Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging

For the zillionth time, dad, I'm an adult.

You don't have to stalk me.

Georgia, I said I'm dropping you off.

Now, just take off that shell and get in the car.

Dad, my costume is the business.

I don't want it to get crushed.

You look fantastic, love.

I just don't want you walking around the streets on your own.

Do you have any idea how long it took to get this right?

I have to make an entrance.

What's that?

And what are you supposed to be? An obese leprechaun?

Anyone can see I'm a stuffed olive.

Stuffed is right.

What happened to you, Ellen?

You were supposed to come as a cocktail sausage.

Well, my mum said no, her being a vegetarian and all.

Jas? Cheese and pineapple stick?

Well, the cheese made me look fat and yellow washes me out.

I didn't know how to be a vol au vent .

But we said we'd all go as hors d'oeuvres to be original.

It was supposed to be a laugh.

But boys don't like girls for funniness.

Sorry, Georgia.

- Wait, Georgia. - Georgia, don't go.

Georgia!

Georgia, what are you doing?

You'll be late for your first day back at school.

I'm coming.

Georgia, mummy wants you.

Libby.

Flip, flipper and flipping hell!

Excuse me. It's very grotesque.

If you don't mind?

Cheeky.

Libby, stop putting Angus in the fridge.

What do you want for breakfast, munchkin?

Stuffed olive?

Darling.

Just because I did something...

so beyond the Valley of Sad City last night...

it doesn't give you the right, as my parents...

to humiliate me further.

Today is the first day of my life as the new Georgia.

And who is she, my little elf?

She's not an "elf".

Not a munchkin.

She is a mature, sophisticated woman called Ms Georgia Nicolson.

So, to celebrate the new me...

I've decided what I want to do for my birthday party this year.

I want a proper party...

in a club with a D.J.

You're not old enough to get into a club...

never mind hire one out for a party.

If you haven't noticed, I'm a woman now.

I wear a bra!

Good God.

Are you really trying to damage me permanently?

There's no way that you are having a party in a club...

where there's drinking, and it's full of randy men.

What sort of parents do you think we are?

Do you really want me to answer that?

That's enough, missy.

- Why would we damage you? - We made you.

Honestly, Georgia, this attitude is...

Welcome to the tragic universe that is my sad life.

Why? I'll give you five major reasons why.

Number one, my parents are from the Stone Age.

- No us, no you. - God knows what you'd do.

- You understand? - Yeah.

Number two, they hate me having a life...

because theirs are practically over and mine's just starting.

- And it's not good enough. - Honestly. Every year...

Number three. My little sister's bonkers.

Poor Angus will need even more therapy than me.

- A lot of trouble! - Because of your fifteenth birthday.

Number four, my nose is the size of Jupiter.

- I need to go into an ugly home. - Georgia.

What have you gone and done now?

How did you manage to pluck them all so quickly?

You haven't, have you?

Crikey. Bob, she shaved them.

Number five, I'll never get a boyfriend.

What's the hurry with growing up so fast?

Why don't you just enjoy being 14?

Enjoy being 14?

How twisted is that?

And if home isn't mental enough...

I have to spend all day at this loony bin...

or as some people call it, school.

Sometimes I think Jas and I are the only normal people here.

That's Dave the Laugh.

Why do they even call him that?

Okay, now get this one.

Boys are such a mystery.

- How was that? - Nicolson!

The Bummer Twins are the school bullies.

- Twice as mean. - What?

Twice as mingy.

Lindsay Slag Marling from the year above.

She really is Miss Slag of the Century.

And where did she get those bazoomas?

How did they grow that fast?

Two minutes to lessons, children.

Let's not start the term with a detention, Nicolson.

Our headmistress, Slim, likes to oppress me...

because I caught her once with her skirt in her knickers.

I laughed so much I nearly fainted.

Hey, guys!

Luckily I've got my Ace Gang...

to fill in the long hours before we get released.

Christmas tree.

D.J.

Ellen, Rosie, Jas and moi.

Now, when your hands are numb...

you lift them up to your bazoomas and press.

See? It feels like someone else is touching them...

not your own hands, right?

Freakilicious.

I could get used to this.

I don't think we should be doing this.

It's kind of lesbiany.

Well, you asked me what it was like to be felt up.

So, what's the best thing about having a boyfriend then?

It just feels really natural.

You know, really grown up.

And the snogging is wicked.

Sven uses varying pressure.

That's what foreign boys do.

My parents snog occasionally. Even at their age.

Cringey.

Seeing old people over the age of 30, snogging is just horrific.

Of all of the boys I've ever snogged, Sven is definitely the best.

Because he's emotional.

Where have you got to on the snogging scale?

What?

Jas and I invented today, a snogging scale.

The Ten Stages of Snogging.

- You're mad. - No.

It's scientific.

How would you know anything about it?

Please.

Who got 82 percent in Bio?

True.

We cut out all the letters about kissing...

from the problem pages of every girls' magazine.

So, it starts with level one, holding hands.

Two, arms around waist.

Three, good night kiss.

Four, kiss lasting over three minutes without breath.

Five, open mouth kissing.

Number six, tongues.

My God.

Seven, upper body fondling outdoors.

Eight...

Oh, my God.

I've gone all jelloid.

Who are those fitties?

They're well beyond fit, they're lush.

They are sex gods.

They must be newbies.

Ace Gang, it's boy-stalking time.

Ladies?

- They have mushy peas and chips. - Yeah, definitely.

I want them!

You're here. You're late.

Get changed. We're going on a family outing.

Do we have to?

What do you mean, do we have to?

You used to love doing things with the family.

Georgia, don't start, not tonight.

We're going to the Bonker's Buffet and your granddad's coming as well.

Look out.

Oh, no.

They're Granddad's teeth.

Granddad's teeth.

So, the sex gods are twins.

That's wonderful.

Marvy.

But they're not identical.

Obviously, Jas.

They're two years above us.

Jackie's got Geography with the one called Tom.

She says he just moved here from London.

London!

I knew they were cosmopolitan.

Apparently their family just opened an organic shop on the high street.

Dishy and nutritious.

So, G, Tom or Robbie? Which brother do you want?

- What about me? - El, we saw them first.

That's not fair!

Ellen, you have to be emotionally sorted to be ready for a boyfriend.

Jas and I are there.

We even devised a snogging scale.

That proves it.

We have to know ourselves, to see how boys see us.

Can you handle that?

Okay, so it's time for the Physical Attractiveness Test.

Finished.

You lot are so sweet. I got mostly eights for everything.