Greetings

'In South Vietnam,

'communist groups from the North have made their deepest penetration

'into territory of the South so far in the war.

'The enemy used tanks in an ambush today

'against some 200 American Air Cavalrymen

'touching off a four-hour battle near Khe Sanh.

'And this late dispatch from the US command in Vietnam:

'allied troops have killed 243 more Vietcong

'in the vicinity of Saigon, in a battle that is still raging.

'President Johnson told a pro-administration

'labor convention in the nation's capital today,

'that this country will stand firm in Vietnam,

'and at the same time continue to build better conditions in America.

'It sort of took a fellow back to the days of Harry Truman,

'to hear his audience cheer him on with shouts of, "Give 'em hell!"

'as the President defended his record.'

'Now, the America that we are building

'would be a threatened nation

'if we let freedom and liberty die in Vietnam.

'We will do what must be done,

'and we'll do it both at home

'and we'll do it wherever our brave men are called upon to stand.'

'This is the America that we have faith in.

'This is a nation that is building.

'This is a wonderful country that's growing.

'And I hope that you men

'are determined to help us meet these problems.

'I hope you men are determined to see us help get justice,

'not just for ourselves,

'but for all the people of this nation

'and for all the people of the world.

'And I sometimes wonder why we Americans enjoy

'punishing ourselves so much,

'with our own criticism.

'This is a pretty good land.

'I'm not saying you never had it so good.

'But that is a fact, isn't it?'

Which one of you niggers is man enough just to take me on?

- What happened to your face? - Don't touch it.

Oh, gee, what happened?

I got stomped by some spades at 125th Street.

- Why? - What are you fighting spades for?

I'm trying to get out of my pre-induction physical.

- So I tried to get my leg busted. - You picked a fight with 'em?

- Yeah. - Oh, man!

Well, I've got to get out of it somehow.

Well, listen, be cool. I can get you out of it.

We'll do the same thing for you that I did when I went down there a week ago.

Be cool, it's very easy. Er... take your jacket off.

Yeah.

- Those pants are OK, don't you think? - Oh, yeah, they're good.

Tuck your shirt in. All the way around.

- All the way. - Yeah.

- Get it in there. - Now, pull your pants up.

- Pull them way up. - High.

No, man.

Oh, my penis, man!

That's it.

Get the belt.

- Get it like this. - This is killing me, man!

Now let it hang like that.

- Got to get the flap down. - That's too blatant.

- That's good. - Yeah, that's good.

Right, now you need some black lace bikini panties.

- Or silk. - Bikini panties, right. That'll be good.

When you take pants off, this is really important.

Fags, you see, are really Fags are really blatant.

I ain't no fag, man!

No, you don't understand, we're making you a fag for the induction.

- Oh. It's like 'silk-pantsing'? - Right.

It sounded pretty strange for a second.

You want people to focus in on the crucial area.

To scope in on that zone down there.

- Take some Kleenex or a pair of socks. - Oh, yeah.

Take a pair of socks and just stuff them in the silk panties.

Just, er... Just so it bulges.

And then what you need is a kind of a fishnet shirt.

Oh, yeah, big fishnet, yeah.

And then you need like a scarf.

Kind of a big, flowing, silk scarf.

If you're gonna wear those net shirts, you'll have to shave your chest.

You have to shave under your arms.

- Your whole body. - Better use Nair.

So with the hand on the hip and the wrist, just flop the wrist,

just walk right up to the Sergeant, get as close as you can,

and seduce him with your eyeballs and say, "Hi!"

- Do that. - Hey, fellas, get a load of this.

Yeah.

And when he talks to the fellas,

you turn around and look at the fellas too, see?

And give 'em a little sort of wink, a little...

Like that, right? Yeah, you got that?

And then he'll ask you He'll ask what your name is.

- What's your name? - Paul Gerald Shaw.

Gerald...

I got it! When he asks him his name... This is what you say.

What's your name, son?

Paul Gerald Shaw.

The fellas call me Jerry, but you can call me Geranium.

Hey, did you hear that, fellas?

What kind of a name is that? What kind of a name is that, son!

Oh, my friends think I smell like a flower.

Yeah, just like that. And then he'll ask you where you live.

Ask me where I live. This is very important.

- Alright, where do you live, son? - Oh, I live... around.

