Me and Mrs Jones

# We spend all our time lying side by side

# Going nowhere

# It's really something

# Getting busy doing nothing

# We spend all our time

# Running for our lives

# Going nowhere

# It's really something

# Getting busy doing nothing

# Getting busy doing nothing. #

Chloe Bryant says her dad hasn't brushed his teeth since 1997.

- That's disgusting! - He's a hippy! - That's one word for him!

- Can I be a hippy, Mum? - No. Brush!

I've finished. Look!

Oh, wow! It looks lovely. It's taken years off me!

About 35 years, to be exact! Right, come along, you two.

OPERA PLAYS ON HEADPHONES

DOG BARKS VICIOUSLY

ROCK MUSIC BLARES OUT

Oh!

Dude!

# Can't explain all the feelings that you're making me feel #

CONTINUES SINGING TO ROCK MUSIC

Nessun Dorma by Pavarotti

# Oo-oo-ooh

HORN BLARES

Oh, my God! Did I sleep through a rave or something?

Alfie!

- Have you even been to bed? - A soldier never sleeps, Mother.

I'm trying to kill the Dark Destroyer.

It's a German nerd. He's been trying to annihilate her for 36 hours!

Alfie! How did these get here?

Sorry. They're mine.

Oh.

Right. Can you tidy up now, boys, please?

- Why? - "Why"?

Because this is my home, not a squat!

Sorry.

- Alfie! Move it, now. - OK.

OK. Oh, a result! Pepperoni!

I'll just go help her, then, shall I?

Cheers, mate. She can be a bit stressy.

SCREECHES

HORN BLARES

Up yours, Granddad!

Shouldn't you recycle those?

Yes, probably.

Do you think maybe...

..we should at some point...

discuss the kiss?

Yes, probably. But at the moment I feel like I'm being buried alive

in people and sleeping bags and forgotten homework,

odd socks and pizza boxes.

So I vote, if it's OK with you,

that we, er, that we forget that our...our...our...

Kiss.

Thank you. ..ever happened.

That we bury it very deeply,

throw a lot of earth over it,

maybe lay down some concrete

and possibly even erect a conservatory over it.

Like a serial killer would do.

Yes.

We bury our kiss.

Alfie, start tidying up now.

Excuse me.

Alfie, I don't want to have to ask you again! Turn that off!

I will as soon as I've killed the Dark Destroyer and her minions.

- Oi! - There.

I've killed her for you. Now, get up, sort this out,

and if you're planning on staying around, you need to get a job.

Ooh!

Oh! Oh!

Ding-dong! Knock-knock!

What? I knocked, vocally.

- You should have waited! I could be... - Jesus, what happened to your hair?

- Jason, I'm not in the mood! - Blimey, what threw up and died in here?

My son.

- He leaves a trail of destruction wherever he goes. - Like his mum!

- Ha-ha(!) - Time to get down to business.

My Big Boy's exploded.

- Sounds painful. - The Big Boy is a foot-long premium sausage

in a light pastry puff drizzled - optional - with a baked bean jus.

- Just a big sausage roll, then? - It's time to expand the fleet, Gem Gem.

- I'm going to get another van! - Don't call me that. And this is my business, too,

so I'll check over the accounts and see if we can afford a new van.

- Give Alfie a job! - No, no way! The boy's a walking disaster!

- You'll need somebody to drive the new van. - No. Anyway,

I was going to employ a woman.

This is a family business, remember, and Alfie is family. No Alfie,

- no new van. - He wouldn't want to work with me anyway. - He will.

- Alfie, where are you going? - To bed.

It's been a long night, Mother. My thumbs ache.

Get your shoes on. You're working with Jason today.

- Wh... - No. No words or pulling a sickie or making excuses.

Shoes on, quick sticks, then out to hunt and gather.

No choice, mate. Your mum's gone all Margaret Thatcher on us.

Looks like the lady's not for turning!

- What? - It's what Margaret Thatcher said.

Jason, if you have to explain it, it means it's not funny.

Girls, time to go! Go on!

Yes.

