekend hunting trip. - We vampires

do not hunt.

Of course we fucking do. We hunt humans.

Does that count, though?

Nothing wrong

with a long weekend away from the ladies.

"We dem boys," am I right?

- Yes. - Indeed, but remember,

Nandor and I need to be back

no later than 5:00 a. M. On Sunday.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have jobs at the railroad.

You're like a broken record, Laz.

Yes, we them boys who work at the railroad.

You know,

that kid looks like the spitting image of Colin Robinson.

It's like Little Baby Dilbert over here.

Well, as we mentioned before,

Colin Robinson is the child's uncle,

so according to genetics, that story makes perfect sense.

Yeah, whatever. Hey, cornbread,

what you playing back there?

- Oh, no. What the fuck... - Oh, it's a game called

"Welcome to Bloxburg," and it's a game on Roblox

and you can build your own house

or get a job like a pizza maker or woodcutter

or insurance adjust...

You look very nice in the bath. Look at you.

- Thank you, honey. - With the boys being away

on this hunting trip with Sean,

it is just so... nice

to have the house to myself for a change.

To ourselves. There's two of us.

Oh, yes. Of course.

It's really nice to have the whole house to myself,

for once.

Since Nandor, Laszlo, Nadja and Baby Colin are all gone,

I get to choose what I want to do for a change.

We really needed a break from Laszlo, Nandor, Gizmo,

and the small weird creature

that clawed its way out of the abdominal cavity

of our deceased former friend Colin Robinson.

It's rare that anyone leaves me alone,

so I'm gonna have my family over tomorrow night.

I've been putting it off for, like...

12 years?

This house, it can be a lot of male energy.

Oh.

I mean, duh.

So while they're off in the forest,

we will be having a good, old-fashioned

sloppy girls' night at home.

- Yes. - And you know,

I think the weekend will be very good for the boys, too.

Did you want to help with the bags?

I wasn't planning to, no.

- Okay, thank you. - Thank you.

Laszlo and Nandor have been bickering a lot recently.

You know, for the past one or two or...

actually, about 80 years.

You want to help with the door?

I wasn't planning to, no.

- Okay, thank you. - Thank you.

It's good

that they're going to have a chance to reconnect.

Put all the bags in there, all right?

Eesh.

Now, that up there,

I got that when I was 14.

Took me nine shots, but I got it.

First time I ever saw something die.

But it wouldn't be the last.

Well, marksmanship clearly runs in the family.

That's a very impressive collection of firearms.

Oh, yeah. Well, it's mostly my granddad's.

He started collecting them when he bought the cabin

from this Polish guy he used to bowl with,

you know, before the cataracts.

It's always sad when a Polish fellow gets cataracts.

No, I think what Sean is saying

is that his grandfather got the cataracts,

which is why he could no longer do bowling

with the Polish fellow.

Actually, the problem was...

No, no, hold on, Sean. No.

The Polish fellow got the cataracts,

ending his bowling career,

cutting his income,

forcing him to sell this cabin, clearly.

The problem with Laszlo

is that he cannot admit that there's something

that even he does not know.

He thinks that he knows all things.

And if there's one thing I cannot abide,

it is someone who's a know-it-all-things.

- Actually... - If I could just take a moment, Sean,

I know a thing or two about fellows,

and I would say it is more than likely

that the Polish fellow

went bowling with other fellows for fun

and not for his livelihood.

Nandor's problem is

he has a bird-sized brain in a mammoth-sized body.

Wouldn't you say?

Well, you see, that theory betrays an ignorance...

- Oh... - for the many Polish fellows that have done very well

vis-à-vis bowling competition money.

Agree to disagree.

Boy, do your thing.

Hey, Siri, search "Polish bowlers top cash prize earners."

Okay, I found this on the web for "bowling Polish

top cash prize earners."

- Check it out. - Yes?

It's a Wikipedia page for someone called Daria Pajak.

Read the page.

"Daria Pajak is a professional bowling player

- "from Poland..." - From Poland.

"who competes on the professional women's bowling..."

- That's right, my boy. - Shut up!

- Hey! - Very mature.

Right.

So, what are we doing?

Time for a little hunting of our own.

The most dangerous game--

- Hunting humans... - The hunters become the hunted.

Fucking hell. Stop interrupting me.

Eesh.

I have recently been experimenting

with echolocation.

- Hey, Lazzo, guess what? - What?

I need more Robux to buy gamer wings for my avatar

- because guess what? - What?

- I already have the Gamer Cloak. - Enough.

You're going to scare away the humans.

Silence is the hunter's greatest weapon.

And you're shitting all over it.

Uh, can we go? I'm on eight percent.

You know, you're lucky to have a guy like Lasz

- taking care of you. - I guess.

Sometimes I think that Lazzo doesn't like me so much.

Are you kidding me? He loves you.

He's always saying, "I'm not gonna have you grow up

to be a bald-headed, energy-sucking bore."

Huh, that's why my old man wouldn't let me watch PBS.

Do you think I'm boring?

What? You got your little computer pad,

and a... stick.

And a whole bunch of other neat stuff, right?

What else do you like doing?

Well, I like to go into the basement in the house

and smash holes into the wall with a hammer.

Like, really hard.

Just over and over again.

Just smashing and smashing

and smashing, and I can't help it.

It makes me feel good.

But like, only walls, right?

You don't like, uh... smashing a person or something?

So our evening is off to a wonderful start.

Mrs. Nandor the Relentless has joined us,

and she fits right in. Everybody!

She looks very like a girl from my village

called Celina,

but she's just wearing much less pig skin.

You can do it.

Go me. Go me.

Sometimes you just gotta cool out with your ladies,

have a proper female fuck-about.

Nearly ready. Voilà.

Dang it.

Bienvenidos. Pasen. Gracias.

Adelante.

Thank you for inv...

Oh, no se preocupen de las cámaras,

este, los contraté para que grabaran el...

el cumpleaños de la abuela.

- Feliz cumpleaños. - Muchacho, ay.

Ay, mi hijo. Siempre tan considerado.

Las chamarras, quítensela. Quítensela. Aquí es su casa.

- Look, he's like the butler. - I am not the butler.

I told them that you guys are here making a video montage

for her birthday, so I guess that's what we're doing now.

It looks like Tarzan lives here.

Oh, it's just eco-friendly.

Is your Versace blouse eco-friendly?

- It's real Versace. - You know, they make that

- in menswear too, right? - Yeah. Ha, ha, ha.

Okay, why don't we go upstairs?

Pasen, pasen, pasen.

Oh, careful, there. I-- It's messy.

There's thorns here, so be careful.

Hi.

- Más basura. - Aquí estamos.