The Eric Andre Show

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT'S "THE ERIC ANDRE SHOW"! >>

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! AAH! OHH!

>> CHECK THIS OUT.

>> CHECK THIS OUT. YO!

YO! LET ME ASK YOU PEOPLE SOMETHIN'.

YO! LET ME ASK YOU PEOPLE SOMETHIN'. YOU EVER BONE YOUR GRANDMA TO

LET ME ASK YOU PEOPLE SOMETHIN'. YOU EVER BONE YOUR GRANDMA TO DEATH?

YOU EVER BONE YOUR GRANDMA TO DEATH? TALK ABOUT GOING OUT WITH A

DEATH? TALK ABOUT GOING OUT WITH A BANG, PEOPLE!

TALK ABOUT GOING OUT WITH A BANG, PEOPLE! >> WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

BANG, PEOPLE! >> WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. WHAT?

>> WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. WHAT? >> HEY, HANNIBAL!

WHAT? >> HEY, HANNIBAL! THIS AIN'T YOUR MAMA'S

>> HEY, HANNIBAL! THIS AIN'T YOUR MAMA'S MONOLOGUE!

THIS AIN'T YOUR MAMA'S MONOLOGUE!

MONOLOGUE! HEY, YOU EVER TAKE A PISS AT THE

HEY, YOU EVER TAKE A PISS AT THE ZOO, AND THE HIPPO WALKS INTO

HEY, YOU EVER TAKE A PISS AT THE ZOO, AND THE HIPPO WALKS INTO THE BATHROOM, AND YOU'RE LIKE,

ZOO, AND THE HIPPO WALKS INTO THE BATHROOM, AND YOU'RE LIKE, "GET OUT OF HERE, YOU FAT

THE BATHROOM, AND YOU'RE LIKE, "GET OUT OF HERE, YOU FAT BITCH"?

"GET OUT OF HERE, YOU FAT BITCH"? >> SERIOUSLY, DUDE, WHAT THE

BITCH"? >> SERIOUSLY, DUDE, WHAT THE ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,

>> SERIOUSLY, DUDE, WHAT THE ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, MAN?

ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, MAN? >> OH, I'M SAYIN' IT!

MAN? >> OH, I'M SAYIN' IT! HEY, "HUNGER GAMES," I'M STILL

>> OH, I'M SAYIN' IT! HEY, "HUNGER GAMES," I'M STILL FULL!

HEY, "HUNGER GAMES," I'M STILL FULL!

>> IT'S PIZZA SAFETY TIME! H-E-E-EY! MI SCUSI, PAISANO?

H-E-E-EY! MI SCUSI, PAISANO? I'M MR. BURRITO, THE HUMAN

MI SCUSI, PAISANO? I'M MR. BURRITO, THE HUMAN PIZZA?

I'M MR. BURRITO, THE HUMAN PIZZA? WE SPOKE EARLIER.

PIZZA? WE SPOKE EARLIER. I'M FROM THE PIZZA SOCIETY, AND

WE SPOKE EARLIER. I'M FROM THE PIZZA SOCIETY, AND I'M HERE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT

I'M FROM THE PIZZA SOCIETY, AND I'M HERE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT PIZZA SAFETY.

I'M HERE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT PIZZA SAFETY. FIRST THING'S FIRST.

PIZZA SAFETY. FIRST THING'S FIRST. SINCE I STARTED THIS SPEECH,

FIRST THING'S FIRST. SINCE I STARTED THIS SPEECH, 17 PEOPLE HAVE DIED FROM PIZZA.

SINCE I STARTED THIS SPEECH, 17 PEOPLE HAVE DIED FROM PIZZA. PIZZA SAFETY --

17 PEOPLE HAVE DIED FROM PIZZA. PIZZA SAFETY --

PIZZA SAFETY -- AAH!

AAH!

AND THAT'S PIZZA SAFETY! >> YOU'VE SEEN THIS NEXT GUY ON "TRUE BLOOD."

>> YOU'VE SEEN THIS NEXT GUY ON "TRUE BLOOD." PLEASE WELCOME RYAN KWANTEN!

"TRUE BLOOD." PLEASE WELCOME RYAN KWANTEN!

>> NOW... "TRUE BLOOD" -- I WANT TO TALK ABOUT "TRUE BLOOD."

"TRUE BLOOD" -- I WANT TO TALK ABOUT "TRUE BLOOD." >> YOU PLAY A DOG, RIGHT?

ABOUT "TRUE BLOOD." >> YOU PLAY A DOG, RIGHT? >> I PLAY A DOG?

>> YOU PLAY A DOG, RIGHT? >> I PLAY A DOG? >> YEAH.