- Look, Dad, I've got pants on my head. - Yes, I know.

The girls are going straight from school to Chloe Bryant's.

- Is she the mono-browed one? - Jason! Yeah, she's the mono-browed one.

- Alfie, come on, mate. - I'm not your mate!

- Do I have to? - Come on, you loved doing the sandwich run when you were younger.

- You'd beg me to let Jason take you. - Now I'm begging you not to. - Come on. - Morning all!

Oh, hello, Tom. What are you doing here?

- Yeah, what are you doing here? - Just passing, you know.

But you live over by the big Asda.

Yes, but I jog all over the place. You know how it is.

- No, I don't! - Nice trackie, mate. - Thanks. I thought so.

Pure polyester?

Tom, would you like to come in?

- I wouldn't if I were you. It's disgusting in there! - No, it isn't.

- He's exaggerating. - I'm not. I think I saw a rat.

Probably your own reflection. Goodbye, Jason!

That man's a proper pillock.

I think he's the best guy my mum's ever been with.

- I'll drive. - I don't think so. This is fully loaded with Big Boys.

- It needs a real man behind the wheel. - Do you know any?

You'll have to go in the back till I drop the girls.

And keep your paws off the produce.

I'll get travel sick back here!

Hey, hey, hey!

Stop eating the profits!

One day, girls, all this will be yours.

Try and contain yourself, girls!

I'm running a women's self-defence class tonight.

Off-shoot of my Taekwondo class. Thought you might like to come?

- Well, that's very kind. - It could be our first activity date.

Maybe we could grab a smoothie after we've showered down.

Well, in separate showers, obviously!

I'm not sure. I've got the books to do, and the house is a tip,

what with Alfie back and Billy on the sofa, it's chaos.

Hey, Billy could move in with me, if it would help?

- What?! - No!

Sorry. No, I didn't mean that Billy had to leave.

- I just... - I've got a box room. - Wow, that's, um...

- Um... I'm not sure. - I am being a bit selfish here. Grown-up company would help.

I know you can't get more grown up than my Poppy,

but there's only so much needlepoint and reading aloud from the Diaries of Mao Tse Tung a man can take!

Do you play Canasta?

No. I mean, I can...

That's very kind, Tom, but he's fine here. Aren't you?

- Unless, of course, you want to... - No. I mean, here is good.

Just a thought to help you out. Here's my card. Call me if you want out of the mad house.

Right. Well, I'm off to look for a job.

- Oh. - Happy hunting!

Please come.

- Fran is. - Is she?

Oh. Well, er... OK.

Great!

You know, most people are attacked by someone they know.

I won't attack you, obviously,

but someone else, you know, might.

SQUELCHING

- Move your arse! - I'm not wearing that poncey cap and apron!

There's nothing poncey about it. I designed it.

- It says, "Professional". - It says, "Idiot".

Out now.

Come on.

You've got to be joking! I'll look like Little Red Riding Hood!

Get on with it. And don't come back till you've sold the lot.

Hey, have you been eating a Big Boy?

No.

- My, what big teeth you have! - All the better to eat you with!

Hello to you, Tom.

I squeal when I see you are class leader.

- God dag! - You are remembering me.

Of course. It's great to see you here.

I'm having two minds for coming

because I'm very strong.

My father and brothers make me join them in combat

with the traditional Swedish Mora fighting knives.

This one, I carry it always.

My father made for me when I left home.

Gosh. Right.

I'm not sure. Perhaps you should...

My problem, Tom, is that my looks attract green-eared monster in other womens.

I'm always sensing an imminent attack from less beautiful woman.

Right. Well, I think I can certainly help you.

I must say, though, that I don't think that the knife is quite what...

Sorry.

I need to get to my locker.

Sorry. Always in the way!

I'll just, um...

Oh...

It's...water.

Where are all the men?

It's a women-only class.

What?!

Hello!

Wow!

I'm so glad you came!

No offence, Tom, but I'm heading to the gym.

I need ripped men, not defenceless women.

- Please stay! - You'll be fine!

Look, Inca's here.