All You Need Is Blood

Hey, buddy.

Who's a good boy, Spartacus?

You're a good boy. Oh, yes you are.

Here you go, pal.

What's in store for the evening?

Well, for this evening it's going to be cold.

For this weekend, a high pressure front will give us

crystal clear skies,

perfect viewing conditions for tomorrow's meteor shower.

All you have to do is look straight up

and you'll see one of the best meteor showers of the year.

You'll see about one meteor per minute.

And if you can get away...

from city lights into a more rural area,

you will get an even better view.

Meanwhile, for the rest of the valley,

you can expect clear skies and calm winds

from the southeast.

Careful, Bucky, never mess with a sleeping dragon.

I got you, I got you!

The button by your thumb, that starts and stops.

This is so cool.

- I... love... you. - I... love... you.

So today it was 68 in Point Valley.

It was 66 in Malligan. 65 in Porterville.

Hey, Buckaroo.

Chin up.

He just misses me, that's all.

I know, Mom.

I know, it's just,

can't you work some ghost shit on him or something?

Turn him back into the old Dad.

Bucky, it's a process.

All Dad needs is a little time.

You have to be patient with him.

I tried to show him my footage the other day.

Do you know what he said to me?

He said, I should focus more on school

and less on make believe.

Patience, Bucky.

Patience.

- Hey, Buckaroo? - Yeah, Ma?

Your shoe's untied.

Oh, no, Mom, I'm not falling for that one again.

Vish, we got a package?

Oh, what is it?

Broadcast right here on WKJK.

Oh, you scallywag!

I'm gonna get you next time.

Come on.

Jenkem is a gas produced by fermented human waste.

Addicts crack open sewage lines to inhale

the powerful hallucinogens,

and the effects send users into a dangerous rage.

One woman says, "Bigfoot had me hooked"

after just one sniff."

Okay, man.

I'm telling you, this stuff is real.

You know my dad saw Bigfoot once?

Dost thou confuseth me for a hedge-born raggabrash?

Taketh my flock, plucketh my harvest, haveth my fortune,

but my deeds?

No, my Lord, you may never taint my good deeds.

All Earthly things turn to dust,

but one's legacy lives on in the halls of eternity!

You reeketh of mortality, my Lord.

In my village, we have a name for men like you.

You, my Lord, are a fopdoodle.

Cut!

Cut!

Hey, look, Vish, you were great.

You were really great.

I promise.

But this time I need you to really like whack me full force.

Otherwise, it's gonna look fake.

Okay?

Come on, man, are you ready?

Okay, listen, I'm gonna be fine.

Pain is temporary.

See?

Fine.

But film, film is forever.

Okay?

All right.

Action!

Awesome!

Oh, that was so good, Vish.

Let's do one more

just so we have some options in the edit.

What are you telling me?

Picture yourself in a tropical rainforest.

Imagine you are now a panther.

Panther power.

Strong, calm, relax, relax.

You're up, June.

This way, honey.

The snarling werewolf backs you into a corner, literally,

emotionally, metaphorically.

The situation, dire.

The suspense, agonizing.

But you're the hero.

You dig down in the core of your being

and scream like a banshee thrusting the dagger

into the beast's heart.

Got it?

Great, let's roll, Hal.

You're, you're taping this?

Yes, honey, we film every audition.

Don't worry, it stays private.

Okay, everybody, let's roll, Hal.

And action.

Action.

Poor little thing has stage fright.

Cut.

God, if I have to see one more pathetic amateur.

I mean, are you trying to waste my time?

Or you just have no one of actual quality?

This is abysmal.

No offense.

Oh, wait, darling.

Wait up, wait up, wait, wait.

Look, honey, I know this audition stuff is scary,

and he can be an asshole,

but making an actual movie is even worse.

What you need is exposure therapy.

You gotta spend time on a film set.

Take any job.

Coffee girl, hair, makeup, girl Friday, whatever.

Get comfortable in that filmmaking environment,

then ain't no nerves gonna stop you.

Okay, honey?

You gotta face for film.

I know these things.

All right, we'll catch you next time.

No, no, no, no.

Oakmont.

Okay, okay.

All right.

"Thank you for submitting "Drops of Dew"

to the fourth annual Oakmont Film Festival.

We have the very difficult task of choosing from hundreds of

submissions, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Unfortunately, your film was not selected.

Though it had its merits,

the story was bogged down by a dry plot,

"nauseating monologues and ostentatious platitudes."

What?

The world just wasn't ready for "Drops of Dew."

But did Picasso give up when the critics called him crazy?

I mean, did Van Gogh quit when he couldn't sell

a single painting?

Exactly, Vish!

And neither will we.

So it's onward and upward.

Aha, Vish.

I present our next masterpiece.

It's not just a drama, it's a drama within a drama.

Poof.

It doesn't have a title and it could use a few rewrites,

but I think it could be our ticket out of this crappy town.

Oh, a local film festival.

Starwaltz.

$2,000 grand prize.

Man, we could make a kickass film with that kind of cash.

This year's annual theme is...

horror.

All submissions must be in the horror genre.

We're not doing popcorn entertainment, man.

I'm going for longevity.

In 500 years, no one's gonna remember some

B-grade monster flick.

But dramas, those have legs.

I mean, classic cinema, Greek tragedy, Shakespeare,

those are the kind of things that live on.

All right, we are gonna need a top-notch actress

for this project.

Can you put out an ad for auditions?

Female, late 30s, no, early 40s.

Theater experience is preferred.

And we have auditions on Sunday.

Right.

You can say the film pays 40 bucks

plus 5% of the gross after taxes.

3:00 p.m. Sunday.

You posted this at both theaters, right?

What about the message board at the corner store?

How about cafes?

Dang.

Well, dang.

You know, it's probably just church traffic.

We should give it another hour.

We should have offered more percentage points.

What?

What?

Whoa, don't touch it!

It might have space AIDS.

Last night I saw a flying object that couldn't have

possibly been from this planet.

There comes a time in each man's life,

when he can't even believe his own eyes.