Which Brings Me to You

["It Had To Be You" by Danielle Nicole & Davey Nate playing]

[soft rock music playing over speakers]

You want one of these?

Oh! Enjoy.

- Hey. - Hey, could I get a cranberry juice with ice?

And vodka.

- Just a splash. - Sure.

Actually, no. No, um, no cranberry juice.

Vodka, rocks.

- Final answer. Thanks. - You got it.

Hey, way to show up late.

Yeah. It's my specialty.

I'm Will.

Jane.

So, are you here for Sarah, or...

- Fuck. Max? The groom. - His name is Matt.

- Matt. - You know, I may have missed the ceremony,

- but at least I know the name of the bride and the groom. - Fair.

So how do you guys know each other?

We used to play in a band.

- Oh, a band! - Yeah.

- Oh. So you're... - Unfit for society?

Well, I was gonna say "musical," actually.

Oh, no. That's 'cause you didn't hear us yet.

- - What do you play?

Um, I played drums.

- Drums. - Yeah. Yeah.

Wait, please tell me you're not

one of those drummers who sings.

- You are. - I am. I am. Yeah.

- How about you? - Oh, no. I don't play anything.

No, I mean, why-- why are you here?

Oh. Uh, well, I went to school with Sarah,

but I haven't seen her since I left the city.

Uh... is it dead?

That looks dead. Looks like a dead cat.

Okay, well, I'm not an expert on symbolism,

but when a cat drops dead at your wedding,

- that cannot be a good omen. - No...

You know, when I first saw you,

I thought that we should have sex in the coat closet.

Yeah?

But I have had a few, so.

Clearly I'm not thinking that clearly.

Yeah, well, you know, uh...

clear thinking is-- is really overrated.

Yeah, it wouldn't end well.

Think at the beginning.

And we are standing over a dead cat right now,

so that can't be a good sign.

- Yeah... -

["Sugar and Spice" by Jocelyn & Chris playing]

Oh, fuck, this fucking dress.

Here, turn around.

- What is this thing, Fort Knox? - Okay, just turn it--

Okay, you know what? Forget it.

Okay.

Shit. Where are we?

- What? -

I don't think this is a good idea.

- What's your point? - Don't get me wrong,

I really want to, and I'm so fuckin' into you,

but I... am kind of in a weird place.

Yeah, you're in a beach club coat closet.

- You think that, like, we could just talk for a minute? - Talk?

Yeah. Just talk.

Could you get the hell out of my way, please?

What's going on back there?

Well... uh, we were about to fuck,

but I guess he-- he had a change of heart.

That's-- that's not what happened.

Okay.

Hey! Can you just give me a chance to explain?

- You really don't have to. - No, it's-- it's--

- it's complicated. - No, I bet it's real fuckin' simple.

- No, come on. Don't leave. - Well...

I mean, I just told everyone within earshot

we were about to have sex on their coats,

so no, there's no way I'm going back in there.

You did do that. But also, you've been doing a little drinking,

so-- so maybe you shouldn't drive.

- Where you going? - For a walk.

Mmm...

Hey, let me buy you a coffee.

I'm fine.

We're miles from anywhere.

I don't want you to get eaten up by coyotes.

Are you sure you wanna walk?

- -

You sure you don't want to sit up front?

No. I feel like I'm gonna be sick all of a sudden.

Can we just, like, sit here for a second?

Of course, yeah.

You left your gift.

S--

So, um, I'm a commercial photographer...

- Mmm. - ...which-- which mostly means I take pictures of, like,

- espresso machines and current-- - Oh, God. Can we not do that?

Can-- can we not do what?

Talk about our lives?

Yeah. We don't have to talk.

We'll just sit in a, uh--

in a parked car in-- in complete silence.

Sounds good.

Silencio.

- Silence. I could be quiet. - All right, all right. Let's--

- I don't have to talk. - Let's just get this over with. Um...

I am a freelance writer, and at the moment,

I am researching an article for Vanity Fair

about a murder in the Hamptons, which is why I'm in Sag Harbor.

I feel like Vanity Fair publishes an article about

- a murder in the Hamptons, like, once a month. - Yeah, well,

apparently the main thing rich people like to do

for fun in the Hamptons is murder each other.

- - Um, let's see.

Um... well, I'm an only child from a strict Catholic family,

which explains my penchant for sleeping with guys at weddings.

- So this is a regular thing? - And I have three little boys who I love very much.

Wait, what?

- I'm fucking with you. - Oh.

Except for the writer part and the Catholic part.

Look at this. We're-- we're having a back-and-forth.

- See, it wasn't so hard. - Listen,

I would keep asking you questions about yourself,

but honestly, I think the only thing we have in common

- is that we just shared a humiliating sexual experience. - That's nothing.

Do you wanna know the most humiliating sexual experience of my life?

- I don't. - It might make you feel better.

Mmm, pretty sure it won't.

- It was with this girl Jodi Dunn back in high school. - I-- I don't care.

She was the first person to ever go down on me.

You're just gonna steamroll right on through, aren't you?

And I came in my own eye.

Wait, what?

I ejaculated into my own eyeball.

Okay, go on.

["When It Was Wrong" by The California Honeydrops playing]

One night, Jodi and I snuck off into the woods.

I had no idea what I was doing.

Oh, oh, whoa. Wait, wait.

Jodi, slow down.

Slow down--

In porn circles, that maneuver is known

- as "the pirate's eye." - Oh, my God!

Jodi helped me discover my love of photography.

- So pretty. -

She lived five miles away,

but it felt like a whole other world.

When my parents would fight,

it would be really passive aggressive.

But her parents, they would just... go at it.

Um, do you wanna drive around a little bit?