Office Uprising

Subtitles by explosiveskull.

For a hundred years,

one company has worked with unparalleled vision

toward the continued safety of our great nation:

Ammotech.

First, we changed the game with the chain-fed machine gun,

as well as Claymore landmines.

Next we taught those Krauts

about another great American pastime:

the barbecue.

Ammotech.

The world's leading innovator

of weapons of mass protection.

Clarence! Hey, listen, I'm super late

and can't find my gate pass anywhere.

I was hoping you could just do me a favor and...

- I gotta have that pass. - Yeah. Of course.

Gate pass. Gate pass. Gate pass.

Yeah, I got it. I got it. Uh...

The thing is, Clarence, I'm a little disorganized this morning.

I see, and - and it's heartbreaking.

I got you a card on your birthday, remember?

It had a cupcake running away from a shitload of candles.

Look, no pass, no entry. At least without TW-100 clearance form.

Dude, don't make me fill out that one giant form...

No access to the premises without valid ID.

- Prohibited. - Thanks, Clarence.

Next birthday, no card.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh. Hey. Brimble. Accounting.

- Accounting. - Yeah. I know.

Okay. Thanks, Tony.

Wait, wait. Wait, wait. Wait, wait.

Door is open.

- Dezzy Des. - Sammy Sam.

Once again fighting a losing battle with Mondays.

Once again busting my balls.

Well, somebody has to do it. You haven't been on time for anything since...

- ...ever - Not true.

2012. NYU. Totally on time for your graduation ceremony.

After you went out the night before and got so drunk

that you puked during my speech.

Don't take that as a criticism. It was a brilliant speech.

Ever think that maybe my problem here

is that I'm just not being properly incentivized?

Of course you are. You get to hang out with me every day.

Give me your hand. Give me your hand.

So you can at least try to be on time.

Uh, thanks.

My gift to you.

Helen, I'll need to remain undisturbed

throughout my meetings today.

Also, excellently tidy workspace.

Love the lipstick.

I'll take my green juice in five minutes.

- Hello? - Good morning, Desmond.

Step into my office, please.

Sure thing, Mr. Nusbaum.

Helen, hi. No, no, no. Please don't get up.

Don't get up. Don't get... Oh.

Really, I could get the door myself if...

You know, it's really not the assistant's job to do that.

Anymore.

That's very kind of you, and thank you.

Thanks for walking me. That was great. Thank you.

- Morning. - You're late.

Uh, yeah. I ran into some trouble at the guard gate and...

Yes, I've noticed that tardiness is

a recurring motif in your life,

- but actually I don't care. - Hmm.

I've called you in here regarding the merger.

- Merger? - Yes.

Merger, as in to merge,

connect, conjoin, couple or harness.

Who are we mergering with?

- Altria. - The cluster bomb guys.

No, that would be Benevolencia.

Altria makes the VX gas,

weaponized anthrax, and of course...

the all-terrain jet ski.

Boy, they've had a great year.

We might get a leg up on them if we develop

an all-terrain jet ski that shoots weaponized anthrax.

Possible. I'll email Development.

By the by, R and D has been banging down my door

regarding the Clayton report.

Now, what is the ETA on that exactly?

On its way.

Excellent. Well, whichever of those is your best foot,

I suggest you put it forward, Desmond,

because I can assure you that not all of us

are going to be here at the end of the week.

Goodbye.

Desmond.

Psst.

Desmond.

You get fired or what?

Not as far as I know.

I got a cousin at Altria.

They already laid off half of their accounting staff.

You know what that means. Half of us are going, too.

It's already started.

Meg's desk is empty. Heard she got axed last night.

Worst part. Her severance package:

an Ammotech T-shirt.

A fucking T-shirt?

My Uncle Usef warned me about this.

He said America is nothing but downsizing, heart disease,

and billboards that give you an unnatural desire for white women.

- Why did I not listen? - Why did I not listen?

- I keep saying that to myself. - I was told not to work here.

Guys. Hey!

Relax, okay.

We don't know for sure,

so let's just assume everything's gonna be fine,

and hey, if it does happen, you know what they say:

When one door opens, another door closes.

What?

I got that backwards. When one door...

See you, bitches.

Hey, Lentworth.

No offense, but... but you're really fucking old,

and nobody really knows what you do here anyway,

so if anyone's gonna go, it's gonna be you

or Johnny Jihadi over here.

Marcus, the racist, moronic statements you're making

are no match for the wall of serenity

I've created around myself.

You know what I really miss, Mohammed?

Wearing my shoes at the airport.

One, uh, my name is Mourad, okay.

And two, I grew up in Jakarta,

which is a long way from the Middle East,

- and three, for the billionth... - You're a pacifist,

one who just happens to work at a weapons company.

- Come on. - I have student loans.

Yeah, whatever. If the ax is gonna fall,

it's gonna fall on one of you bitches.

Now, me, I'm co-deputy regional manager.

I'll probably be promoted.

Well, it helps that you're Mr. Gantt's nephew,

That's true. So who's it gonna be?

Well, I...

I can't get fired. I got a... I got a mortgage,

alimony, two kids in college.

Viagra's a fortune. Oh, God.

I'm so screwed.

I am so screwed.

See, what you need to do is you just grab a key

and you stab someone's ass to death with it.

That's the only way you're gonna keep a job.

Make a choice.

Lentworth.

- Step into my office, please. - Ooh, too late.

I think my old boss is still at Fishsticks.

- I can still make fish. - Good luck.

Dr. Frohm. Line 1.

Hey, Mr. Corn to Sean Penis.

- Hello? - It's Dr. Frohm.

Get your ass down to R and D right now.

How to survive a day at Ammotech.

One. Always have a clipboard in hand.

The busier you look, the more invisible you become.

- Hey, Des, uh... - Step two.

If you get cornered, know the lingo.

Desmond!

We got a problem with our purchase orders over in R and D.

I can totally get you those CPCs. Just draft an RFP

and we can reconvene AEOD for some THC. Cool?

Sure.

THC?

All right, let's start pissing brain juice.

Sloganball time. Maxwell.

The M26 Mega-Taser.

50,000 volts of stopping power.

Nice slogan. Sloganize me, Bertrand.

Uh, M26. It will zap until you crap.

- Yeah. - Hear! Hear!

Three. When others try to pull you in,

do not give them anything useful

or they'll expect it every time.

Desmond!

Sloganize me.

Uh, sure.

The M26 Mega-Taser.

A lot more gentle than a Glock.

- I don't... - Yes.

- It's kinda medium. - Good try, man.

Not the best idea I've ever heard, but okay.

Go back to the mailroom, you loser.

- It's a bad idea. - Unless you want me to hire this moron,

start coming up with real ideas.

Four.

Remember, the higher the office,

the bigger the douchebag.

Take the sales dudes for example.

The V- 22 will turn that target into toothpaste.

Very good choice, my friend. See you soon.

Boom! I just fucked that clown in the ass.

What's up, Hofnagle? Let me show you how I just did that.