Seinfeld

Monkeys are really the end of the line in the pet world.

I think when you're at the monkey level of pet ownership,

have a kid. I mean, come on.

I mean, you're so close.

If you need a pet that can roller skate and smoke cigars,

it's time to think about a family.

Monkeys, of course, were the first astronauts in the '60s,

which, I'm sure, made perfect sense in the monkey brain.

"I feel that is the next logical step for me

"because I've been workin'

"with the Italian guy and the crank organ,

and I think I'm ready to handle the maximum reentry G-forces."

Take toilet paper, for example.

Do you realize that toilet paper

has not changed in my lifetime?

It's just paper on a cardboard roll.

That's it.

And in 10,000 years,

it will still be exactly the same,

because, really, what else can they do?

Yeah, that's true.

There really has been no development in toilet paper.

And, I mean, everything else has changed.

But toilet paper is exactly the same,

and will be so until we're dead.

Yeah, you're right, George.

What else can they do?

It's just paper on a roll, that's it,

and that's all it will ever be.

Wow.

You find this interesting, don't you?

Yes.

Yes, I do.

Oh, thanks very much. The soup was really good.

What are ya tellin' him for?

What?

He's the busboy. You think he cares about the soup?

Yeah, well, wouldn't he want the soup to be good?

Elaine, it's all this guy can do to keep from killin' himself.

Come on.

You think he's back there, talkin' to the chef, goin',

"Hey, they like the soup!

Keep it up!"

Hey, isn't that Alec Berg?

Yep.

Alec Berg.

He's got a good John Houseman name.

Yeah.

Alec Berg.

Mr. Berg.

I can't stand him. He is so pretentious.

John Houseman?

No, Alec Berg.

Elaine!

Hi! Hi.

Jerry. Hi, Alec.

Hey, did you hear about Gary Fogel? Yeah.

You gonna go to the funeral on Friday?

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, did I see you on TV at the Ranger game?

Are those your seats, right behind the glass?

Those are them, yeah. Season tickets.

Uh, you know, unfortunately, I can't go tonight.

So they're available if you'd like to use them.

Oh, I'd love to. Are you sure?

Absolutely. You just call my secretary.

She'll arrange everything.

Gee, thanks. Thanks a lot.

Ah, it's my pleasure.

Be good. Okay.

You know, I actually might not use them on Friday either,

so...I'll let you know.

All right. Thanks again.

Thank you very much.

Really, thank you.

Well, what about these nitwits

that get on a plane with nothin' to read?

Ya know who these people are? Who?

These are the people that wanna talk to you.

They've got nothing else to do, why not disturb you?

I will never understand people.

They're the worst.

Well, what is with you?

Well...

I think this is it.

What's it?

I saw Siena again.

Siena?

Yeah, he's dating a crayon.

We discussed toilet paper.

Toilet paper?

Yep, yep,

I told her how toilet paper hasn't changed in my lifetime

and probably wouldn't change for the next 50,000 years,

and she was fascinated.

Fascinated!

What are you talkin' about?

Yeah.

Toilet paper's changed.

It's softer.

Softer. More sheets per role.

Sheets.

A wide variety of colors. Colors.

All right. Okay. Fine, fine.

It's changed. It's not really the point.

Anyway, uh...

I'm thinkin' of makin' a big move.

What?

I might...tell her that I love her.

Oh, my. Ooh.

I, uh-- I came this close last night,

and then I just-- I just chickened out.

Well...

that's a big move, Georgie-boy.

Are you confident in the "I love you" return?

Fifty-fifty.

'Cause if you don't get that return...

that's a pretty big matzo ball hangin' out there.

Well... I've just gotta say it once.

Everybody else gets to say it.

Wh-wh-why can't I say it?

What? You've never said it?

Once, to a dog.

He licked himself and left the room.

Well, so it wasn't a total loss.

Hey.

Hey! I forgot to tell ya!

I got tickets to the Rangers/Devils playoff tonight.

Oh, I'm there. Monongahela!

What about you, George?

Uh-uh-uh-uh. Can't do it. Can't do it.

Sorry, got a date.

So? So?

No, no, no, if you must know, I...

I would rather be with her than...

Than go to the game.

Ooh!

Well, she must be a very special lady, huh, George?

-Ha! -Yeah.

Well, what do I do with the extra ticket?

Oh, hey! Can I bring David Puddy?

He's a big Devils fan.

Sure, fine with me.

Hey, by the way,

if anybody wants an inside tour of the zoo,

Sienna works there as a trainer.

So she works at the zoo?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, like Dian Fossey, huh?

You know, she's the only person

that's ever been accepted into gorilla society.

And you know, once those gorillas accept you,

you got it made in the shade.

Hey, so how long have you been a Devils fan?

Since I was a kid. I'm from Jersey.

Yeah? Well, we're gonna kick your butts tonight.

Ain't no way, man.

Yes.

We're primed.

All right, you almost ready?

'Cause Jerry and Kramer are gonna be here any second.

What the--?

So what do ya think?

What is that?

I painted my face.

You painted your face?

Yeah.

Why?

Oh, you know, support the team.

Well, ya can't walk around like that.

Why not?

Because...

it's insane?

They gotta know you're there. This is the playoffs.

Yah!

Hey.

Hi.

Dave's, um...

painted his face.

Oh. Yeah, yeah, that's cool.

You gotta support your team, huh?

Okay, ready to go?

Let's get it on!

All right! Go, Devils! Go, Devils!

Let's go, Devils!

Come on!

You stink, Messier!

We're gonna get you, Messy Ass!

Will you sit down?

Hey, man, I'm just tryin' to support the team.

David, will you sit down? You're disturbing everybody. Sit down.

Oh, yeah. 'Cause you're a Rangers fan,

and you know I'm messin' with their heads.

Yeah! Let's go!

Devils' goal!

Stephane Richer scores from just inside the blue line.

And the Devils take--

Well, you know I could have actually gone to that.

So why didn't you?

Well, didn't wanna break our date.