>> I PLAY A DOG? >> YEAH. >> OF SORTS.

>> YEAH. >> OF SORTS. >> WHAT IS YOUR --

>> OF SORTS. >> WHAT IS YOUR -- WHAT IS YOUR CHARACTER ON

>> WHAT IS YOUR -- WHAT IS YOUR CHARACTER ON "TRUE BLOOD"?

WHAT IS YOUR CHARACTER ON "TRUE BLOOD"? WHAT UP -- WHAT UP WITH HIM?

"TRUE BLOOD"? WHAT UP -- WHAT UP WITH HIM? >> YEAH --

WHAT UP -- WHAT UP WITH HIM? >> YEAH -- >> DO YOU -- DO YOU, UM --

>> YEAH -- >> DO YOU -- DO YOU, UM -- >>

>> DO YOU -- DO YOU, UM -- >> >> THIS THING IS OUT OF CONTROL.

>> >> THIS THING IS OUT OF CONTROL. >> THAT'S QUITE THE TALENT YOU

>> THIS THING IS OUT OF CONTROL. >> THAT'S QUITE THE TALENT YOU GOT THERE.

>> THAT'S QUITE THE TALENT YOU GOT THERE. >> IS YOUR LAST NAME SWAHILI?

GOT THERE. >> IS YOUR LAST NAME SWAHILI? >> UH...VERY GOOD GUESS.

>> IS YOUR LAST NAME SWAHILI? >> UH...VERY GOOD GUESS. IT'S ACTUALLY DUTCH.

>> UH...VERY GOOD GUESS. IT'S ACTUALLY DUTCH. >> WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON

IT'S ACTUALLY DUTCH. >> WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON EXISTENCE?

>> WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON EXISTENCE? DO YOU BELIEVE IN A GOD OR A

EXISTENCE? DO YOU BELIEVE IN A GOD OR A HIGHER POWER?

DO YOU BELIEVE IN A GOD OR A HIGHER POWER? WHERE DO YOU GO WHEN YOU DIE?

HIGHER POWER? WHERE DO YOU GO WHEN YOU DIE? >> UH...

WHERE DO YOU GO WHEN YOU DIE? >> UH... >> HEY!

>> UH... >> HEY! >> HEY!

>> HEY! >> HEY! >> YOU CHEATIN' ON ME, BIG BOY?

>> HEY! >> YOU CHEATIN' ON ME, BIG BOY? >> HELL NAW.

>> YOU CHEATIN' ON ME, BIG BOY? >> HELL NAW. >> I KNOW YOU'RE CHEATIN' ON ME.

>> HELL NAW. >> I KNOW YOU'RE CHEATIN' ON ME. >> AAH!

>> I KNOW YOU'RE CHEATIN' ON ME. >> AAH! NO! NO!

>> AAH! NO! NO! I'M NOT CHEATIN' ON YOU, BABY!

NO! NO! I'M NOT CHEATIN' ON YOU, BABY! >> I'M GONNA KNOCK YOU OUT.

I'M NOT CHEATIN' ON YOU, BABY! >> I'M GONNA KNOCK YOU OUT. I'M-A...

>> I'M GONNA KNOCK YOU OUT. I'M-A...

I'M-A...

>> ALL RIGHT!

>> LET THEM PLAY IT OUT? >> WHAT'S UP WITH ACTING? >> WHAT'S UP WITH THE JIZZ

>> WHAT'S UP WITH ACTING? >> WHAT'S UP WITH THE JIZZ FLYING AROUND?

>> WHAT'S UP WITH THE JIZZ FLYING AROUND?

FLYING AROUND? >> WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

>> WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AUSTRALIA AND SOUTH AFRICA?

>> WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AUSTRALIA AND SOUTH AFRICA? I'M JUST SCARED THAT --

AUSTRALIA AND SOUTH AFRICA? I'M JUST SCARED THAT -- >> IT'S RIGHT UP THERE.

>> WHERE IS IT? >> YOU GOT IT. THERE'S NO --

>> YOU GOT IT. THERE'S NO -- OH, YEP, THERE IT IS...

THERE'S NO -- OH, YEP, THERE IT IS... >> BE CAREFUL OF, UH, SUEY.

OH, YEP, THERE IT IS... >> BE CAREFUL OF, UH, SUEY. >>

>> BE CAREFUL OF, UH, SUEY. >> YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

>> YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME. >> WHEW!

>> WHEW! WHEW.

>> WHEW! WHEW. >> YEAH.

WHEW. >> YEAH. >> OH.

>> YEAH. >> OH. THAT WORKS.

