The Sopranos

That's so funny!

No, it isn't! You just poked me in the eye!

Well, you poked me first.

I can't find the thing.

Here.

I don't know what the fuck happened to the DeWalt.

Everything disappears around here.

Especially now that I'm outta the house. She lets everything go.

Stop, stop, Uncle Tony! It's freezing cold!

Uncle Tony, knock it off!

She wants to talk to me about somethin'.

Thanks for havin' us up here, Ton'.

Jason don't put pine cones in the filter! The hell's the matter with you?

- Yo, Dad, he's hitting me! - Hey, what did I say?

They will probably go through their entire lives

not knowing that their father's sperm

was smuggled out of jail to get Nancy pregnant.

It was the least I could do.

I just remembered what happened to the power drill.

Pardon me?

I loaned it to your cousin Brian. And he never gave it...

- What's the matter? - I don't know.

One of your attacks?

No, it... I think it's just indigestion.

It's goin' away.

- I had an attack, full blown. - What did your therapist say?

- I don't see her no more. - Why not?

You think you're the only one that has to cut back

on shit they need 'cause of the separation?

Now, what's on your mind?

Mr. Wegler wants us to come in and discuss

AJ's lousy academic performance.

Is this the same Wegler?

Last year, the riccion with the Billy Budds?

AJ got him as a college advisor.

I told this kid to start crackin' the books.

Was he supposed to do that after he got back

from the Nets game you took him to on a school night?

It's gotta be hard for him, this situation with us.

- Why don't you cut him some slack? - No that's your department.

I get to be the prison warden over here while you indulge him

- with the iPod, the drums... - Again with the drums!

Encourage extracurricular activity, you said.

Brand new drums, just like that? Don't even look in the classifieds.

Why don;t you just tell me when the school meetin' is

'cause I don't have to listen to this shit anymore.

That's why we're separated!

Are you kidding me, Tony? That is not why!

Jase? Were you knocking?

Hi, Lorraine. I'm Billy.

What the fuck? Jason!

Ow, no! Jason!

Jason!

Oh, no!

You were warned, Lorraine. The money goes up to John.

Fuck!

Lorraine Calluzzo and the kid Jason.

Fuckin' Philly Leotardo!

She told me he warned her about givin' us points of her take.

Phil's a pimple. It's goddamn Johnny Sack.

It's his message to the other captains, that fuckin' animal.

- Take it easy. - Fuck that.

Rusty! The car's here.

I'm telling you, Carmine,

we go all out, we'll steamroll right over John.

And I predict the guys on the street in Brooklyn and Queens,

they'll welcome us as fuckin' heroes. It'll be easy.

It's a fuckin' declaration of war by Johnny, if you ask me.

There he is. Let me kiss the ring.

How about the one in the center of my ass?

- Hey. - Feech, good to see you, baby.

Hello there, kid.

- Hey, how are ya, boys? - How are ya, Feech?

Just, uh... talkin' about that mess over in New York.

Sounds to me like your friend John

wants to force Little Carmine's hand.

In my day, the top spot would've gone to Little Carmine,

unless he was actually retarded or crippled or something. He's the son.

Come on, when was that?

Yeah?

- Vodka rocks. - Thank you, dear.

Anybody else?

If we need anything else, one of the kids'll come out.

Ton', you didn't have any lunch. You want a sandwich?

No, I'm all right. Thanks.

Adriana, hold on a second.

Tommy Pinto's goomah,

when I was comin' up she had the long legs, up to here, like that.

Famous beauty, smart as a whip.

My compliments.

Thank you, baby.

You drove Tommy Pinto?

I was at the Clam Broth House the night

he beat that longshoreman to death over a corner table.

- No shit. - Here we go... Memory Lane.

It's important these young guys know the history.

Tell 'em about the time Tony and Jackie Aprile knocked over your card game.

Oh, that he doesn't like to talk about.

I heard this. This is a great fuckin' story.

He should be dead by now.

They bust in, couple of fuckin' punks.

