Me and Mrs Jones

# We spend all our time lying side by side

# Going nowhere

# It's really something

# Getting dizzy, doing nothing

# We spend all our time

# Running for our lives

# Going nowhere It's really something

# Getting dizzy, doing nothing

# Getting dizzy, doing nothing. #

"So, erm, Billy..." Yeah, good, keep it casual.

"Erm, I was wondering, could I, erm..." No, no, no.

"Can I." Yes.

"Erm, can I have a word about the incident in the bathroom last night?"

No, no, not "incident".

It's not a crime scene, erm, more of an awkward misunderstanding. Yes, good.

"Which could have come across as a, erm, a thingy.

"But it wasn't a thingy. But it could have looked like one.

"Erm, but it wasn't. OK?"

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh! Oh, bloody blimey!

Oh!

Oh my God! Sorry!

Oh! Oh no! Oh! Did you see anything?

No!

- Sure? - Yes.

- Not that I'm Pamela Anderson. - I know! - What?

Sorry, I didn't mean because I'd seen your...

What I'm meaning is, clothes do seem anatomically correct,

you know, in proportion to your...

Thanks, I think. Right, I'm decent.

Oh, hair! It's nice.

Thank you.

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Anyway, Billy, yes, erm, I'm glad you're back.

Not for any weird reason or... Look, can I have a word about...?

- It's fine, don't worry about it. - Well, you don't know what I was going to say yet.

You were going to apologise for pushing me into the bathroom

when I was half naked last night. Forget it. It's no big deal.

I would say it happens all the time, but it doesn't.

Ah, you're back, mate. Just in time.

Right, Mum, me and Billy are going to the twins' parents' evening.

- We are? - There's going to be a lot of fit older women there,

MILFs, my friend, and you know what they're gagging for, don't you?

- All of this! - BURPS

I'm sure an undisturbed night's sleep and full-time child-care would be preferable.

I bet I snog a MILF before you do.

In fact, let's make it interesting.

First person to snog a MILF wins, loser gets the drinks in.

Hang on, mate. Mum, did you make these cupcakes?

Yeah.

Right, well if you two are coming, then you'd better get a wiggle on.

Jason and Inca have got the girls and I'm meeting them there in half an hour.

Prepare to be paying for the beers, my friend, because you're looking at an older woman's dream come true.

Well, it's true! Believe it. Women find me uncomfortably sexy.

- Yeah, I'm not sure that's a good thing. - Oh, it is, Mum. It is.

You're going to have someone's eye out with those, mate.

I've got overly prominent nipples, as you well know.

I'm not ashamed!

Talking to me?

You talking to me?

Ain't nobody else here. Talking to me?

Who are you talking to, Jason?

No-one. Come on, love, we're going to be late.

Gemma's going to kill me if we don't get the girls there on time.

Wow!

Erm, is that an appropriate look for a school function?

Jason, I will not restrict my natural Nordic style.

Express it, not suppress it. You will want to be losing the dated blouson back-pleated leather bomber jacket.

You are looking like Jeffrey Clarkson.

There's nothing wrong with that. And it's JEREMY Clarkson.

No, I love this jacket. I'm just trying to express my idea of...

Enough, so I'm blocking my ears to you.

Charlotte! Yes, we go.

Your dad is going to birth mice if we're late.

Let the games begin, my friend.

See you inside.

Can I assist you, fair maiden, with those?

Hmm, thank you. Yes, and you'll need to make four more trips to the car.

Oh God! Mine looks like road kill, doesn't it?

No!

Yeah.

Knew it.

BELL RINGS

Have you seen Flynn?

He's run off in his Grim Reaper costume waving a pork chop around.

Ooh, hello!

Hello.

Fran, Billy, Alfie's friend. Billy, Fran.

Nice to meet you. Haven't you got good eyes and a good face and...

And thank you, Fran.

And I'll take these in for you.

Hmm. Have you snogged him?

What?!

No, of course not!

I mean, no.

What would Alfie think?

- I'm sure he'd be pleased for his mum. - Really?

Yeah, Tom's gorgeous.

Oh, Tom! Yes, no, Tom. Yes, good.

