Bye Bye Birdie

Look! Look! Look!

Hey! Hey! Ho! Hey! Look! Look!

Hey! Ooh! Hey!

This is John Daly reporting with the CBS mobile unit

in front of the nation's capital,

bringing you special on the spot coverage of our current teenage crisis

over the drafting of Conrad Birdie.

Sociologists agree that Birdie is a phenomenon.

And for those few music lovers

who have never attended one of his concerts,

here are some news photos tracing his meteoric rise.

And that...

That is our army's newest weapon.

Private Birdie reports for his induction in ten days.

His income drops from two million dollars a year

to $78 a month.

It could only happen in America.

Why?

Why did they have to draft him?

Just when I finally write a song he's gonna do.

The title song of his next picture.

"Mumbo Jumbo Gooey Gumbo."

Now there's no picture.

There's nothing.

Albert, I have your financial statement if you really want to hear it.

- "Total assets: $312.08." -

"Liabilities: $4,030."

You...

Confidentially, you're a fiscal fiasco.

Goodbye, Albert.

It's a sad ending to a long association.

- Yeah. -

Oh, don't you want to say goodbye to Pidge?

Almaelou's busted, Pidge.

Better get yourself another meal ticket.

In six years, I never sold one lousy song.

Maybe they weren't lousy enough.

I don't care so much about myself,

but I'm my mother's sole support.

I've wasted every cent my father left Mama--

It's not your fault. Your mother wants you to be a songwriter.

You can make a good living as a biochemist.

That's a wonderful profession.

But Mama, she wants--

Just because she was once in vaudeville doesn't mean

that you belong in show business.

Confidentially, I respect my mother, but I do what I want.

Well, Mama's sensitive.

When I upset her, she faints.

Why, with your ideas, you can make a fortune in chemistry.

Chemistry.

Chemistry. Chemistry! You sound like Rosie.

- Where is she? Where's Rosie? - Oh, she phoned.

She heard about Birdie being drafted.

She said she was going to see Ed Sullivan.

Sure, to get another job.

Oh, fine secretary.

Why, we have been practically engaged!

Just waiting for an okay from Mama.

Now when I hit bottom, Rosie deserts me.

Quits before my body's even warm.

Ed Sullivan!

Would you send in Rosie DeLeon, please?

Is it yes, Mr. Sullivan?

It's just got to be yes.

Rosie, it is yes.

Oh, hallelujah! Oh, I love you!

Oh, that's marvelous! Oh, I love you, too! I'm so glad!

- Miss DeLeon? - Hmm?

I'd like you to meet our producer Bob Precht.

Oh, hi, how are you?

Well, it's my pleasure.

You know, Rosie, if you can overcome your shyness, tell me,

what's our using Birdie on the show got to do with you?

Well, let's face it,

- I'm a scheming woman. - Yeah.

I have a promotion idea that'll knock you out.

If you buy it, I want a little favor.

All right, let's try it on for size.

How'd you like a terrific buildup before the show

that'll have every TV set tuned in to you next Sunday?

We will have. After all, we've got the Moscow Ballet and Birdie.

- This is bigger. - Bigger.

Before Conrad Birdie goes into the army, he bestows a farewell kiss

on all the swooning girls who worship him on your TV show.

After all, it's only an hour show and Birdie only gets four minutes.

He kisses them all symbolically.

What'd you say?

Symbolically.

Actually, he'll only kiss one girl.

He kisses only one girl?

Can't you see it? Birdie, their idol, their leader,

kissing one fabulously lucky teenage Tessie?

Yeah! Yeah!

It'll melt every bobby pin in America.

It's gigantic! The newspapers will eat it up.

Think of the advance publicity.

Rosie, get the Birdie's fan club file right away, and get us a girl from Ohio.

- Gotcha. - Bob, we'll do it from the stage

of the outdoor theater, Columbus, Ohio,

- right after the Ballet. - I'll get the girl.

Well, the network will handle all the physical details.

And after the kiss, Birdie sings a big song.

And that's where Rosie gets her payoff.

I don't get it.

The song is "One Last Kiss."

- Never heard of it. - Hasn't been written yet.

And who is going to write this classic?

Oh, who else, but my future husband, Mr. Albert F. Peterson?

Who else?

Oh, Birdie's been wanting to give Albert a break for six years.

I know he'll use the song if you say so.

Okay, in a spot like this, any song will do,

even though it's written by your ever loving Albert.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Sullivan.

You know, with a plug like this, that song will sell a million records.

Man, what royalties!

Well, we can sure use the money.

Any day now, Albert and I will have another mouth to feed.

Rosie.

You're not even married yet.

His mother.

- Oh. - Bye.

Carmine, get me the publishing department right away!

This batch will do. Get them ready for mailing right away.

- Oh, hi, Marge. - Hi.

Um, I need one of your fans from Ohio.

You can have them all.

Try file number six.

Okay.

Uh, six. Here we go.

I'm about to make some ga-ga little goof a queen.

Oh.

Hey, cute.

Long distance.

I want Miss Kim McAfee, Sweet Apple 135, Sweet Apple, Ohio.

Oh, Marge, it's amazing what a woman has to do to get a man to marry her.

You mean you doped Albert's mother?

No.

But if this doesn't work, that's my next move.

What, operator?

Oh, the line's busy. Well, um, uh, never mind.

I'll try later. Thank you.

Oh, Marge, right now, there's a kid named Kim McAfee

in Sweet Apple, Ohio, gabbing on the telephone,

but little does she realize I'm about to make her immortal.

- Hello? - Hello, Urse?

This is Kim.

And if I don't tell somebody, I'm just gonna burst.

So, Ursula, you are the very first to know.

I just got pinned by Hugo Peabody.

Oh, no!

Kim McAfee, you didn't!

You really got pinned?

You mean you and Hugo have a permanent understanding?

Uh-huh.

Oh, it's Hugo and I forever.

Crazy, crazy!

Tell me, Kim.

How do you absolutely feel?

In your deepest, secret soul?

It's like...

It's like I've been reborn.

It's like all my life until this very moment, I was nothing.

- It's like-- - Kim, I must use the phone.

I've got to call Grandma.

In a second, Mom.

Hey, listen, Ursula, I'm gonna have to get off.

Where was I?

You were nothing.

Oh, yeah.

And now, I'm alive.

Fulfilled.

Now I know what it means to be a woman.

It should only happen to me.