Guns out. Bad guys.

This one is fuckin' scared!

First of all, it was my game.

Feech has forgiven, even if he hasn't forgotten.

But it's a great yarn, right, Feech?

Yeah.

Actually, it brings me to my business.

Fellas, you wanna give us a minute here?

Yeah.

So, what's up?

I came to ask for my game back.

It's my uncle's game now, Feech.

Yeah right, your uncle's.

You'll still keep a lion's share of the rake.

I'm in a way just askin' if I can run it for you.

- Why would I need that? - 11 years I ran it...

no fights, no raids. Not to mention that maybe I got it comin',

considering how it could've gone for you after you took the game down

if I had been a prick about it.

Or if his old man didn't have so many friends.

I'll give you 20%, but you gotta rent the house from me.

I could throw some high rollers your way

friends of mine.

All right.

Let me get outta here before I keep talkin' and fuck this up. Jesus.

Thank you, Don Antonio.

He's a strunz.

He's a busybody, that's all.

He's an egomaniac, Ton', always was, always will be.

Nothing's ever good enough, praise, money.

Comes into this fuckin' office, starts orderin' people around.

He's old.

How do ya think that feels?

Can I go to the Mudvayne concert or not?

I've been trying to think of a reason to let you stay overnight in New York,

but I'm afraid it's not gonna happen.

Todd's mother already made arrangements.

- Said it's better than driving home. - She's not your mother.

Yeah, I know. Believe me.

Isn't life unfair?

So we're at the Peppermint Lounge,

when in walks these two stewardesses from Braniff.

Everybody's in? Aces high. Your action, Mr. Taylor.

- 200. - Hesh?

They're sittin' at the bar. We send 'em a bottle of Dom.

Next thing ya know, we're in the hotel room, me, Frankie and the two broads.

- I see you, raise you three. - You mother...

But this one, this little pothead from Texas, she fucked me dry.

But she still wanted more! She's fuckin' nuts.

I'm wearin' these pointy featherweights

and I stick the toe in and I'm fuckin' her with it.

I don't know where this story's heading

but we should all be grateful he wasn't wearing white bucks.

The maid walks in. She says, "What's goin' on?"

And I say...

Ante up, boys.

Hello, girls!

Hi, Ton'.

- Sir Lawrence from the Meadowlands. - Your Highness, how are you?

Tony, let me introduce Bernie Brillstein.

Did you get my list of toys?

- What's up? - Hey, Ton'.

Oh, my cousin! Kinda high stakes for you, no?

Feech fronted my action. And thank you for not humiliating me.

Isn't there somethin' in your parole

about hangin' out with degenerates like this?

Come on, he gets away with anything.

Last time his parole officer made the unannounced visit,

he gave him a massage.

So how's Lady Luck treatin' you, huh?

Jesus-fuckin'- Christ. How many times this guy gotta say hello?

What, did I interrupt one of your impermeable stories?

Go ahead.

So...

we had these girls in the hotel room.

Long story short, I got my shoe in her snatch...

and it falls off and she keels over. Che puzz'.

Fuck it. This hand's from thalidomide.

Three ladies, gentlemen.

Stake it.

- Take it. - The rich get richer.

So Doc, how's the, uh, plans for the wedding?

Please. It's not a wedding planner anymore.

It's an "environment and event coordinator."

What the hell. She's my only daughter.

She and Iris have their hearts set on makin' the Vows column

of the Sunday "New York Times", featured couple of the week.

Our publicist is lookin' for a hook.

Turns out that Gillian's law degree from Harvard means bupkis.

Everybody's got that or better.

If it was a black couple or a gay couple they'd be in.

My wife calls "The Times" wedding section the ladies' sports page.

So Ira, who's the lucky guy?

Jeremy Silverman, puppeteer, Children's Television Workshop.

Father's Asa Silverman, head of commercial paper at Goldman Sachs.

- Upper Eastside. - I didn't get my invitation.

Fuck you.

You told me to be sure

to let you know when it was a quarter of.