Oh my God, you did more than snog Tom, didn't you?

- You have the sex glow. - No, I don't.

- Well, either that, or you've got cystitis again. - Neither.

Oh, you've got that naughty twinkle in your eye.

- Oh, it's probably a stye. - Oh, please say you at least snogged Tom.

Oh, fine. He kissed me in the ear.

Interesting! Did he use his tongue?

Oh, now that's the sort of guy who could blink and make you orga...

- Excuse me. - ..Organism.

Your son Flynn has been observed drinking from a toilet bowl.

Well, did he flush first?

Erm, yeah.

Well, that's fine then.

OK, OK, I'll go and get my son.

It's meant to look like that.

# My heart skips...

# Skips...skips...a beat... #

# Oh oh, oh oh! #

Move it, you numpty!

Close your ears, girls, your daddy is being head crazy again.

Jason, a balanced diet rich in Omega 3 fish oil reduces stress and hostility.

Or are you wanting a heart explosion?

I'm not eating fish juice.

What are you thinking the virility tonic I'm making you drink is?

Ugh.

CAR HORN BEEPS

Hiya.

Oh no, the Nigellas! That's the last thing I need.

- They look OK to me. - Oh, don't be fooled by their Yummy Mummy exterior.

They're actually a bunch of judgemental cashmere pashmina-wearing monsters.

Oh.

- They're going to love this. - Come on, I'll hold your hand.

I don't need you to hold my hand. I'm not a...

- I didn't mean... - I thought you came here to pull MUFFS with Alfie?

I think you mean MILFS.

Hi, Gemma.

Oh.

Wowee! Interesting cake.

Thank you.

No, it wasn't a compliment. It was an observation.

Hi, guys.

Hey!

Tom!

- I say, Billy, would you mind? - No, of course.

Thank you.

Bloody done it again, haven't I? I've overdone the cake thing.

It's just that Poppy and I had such a fabulous week creating it, I...

No, Tom, it's wonderful.

I wish I could cook like that, it's really fantastic,

it's like a work of art. Not like mine.

Mine's more Damien Hirst, "Stuffed Bloated Cat Run Over By A Truck."

Not "Woodland Wonderland Family Wedding Day."

Is that the fire alarm?

When I was reprimanding the class yesterday,

Flynn put up his hand and asked if the reason

I was in a bad mood was because I was due for my pyramid.

He is very attuned.

He wants me to call him "Butch".

- Well, he must really like you. - I have no doubt of that, Mrs Taylor. - Miss.

Because he told me that when I die,

he wants me to buried outside his bedroom window.

Oh no! Oh my God!

Oh wicked, my sisters are orange!

What the...? I mean, how?!

Oh, you!

Sorry we're late. I heard you were back.

Jason, can I have a small word?

- High fives. Down, boom! - Boom!

I'm not sure about your hair, girls.

What the hell happened?

We got held up. Some idiot driving like a girl's bra.

- No, what happened to Charlotte and Jess? - What do you mean?

What do I mean? They're orange, Jason!

In case you hadn't noticed.

- Well, Inca did it. - They show it to us at the beauty academy,

- how to turn people sun-kissed. I'm using taupe. - Hmm, nice.

Sun-kissed? They look like over made-up Space Hoppers!

They have a healthy look.

And Gemma, the tanning lotion has anti-ageing properties.

Anti-ageing? They're ten!

Exactly. No need to thank me.

Look, Mum. I've got fake nails. See?

Oh, you both look good enough to eat!

This is too much.

- Lying down. - Lying down.

Wow, that's impressive.

Yeah, my daughter made it.

We papier-mache'd her cousin, Griffin Junior.

We gave him a straw to breathe through, obviously.

Oh, obviously.

So, I expect Gemma has been walking around on cloud nine since our date?

Ah...

My feet have barely touched the ground.

You know, underneath all the mess is a really super woman.

LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Real knee-buckler of a kiss.

Oh, right.

I know it's bad form for a chap to talk about such matters,

but it gave me a slight pinching in the gut.

I'm feeling a bit punch-drunk and giddy about the whole thing.

That's great, Tom.