Mr. Iglesias

All right, it's the last day of school. We got five minutes to go over

all of American history.

Wiped out the indigenous people, oppressed the blacks,

did some good stuff around World War II, and now the sun is setting on our empire.

Yeah, I guess we did cover it all.

Yeah, and even some stuff that didn't happen.

- Like... landing on the moon. - Come on!

I really gotta get you off Reddit, Lorenzo.

All right, I see everybody gazing, looking out the window,

ready to go full Braveheart on everyone.

"They might take our lives,

but they'll never take our freedom!"

Sorry, Ms. Thompson!

I didn't mean to scare you!

Oh, that's not gonna end well.

Of course, England did take Scotland's freedom,

and they've had it for over 700 years.

Don't tell Mel Gibson.

Wait, Mel Gibson lost?

Yeah, it was kind of the beginning of a long losing streak for him.

All right, bonus points.

What did America have that Scotland didn't have,

besides men who wear pants?

This is coming from a guy wearing shorts.

I got this. Weapons.

Seriously, Walt? You... You think the Scots got to the battlefield

and were like,

"Hey, Angus, is there something we're forgetting?"

"Oh, no, I got my charger and my Bluetooth speakers."

"What're we forgetting?"

"Weapons!"

America was basically a castle with a 3,000-mile moat.

It's called the Atlantic Ocean.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! Marisol is right once again!

Oh! You're always right. You're worse than my ex.

All right, look, you guys.

It took the British two months to sail food

all the way across to here, all right?

They could've just called Domino's.

Ooh! I'll split a Meatlovers.

My man.

Okay, lightning round.

Who remembers the Monroe Doctrine?

Anyone else?

Go ahead.

In 1823, James Monroe declared any intervention by external powers

in the politics of the Americas a hostile act.

So smart.

James Monroe!

Yeah, Mikey, real smart.

Okay, now, while Monroe is best remembered for his doctrine,

I think he really should be remembered

as the first president with enough courage to say,

"Enough with the powdered wigs."

I mean, seriously. Aside from RuPaul, who thought this was a good look?

Our country was founded by a bunch of dudes

who woke up every morning asking their wives,

"M'lady, have you seen my wig?

I... I can't seem to find... And my powder, I cannot find my powder!

Where is my powder?"

Anyway, we went 200 years

without such a bizarre hairstyle again.

Until now.

We went from powdered wigs to one wig dipped in Cheeto dust.

At ease, y'all.

Oh, hey.

Mr. Iglesias is the cool teacher.

Why can't I be the cool principal, hmm?

- That's not a real question! - Oh!

Hold on! Hold on!

Before you run off and ghost ride your whips,

play dominoes on your stoop, drink your sizzurp...

What is this old beat talking about?

I want you to tell me something you learned this year.

Grace, you wanna make me look good in front of Principal Madison?

Grace talks in front of people now? I thought she had social anxiety.

Uh, she does, but she learned how to talk using the computer.

She's still a little shy, though.

I learned that Principal Madison sometimes cries

in the parking lot in her Ford Fiesta.

Not shy enough.

And for the record, it is a Hyundai Elantra.

And for the record, Grace's Wi-Fi just went bye-bye.

Gabe, I will see you in my office at 11:15.

And some of you, I will see next year.

- Hey, wait, what do you mean, "some"? - We just became sophomores!

Yup! Yup! PE requirements, done!

Everybody have a good summer!

Stay outta trouble!

Don't get caught!

Can I talk to you, Mr. Iglesias?

Being that I'm the only person you speak to out loud, I have to say yes.

I... I wanted to warn you,

Paula's probably a little cranky.

She hasn't been getting a lot of pokes on her dating app,

if you know what I mean.

I know what you mean, but do you know what you mean?

Grace, we talked about your hacking problem.

How about you? Are you on any dating sites?

Uh...

I, uh... Just one.

It's called, uh, "taking time to reflect on my personal mistakes...

dot com."

Have a good summer!

Oh, this is sick!

- 1962 VW Bus. Hippie not included. - Ah!

You can put it on your dashboard for your summer trip.

Oh, thank you. Dashboard? What do you mean, dashboard?

No, I'm putting this in a safety-deposit box.

You know, this is officially the nicest thing I own.

God, I hope you're kidding.

But you deserve it. Thanks for a great year, Mr. Iglesias.

This is cool!

"Hey, come on, man, let's go!"

"I'm hungry." "Well, let's go to Chipotle!"

"Hey, you know that's not real Mexican food."

"I don't care, I'm high."

- Tony! - Hey, bro.

Dude, were you just stealing out of the basket?

No.

Come on, man. This is the GoFundMe for Mr. Hayward's new hip.

I had another bad year at the track.

Oh, big surprise.

You know who doesn't have a bad year at the track?

The track.

Well, you know what they say about gambling.

"Just keep trying."

Eh, sounds like your dating life.

Yeah, well, anyway,

my losing streak... means I gotta teach summer school.

That freakin' sucks, man.

I wish you could go with me on this road trip.

Yeah, man, it'd be like Thelma & Luis.

Ah, there she is. Rookie of the year.

Oh, I don't know about that.

Come on, Abby, you're the only new teacher this year.

If you don't win, that's just sad.

But I can be the strong-but-tender shoulder

for you to cry on.

Ooh! Now I really wanna win.

So, are you excited for your road trip, Gabe?

Yeah.

My bus is all gassed up,

got my '90s Spotify playlist ready with a lot of R&B.

Yeah.

You guys are adorable.

- Yeah, well... - Yeah.

You know who's gonna love you? My fiancé.

Ah, "fiancé," man. Yeah, that's French for "don't put your fry in her ketchup."

- Abby? Nobody's told you? - Hmm? What?

No relationship survives moving to California.

No. You gotta find that special someone...

- here. - Oh.

I hate to agree with him on this one, but yeah.

You know those things you found charming back in South Dakota?

Ah, they just won't measure up here

- in the big leagues. - Uh-uh.

Oh! So, you two are the big leagues?

Yup.

Us and Ryan Gosling.

Hey, Mr. Hayward!

Gabriel. When are you going to start calling me Ray?

What would've happened if we called you Ray

- when you were our teacher? - I would've whipped your asses.

Hey! Hey, who's been dipping in my hip money?

You know, my grandmother had a hip replacement.

Yeah? How's she doing?

Oh, she only used it for a month, so... we got most of our money back.

Hey, you got another year left in you, Mr. Hayward?

The only way I can get out of here without a goddamn party in my honor

is on a gurney with a sheet over my head.

- Great, have a nice summer! - Yeah, yeah.

Don't look at me, boo.

I gotta get a date.

- Do you have any brothers? - Two. But they're married.

Not to each other, that would be weird.

Well, marriage is not necessarily a deal-breaker.

Sneaking around can be an aphrodisiac.

So is honest communication with your partner.

Ah, the history department.

Ms. Spencer, an outstanding teacher.

Aw!

Gabe and Tony,

also teachers.

Aw!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some letters to deliver.

You'd fit right in as a mailman.

Dogs already don't like you.

Captain Tennille, my Bichon Frise, would beg to differ.

Did you rescue him?

No, he rescued me.

So, Helen Stone is taking early retirement this year,

and one of you will be getting her honor students section this fall.

I'll do it.

I can have a syllabus ready by the end of lunch.

And Gabe drives a silly-bus.

Well, I guess that eliminates Tony.

Not yet.

All three of you take your lunch hour and come up with a mission statement

as to why I should pick you,