>> OH. THAT WORKS.

THAT WORKS. >> ALL RIGHT, HANNIBAL, LET'S

>> ALL RIGHT, HANNIBAL, LET'S FIGHT.

>> ALL RIGHT, HANNIBAL, LET'S FIGHT. >> WHAT?

FIGHT. >> WHAT? >> BRING IT ON.

>> WHAT? >> BRING IT ON. >> OKAY.

>> BRING IT ON. >> OKAY. >> FIGHT ME.

>> OKAY. >> FIGHT ME. BRING IT!

>> FIGHT ME. BRING IT! BRING IT, YOU SON OF A --

BRING IT! BRING IT, YOU SON OF A -- AAH!

ALL RIGHT, THAT WAS GOOD. THAT WAS COOL.

THAT WAS COOL. >> I WANT TO TALK ABOUT

>> I WANT TO TALK ABOUT "TRUE BLOOD."

>> I WANT TO TALK ABOUT "TRUE BLOOD." HAVE YOU HEARD THAT SCOTT STAPP

"TRUE BLOOD." HAVE YOU HEARD THAT SCOTT STAPP SONG?

HAVE YOU HEARD THAT SCOTT STAPP SONG? THE GUY FROM CREED?

SONG? THE GUY FROM CREED? HE HAS THAT SONG ABOUT BASEBALL.

THE GUY FROM CREED? HE HAS THAT SONG ABOUT BASEBALL. >> NO.

HE HAS THAT SONG ABOUT BASEBALL. >> NO. >> HE'S LIKE...

OW! >> YOU JUST GONNA LET THAT HAPPEN?

>> YOU JUST GONNA LET THAT HAPPEN? >> HMM?

HAPPEN? >> HMM? >> YOU JUST GONNA LET THAT

>> HMM? >> YOU JUST GONNA LET THAT HAPPEN?

>> YOU JUST GONNA LET THAT HAPPEN? >> THAT'S HIS DESK.

HAPPEN? >> THAT'S HIS DESK. I -- I STAND HERE.

>> THAT'S HIS DESK. I -- I STAND HERE.

I -- I STAND HERE. >> JUST RING IF YOU NEED

>> JUST RING IF YOU NEED ANYTHING.

>> JUST RING IF YOU NEED ANYTHING. >> Y-YOU'RE VEGAN?

ANYTHING. >> Y-YOU'RE VEGAN? YOU SAID YOU'RE --

>> Y-YOU'RE VEGAN? YOU SAID YOU'RE -- YOU SAID YOU'RE VEGAN?

YOU SAID YOU'RE -- YOU SAID YOU'RE VEGAN? >> NO, I'M NOT VEGAN.

YOU SAID YOU'RE VEGAN? >> NO, I'M NOT VEGAN. >> OH.

>> NO, I'M NOT VEGAN. >> OH.

>> OH.

>> I'M FROM GOOGLE.

GOOGLE, SHOW ME THIS GUY'S BALLS, PLEASE. SIR, YOU HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF

BALLS, PLEASE. SIR, YOU HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF POOP INSIDE YOUR TESTICLES.

SIR, YOU HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF POOP INSIDE YOUR TESTICLES. GOOGLE, SHOW ME HER NAKED.

POOP INSIDE YOUR TESTICLES. GOOGLE, SHOW ME HER NAKED. ENHANCE.

GOOGLE, SHOW ME HER NAKED. ENHANCE. ENHANCE.

ENHANCE. ENHANCE. MA'AM, MA'AM...

ENHANCE. MA'AM, MA'AM... TRUST ME?

MA'AM, MA'AM... TRUST ME? TRUST ME.

TRUST ME? TRUST ME. >> DON'T BE CLOSE TO MY FACE.

TRUST ME. >> DON'T BE CLOSE TO MY FACE. >> YOU JUST HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF

>> DON'T BE CLOSE TO MY FACE. >> YOU JUST HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF POOP IN YOUR COLON.

>> YOU JUST HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF POOP IN YOUR COLON. WHAT'S YOUR E-MAIL?

POOP IN YOUR COLON. WHAT'S YOUR E-MAIL? I'LL SEND IT RIGHT OVER TO YOU.

WHAT'S YOUR E-MAIL? I'LL SEND IT RIGHT OVER TO YOU. HERE YOU GO.

I'LL SEND IT RIGHT OVER TO YOU. HERE YOU GO.

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SO GLAD TO HAVE THEM BACK -- BEYONCé AND JAY-Z!

SIT YOUR BIG, BEAUTIFUL, BLACK ASS DOWN, YOU GORGEOUS INDEPENDENT KING!