King of the Hill

All right, everybody. Who likes money?

I do, honey.

Good. Then I need you to go down to the VFW,

and collect this much.

Those vets are three months behind on their propane bill.

The VFW?

Those guys are war heroes.

Sending a Joe Jack to hit them up for money is,

well, kind of an insult.

At least send an Enrique or a Roger Sack.

Hank, I am tired of talking about this.

You get me that money yourself.

The mother of my bastard is all over me

for more child support.

Well, I understand.

I have a boy of my own.

A-N-Z-I-O.

Anzio.

You can't use that. I challenge.

What? Cha... challenge?

The battle of Anzio.

30th day of January, 1944.

We caught the Krauts with their pants down

and their schnitzel exposed.

We'd taken the beach by noon,

the town by nightfall.

I can still taste the Chianti out of that señora's navel.

All right, it's a proper noun, but, damn it, I'll allow it.

God, she was a piece.

Triple word score, 42 points.

Uh, hey, Dad.

Uh, to quote Mr. Strickland,

I don't mean to be a "pro-pane" in the butt...

...but...

Uh, you owe 416 dollars and 29 cents

on your propane bill.

I think I can get the five-dollar late fee waived.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I must have dropped that money somewhere in the Philippines,

fighting for your freedom, you damn draft dodger!

You mean to tell me that this blood-sucking gonif

never served his country?

Four-F. Got out on account of his narrow urethra.

Only uniform he ever wore was the Boy Scouts.

I made it to Eagle Scout.

And, Dad, you know the war was over.

Besides, I tried to enlist,

but the Army felt I wouldn't be able to relieve myself efficiently

under duress.

Especially in front of others.

Look, I didn't come here to fight.

Of course you didn't, you coward!

We ain't got your money! Take a look around!

You see Fat Brooklyn, Cookie, or Tommy-gun Scanlon?

Uh, no.

Dead. All dead!

And dead men don't pay no dues.

Now, get out of my sight!

Come back tomorrow, we's having a fund-raiser.

Let's do our shopping before the "Salvation Army" invades.

Get it? Salvation...

Oh, I should get a medal for wit.

And you know what I would call that medal?

I would call it the...

I don't know.

Hey, there's my dad.

Get your war hero memorabilia here!

All items must go.

Amuse your friends and thrill the ladies

with an authentic Nazi skull.

Priced to move.

Dad, are you selling your medals?

Yes, I am, you four-eyed four-F-er.

I should charge you a buck and a quarter just for looking at 'em.

But when I was a kid, you wouldn't even let me polish them.

Well, it's sell the medals or lose the VFW.

We can't pay the rent no more.

Now, if you'll excuse me

there's a twig boy eyeing Hitler's canoe.

I'm prepared to offer 100 dollars American for the canoe.

And don't try to haggle with me.

I'm an attorney.

Boy, this ain't any canoe.

This is Hitler's canoe.

Five hundred!

Look, I'm just buying it for a camping trip.

It's going to cost me 40 dollars

just to paint over the swastika on the other side.

What? Paint over the swastika?

It's a war trophy.

You're painting over my victory!

The deal is off!

Well, too bad.

Fine!

Sold!

Hank, do something useful for once in your life

and help me carry Hitler's canoe out to this...

patriot's car.

Boy, this fits my hand like a comfortable shoe.

Careful. That's an antique falconer's glove.

Belonged to Hermann Goering.

For you, 80 bucks.

Do you accept prepaid phone cards?

Aunt Peggy, I don't think this is right.

He's a very old man.

Luanne, this is for charity.

-(grunts) -Oh, yeah!

Yeah, it's the maroon Mitsubishi.

Mitsubishi?

They made the planes that bombed Pearl Harbor.

I ain't selling Hitler's canoe to no traitor.

We had a verbal agreement.

You're a witness.

You don't deserve no Hitler's canoe.

-(grunts) -Dad, calm down.

Don't tell me to calm down, Boy Scout!

I'm a war hero!

I killed 50 men!

Now, hop in your sushi boat and git.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

All... all right, all right.

Listen up! If you're driving a Nazi car

or an Italian scooter,

get your Axis-loving ass out of here!

-Let's go. -But I paid for another throw.

-(grunts) -(groans)

Ah!

Where'd you get that bird?

Internet.

What's the hood for?

Uh, I think you take it off

when you want him to do a trick.

Eeh. Make him do a trick.

Okay.

Falcon, do a loop-the-loop...

-Yeah. -...a barrel roll...

-Yeah. -Scratch that.

A reverse barrel roll,

then back to the glove.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Shi-sha!

Ta-da.

Seized by the sheriff?

Oh, we've been captured on our own soil.

Incoming.

I've got two platoons of propane right here

and reinforcements are on the way.

Hank, go away.

It's all over.

No, no, I worked out an easy payment plan.

I've got pre-stamped envelopes.

You don't have to sell any more of your stuff.

We ain't selling it.

It's being repoed.

Oh, Dad, I'm sorry.

Here's everything we got from the rummage sale, 41 dollars.

Now, git.

It's four o'clock. Time for Judge Judy.

Uh, shouldn't that TV be plugged in?

Oh, Dad, you guys deserve better than this.

You're damn straight we do!

Bring us a heat lamp!

And some sandwiches.

I'm so goddang hungry.

Hey, Peggy, guess what.

Welcome to the new VFW headquarters, Hank's wife!

Sorry, we broke your crapper.

It is 2:00 a.m.

Now, I am as patriotic as the next person.

But if I am not at the top of my teaching game,

it is the children who suffer.

They promised they'd go home as soon as the movie was over.

I can't go in there and just turn off the Duke.

They looked like little angels sleeping there.

The smell was unimaginable.

Well, I'll shuttle them home in the morning.

I bet I could do it in four trips.

What they need is some new blood to join their organization.

Maybe they could merge with the Kiwanis.

Now, wait a minute, what about Vietnam?

Those guys always have some kind of float in the parade.

And I heard the landlord's having a heck of a time

renting out the VFW building.

Maybe if the old vets could get the Vietnam guys to join up,

they could get their post back.

Well, I know a Vietnam vet.

Dr. Sarti, my gynecologist.

They needed those guys over there?

Hank, I keep in touch with some of the guys from my unit,

but none of us really have time to sit around rehashing war stories.

I've got a family and a very successful practice.

I understand.

I treat a lot of prominent women.

Uh, okay, then.

Deputy mayors and such.