Cooper's Bar

Man: Is that even you?! The studio exec said

your latest headshot or the deal's off!

That's the best photo of me that has ever been taken.

Yeah. It looks like you're going to a disco in Brooklyn in 1977.

Sorry, I'm not one of these actors who every time

they hit a rough patch, they go and get a new headshots.

Well, you could have got one in the right decade at least.

Did you audition for "Scarface"?

People know who I am. They want me, they can find.

We're not talking about the IRS!

We're talking about studio execs!

Antonia's bosses need to know who she's fighting for.

The only way this show happens.

Right. Set up a shoot. I'm available all next week.

Brandon's bringing a photographer over ... today.

What?

This is bullshit!

Ah, this is bullshit.

So this is the Glendale version of Annie Leibovitz?

Oh, this is more than just a photographer.

It's a bloody photo booth!

It comes with amazing props!

You know, they generally fire mall cops

for stealing the photo booth!

I am not just a mall cop!.

I'm the executive in charge of social media for Cooper's Bar.

Oh ...

You laugh!

But you know the kid with the crazy nails

that came into the bar?

That's Billy Canasta.

He's a huge influencer.

And that new collab house next door,

Flex House, has 20 million followers.

Oh, and he's on "Who's Got Krabz?"

Both: That's Billy Canasta!

Of course! I was flipping sure

he was the one that got crabs last week!

I always get that wrong.

That post he made of Cooper's Buffalo wings

has been shared 100,000 times.

Cooper's is blowin' up!

Come on! I feel like I'm at a peep show.

Maybe give him some direction.

Yeah.

Oh, here comes the direction.

Have you ever seen a shark

stalking a hermit crab?

No.

Think, "Magnum, P.I."

Big mustache, little shorts.

You couldn't direct sick into a bag.

Coop, mate, just give us

something for the studio, please.

Then admit you want something more bullshit!

You want funzo Cooper, right?

Ah!

How about this one,

De Niro as Frankenstein.

Aah!

Glamour, Cooper! Yeah! Put that on!

And with the hat.

Scary Cooper.

Less Chucky, More "Friday the 13th."

They owe you money.

Runway model. There you go.

Ta-da! We're taking it to a whole nother level.

I look like an undertaker.

You look like a barman.

Which is how Cooper Marino needs to look

If Cooper Marino is going to play Cooper Marino.

Woman: Cooper Marino will never play Cooper Marino.

You jizzwads.

I sent my semi-illiterate

dildo of development over here

with just one job ... just get Cooper Marino

to sign over his life rights.

But she says Cooper Marino won't sign the deal

unless we guarantee that he plays the lead.

That's a gross mischaracterization

of what happened.You would think that you don't

tell the rights holders your plans

until after you get their signature.

But here we are.

If you want this show to happen, you need to sign this deal.

I didn't say I wouldn't sign.

I just have a couple of comments.

Well, we've upped the offer to $10,000,

so I assume that addresses your comments.

Not about the money, Kris.Okay.

You can have meaningless consultation

on all creative matters, but the studio gets final say.

Our people never go for that.

Your people? We threw your people out

in the Revolution, you tea-sipping redcoat.

So how about you shut your hole or I'm calling ICE.

Hey, that's racist! David is not an illegal alien.

I'm just waiting for the divorce to come through.

Then I can marry an American.

Oh! They must be lining up around the block

for a 50 year old Uber driver!