See, because you've gotta make him believe

that you want to live around with him.

You want to live around with Sarge. That's really crucial.

Then, yeah, he'll turn around to the fellas again, when you say that.

Hey, do you hear that, fellas?

And then, every time he turns around to the fellas,

you turn around them and give them sort of a little...

sexy crinkle with the nose and say, "Hi, fellas."

- Yeah, do that. Can you do that? - I can do all that.

When I get to the end can I say something like...

- "Shall I take my clothes off now?" - That's terrific! That's fantastic!

- That's beautiful! Really great! - It ain't gonna work.

- What do you mean? - It's ridiculous! It ain't gonna work!

- Why not? - Because I can't act like a fag!

And if they believe me, they'll stick me in the frontlines with the rest of the fags!

- What? - Yeah, man!

- They don't draft fags. - Wait, wait. I got an idea.

I've gotta go down next week. I've got an idea, something that I'm gonna do.

- Hey, Lloyd, you be the psychiatrist. - Sure, man.

Come in.

Reporting as ordered, sir.

- Come on, tell me to sit down. - Sit down, son.

Thank you, sir.

Now watch this...

- Request permission to speak, sir. - Go right ahead, son.

Well, sir, I don't know why I'm in here, sir.

The Sergeant out there, a very nice fella, told me to come in and see you.

And there is no reason why I don't want to join the army.

I happen to have been doing some work on the outside in a secret organization

of which I cannot divulge at the moment,

and that's why I haven't joined sooner, sir.

- It's just routine procedures. - Oh, routine, of course, sir.

But we have the same screening process in our organization, sir.

You gotta get that in. Very important.

Now, watch. This is very important.

Sir, that's no way to run an army out there,

you've got niggers, you've got spics, you've got Jews, sir.

Everyone knows about the Jews.

You're not Jewish, are you, sir?

Hey, Paul! You try it, go ahead!

Now look straight ahead, you know, real military.

- Sir, request permission to speak, sir. - That's it, that's it.

Go right ahead, son.

I'm not exactly sure why they sent me in here, sir.

Cos I'm ready to be a fine soldier, sir, ready to kill me a bunch of commies!

Got any personal problems you wanna talk about, son?

No, sir, I ain't got no problems at all, sir!

- That's it. - He's loud.

Now he's gonna ask you what you do, like where you work and stuff like that.

- Ask me where I work. - Where do you work now, son?

Well, sir, I work at a bookstore and this enables me, sir,

to look at all the people, make sure they read right books,

and I always try and suggest books like "The F.B.I. Story", sir.

But I only do this in the day to earn my meager earnings,

to butter my bread and butter.

But at night, my true vocation comes out.

Now, here you go... You've heard of the New York bowling league, sir?

The New York...? You bowl a lot?

No, no, no. The New York bowling league, sir?

- I'm afraid I don't understand, son. - So now you look around the room.

- It's a secret organization, sir. - What do they do?

I don't understand at all, son.

Well, sir, since it's secret, you probably don't know much about it at all.

- The C.R.P.U., sir. - What's the C.R.P.U., son?

That's the Civilian Reserve for the Protection of the Union, sir.

What does the Civilian Reserve for the Protection of the Union do?

We preserve the Union!

We're setting up Communication and Weapon Centers all over the country.

For the growing menace. Everyday there's more commie bastards and niggers and...

...dirty, undernourished people.

Hell, man, that's too real!

Like the Chinese restaurants, sir? That's just a plot, sir.

You go in there and spend $5 and eat for an hour and a half,

and a half hour later you're starving to death.

That's a Chinese Communist plot to starve the United States.

So I'm going to request that you don't put me in the front lines

because as we know there are a lot of Mexican Americans, a lot of niggers,

a lot of homosexuals, a lot of undesirable elements,

all of the undesirable elements of this country are there.

So I request that you put me in the middle, sir,

so that when I am shooting at the enemy,

I will sort of, accidentally, let my rifle veer a little to the left

and pick off a few of those cancerous elements,

and then a little to the right to pick off a few more.

You see what I mean? You see, hey!

And then you say...

I just wanna say that if one tenth of the 500,000 men in Vietnam

do what I'm gonna do, we could wipe out this yellow peril

within a matter of months, sir.

You must remember, sir,

a few chinks a day keep the Chinese away!