Roommates

Terrific.

Keep up the pace, ladies. Keep going!

It's the memory of the real thing

You had known since you were five

She's the only girl you ever

Wanted to be in your life

What? No.

Auguste!

Auguste, what are you doing?!

You fucking psycho!

Wake up, Luna. You can't call people psycho anymore.

Oh, well, you're literally throwing my shit out of the window!

That is textbook definition of psycho!

You took a video of me while I was sleeping!

To show you how loud you snore.

You legit have sleep apnea!

That can't be any worse than you leaving your bloody pads in our open trash can.

Our entire room smells like a fucking Italian sub!

Auguste!

No, anything but the air fryer!

You use the shit more than I do.

- Oh! - And you don't even ask!

Stop!

I have a Chipotle delivery for Steve.

Ow!

Ladies! My office. Now.

Oh my God, you're nasty.

And you are trash!

You're a fucking pick-me-ass bitch! How 'bout that?

I need her to move out!

Enough!

Ladies, when you two moved in together at the start of the year,

you were inseparable, remember that?

It worked. You hung out. You laughed. You partied.

Okay, but that's before I found out that she's awful.

You literally have no good qualities!

- Oh my God! - Please.

Hey, guys, guys. It's October.

You got the rest of the year ahead of you, okay?

If you don't figure out how to coexist now in that tiny little dorm room,

things are going to escalate into a very bad situation.

- How can it get worse? - There's no getting worse than her.

- I'm in hell. - She's annoying!

- I am in hell. - "I'm in hell."

We're both in hell!

God. Trust me.

- I've seen it. - Hate you.

- Shut the fuck up. - Shut the fuck up.

It can get so much worse.

- Shut the fuck up! - You shut the fuck up!

Shut the fuck up!

It all started with a student who was, um…

How can I describe her while still remaining a professional?

She was a hard worker, but, uh… a low-key pussy.

It's time to welcome your valedictorian, Rebecca Anderson.

Wait, that's not her.

That's her.

You didn't think she was the valedictorian, did you?

I mean, Devon was smart, and people were always happy to see her,

but they also didn't notice when she wasn't around.

For me, school was more than just the classes, the football games,

and of course, everybody's least favorite lunch.

Like, why taco bagels?

Blow me.

What I'll remember most… are the friends that I made here.

Friends that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

And in the words of the greatest orator of our time,

"How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard?"

And that

was Winnie-the-Pooh.

Aw.

Sweet!

Amazing.

I see you! Hi, honey!

- You were the best one. - Hi.

Do you want us to take a picture of you with anyone?

No, no. I got a bunch before the ceremony.

- Okay. - You sure? Your Snapchat looks lonely.

- That one's cute. - Yeah.

That one, and then the last one's like…

- Put it down. - Okay.

We look so good right now.

I actually see my friends, so…

Oh, so let's go say hi.

No. Oh my God. I'll just… I'll meet you by the car.

- Okay. - Okay, bye.

- Hey, Bella, Ella, Emma, Ava. - Devon, jump in.

Oh, sure.

Aw.

Do you mind if we get one with just the Core Four?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Sure.

Thanks.

- That's kinda brutal. - Oh, Devon, wait.

Yes.

We need to officially add an honorary fifth member.

Señor Michaels!

Uh-oh. Better get my good side.

Do you mind taking it?

Yeah, yeah, no problem.

Now go full sluts.

And hit, angle, butt.

And, hon, can you go a little bit higher? Yeah. Sorry. I'm, like, 40.

- Babe, you want a tea? - Yeah, baby. Sleepy time.

Hey. What's going on?

Emma's party's at 10:00. It's 9:45 already.

Uh, yeah. I'm not going.

Your hair and makeup is all done.

It seems like, at some point, you were going.

Now I'm in sweatpants,

so it'd be physically impossible to leave the house.

- That makes sense. - That does make sense.

- What are we, uh… cooking here? - Honey, that's not for you.

- You already ate. - I know.

I'm just curious what is so delicious

that it's keeping our daughter from going to the party.

Honey, are you sure you don't wanna go? I feel like it's a big night.

Yeah, high school was a waste. I'll… make friends in college.

Yeah, but you love your high-school friends.

There's Ella, Emma, Enema… Anemic.

Not their names.

Didn't Emma invite you to her party?

She invited me to the party that literally every senior is invited to.

But then, after that, everyone goes to an after-party

with their actual friend group.

Bella's having a sleepover, and I didn't get an invite, okay?

Well, that's just 'cause they were gonna be doing Special K

and horse tranqs to celebrate, and they didn't want to in front of you

'cause they know you're better.

Skipping the party?

Good for you. Fuck 'em.

Yeah!

Yeah, fuck 'em in the ass.

I'm glad I never learned their names, these stupid fuckin' cunts.

- What the fuck is going on with you? - Dad!

What?

- Don't say that! - Like you said…

Someone get Dad some Ketamine. He's losing it.

Maybe we should all do some Ketamine.

- So, uh, when's your orientation thing? - Couple weeks.

- Okay. Soon. - Yeah.

Here's a question for you.

If it's to orient you to Walton, why is it in the woods?

Probably 'cause it's about bonding and not school.

Well, you're super outdoorsy, so that'll be great.

Hmm.

I'm just excited to start fresh.

Yeah. Totally.

I don't need to make, like, a zillion friends at school.

I just really want, like, a best friend, you know?

Dude, I'm your best friend.

I meant outside of this house.

Just try not to put too much pressure on it.

- People can tell when you're thirsty. - Mm.

Isn't that so pathetic?

I'm about to go to college, and I've never had a best friend.

I don't know, it's not nearly as pathetic as watching you pretend to smoke a joint.

What? I… I'm…

- I'm doin' it. - Ah… I don't know.

- You have to inhale to feel. - I'm not even kidding. I will.

- I felt it. I promise you. - Okay.

I feel… something.

- Yeah? - Not nothing.

That's good.

Hi, guys. Um… I'm Ellie.

Welcome to orientation.

Remember, this is for you guys to have fun and get to know each other.

The only expert here today is your adventure guide, Goose.

What's up, everybody? Thank you, Ellie.

Goose! That's me. I didn't go to Walton 'cause I didn't have it like that.

I work here. Let's get to it.

So when you're on the ropes, you're gonna have an instinct,

an urge to touch the bar.

Do not. Don't touch the metal bar.

I'm telling you, you will gash your motherfuckin' hand.

All right? Final Destination- type shit.

Also, remember, you got a harness.

All right, but, honestly, like, just pretend like the harness isn't there

'cause even with the harness, falls ain't comfy, bruh.

We haven't had any deaths out here.

We had one lady turn into a vegetable, but she's in good spirits now.

Y'all can smoke out here,

you can drink as long as you share it with the Goose, baby.

- Goose is loose. Any questions? - Sorry I'm late.

Are you part of this group?

- Yeah. - You just missed the whole spiel, dude.

I… I can figure it out.

What's your name?

Goose.

That's hilarious.

What's your name?

Celeste.

That's hilarious!

Stick 'em up, palms up…

Every freshman knows that you will be fucked

if you don't make friends at orientation.

Devon was determined to find the thing she wanted most,

a college bestie.

Are people hanging out tonight, or what's the deal?

One girl started a Snap group.