The League

Hi, I'm Andre Nowzick.

I'm a successful plastic surgeon.

But I'm also a single human person.

Experience Andre.

I sweat like a man.

And I smell like... Ow!

I work the street like a man.

I order my steak rare like a man.

Taco?! What are you doing?

Say, "I operate on women like a man."

I'm in surgery.

Are those boobs? Gross!

Are you eating in here?

I'm just snacking. Chip?

No. Get out of here!

Experience Andre.

Anyway, after this Sukkot fiasco, does not look

like baby Jeffrey will be attending a Jewish preschool.

But I think I found a better solution.

I'm going to hire some live-in help.

Wait.

You're not talking about... Indeed, I am.

I am getting an au pair.

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

Son of a bitch.

I've always wanted an au pair.

I want a kid so I can have an au pair.

Even the words au pair, they just, like... Au pair!

Son of a... don't make that face.

Au pair!

Pair!

Ooh, hey, ooh!

Hello, champion of the dating video. Whoo!

All due to this guy right here, Mr. Taco.

I gotta ask.

Have you just been getting a bunch of numbers from dudes?

Guys, online dating is a perfectly acceptable way for

those society has shunned to get together and ideally colonize another planet.

No, no, I'm not judging on the concept, just mortified by the execution.

Yeah, what's up with the images of the animals having sex?

Is that... Those were subliminal messages.

Taco, they can't be subliminal if they're on for 20 seconds.

That's just obvious.

No, obvious would be human beings having sex, and Andre made me take those

images out.

My video went viral, and the women have been coming in in droves.

Really?

Look what the cat dragged in... if the cat was into dragging in chicks.

If we're looking at photos, I got some photos of, au pair applicants.

All right.

Let's do a little... Let's do a little photo-off here.

Let's see what we got.

See what we got.

All right, well, let's get rid of any man.

That is not the point.

Let me see.

We need someone who can cook, must be good with kids, must know how to read.

Actually, I have the same requirements, but, uh, I don't care that much about

the reading.

Okay, this is the one.

Ashley R. This is my girl.

This is... Oh, my God. She's adorable.

I'm going to go on the record and say that I think this is a bad idea.

You're inviting trouble into your house.

Temptation.

I'm not gonna try to sleep with her.

Have you seen my wife?

She's crazy hot.

Yeah, super hot.

Yeah, I need Jeffrey to get used to hanging out with super hot women.

I don't want my kid going to the park and getting his dong cleaned by some uggo

with a 'stache.

She's in high school.

Your au pair needs an au pair.

Oh, double au pair.

Double au pair!

Ooh, ooh!

What are we doing?

I don't know how this thing's gonna play out.

She's gonna be in the house 24/7, always around.

Ruxin is going to hate that.

I know.

I feel bad for the girl.

She cute?

What? No.

Wow. She must be really hot.

Why, why would you say that?

Because you said, "What? No."

What?

You say that every time you lie.

What? No. No, I don't.

Please. The night you proposed, I said, "What's the bulge in your pocket?"

And you said, "What? I've got testicular cancer."

I was trying to be romantic.

Super romantic.

Um, I need a little help from you with my lineup, whether I

should play Ochocinco... No, I can't, babe.

Why?

I have to get back to work.

Sorry. But really quick though..

Yes?

My laptop is moving super slow.

Have you been looking at porn on my computer?

What? No. Ooh.

Right. Thank you.

You know what? Ask me again.

Give me, give me the question one more time. Come on.

Kevin, have you been looking at porn on my computer?

What? Oh, wow, wow.

See?

Hi!

What are you doing here?

Oh, I was just checking out houses in the neighborhood.

There's nothing around here you can afford.

I thought we had plans.

I never make plans with you, Andre.

Just lending you that bike pump you were asking for.

Oh, the one with my name on it that's in my garage normally?

I'm just here to check out the au pair.

I appreciate your transparency, Taco.

I also need to use your urinal.

We don't have a urinal, just a shower that you pee in.

What?

Look, you guys can all hang out here and watch the games, but that is it.

Do not blow this for me, okay?

Okay.

Fine.

Come on, do you want to play the fishing game with me?

Cool. Got this one?

You don't want to play?

Sorry. Am I distracting you?

No, no.

I don't mean to.

Football's just like white noise.

You want to watch, like, MTV or something?

Oh, that'd be cool.

Mommy?

16 and Pregnant marathon.

Oh, my gosh, I love 16 and Pregnant!

My friend was on that last week.

It was really cool.

This guac is delicious, by the way.

Oh, my gosh, thank you.

Thank you. I never made it before.

And so I just threw in, like, some asparagus, and I hope

you don't mind.

That's unique.

It's delicious.

I think he's, I think he's actually happy.

Yeah, don't, don't shake him.

Okay, let's go.

Sleepy time.

Yes, It's time to go.

Why don't you take him? Yeah.

Okay, okay.

No!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We were having fun!

You can put him down, Sofia.

Gotta say, guys, good vibes on the au pair.

Got an A-plus in the au pair department.

Thanks, guys.

And she's pretty.

Pretty?

I think the word you're looking for is "plain."

You know, because she has those big, fat meat earlobes.

Yeah, yeah, the meat lobes.

Yeah, meat lobes.

Really pointy elbows.

Bet you if you checked her out, you'd find out she's got

a big old retrograde uterus in there.

You know, my sister has a retrograde uterus.

I didn't mean... That's why you can't get a girl.

And then you wonder why you're dating online.

That's a choice, Sofia.

Really? Retrograde uterus?

What do you want me to say?

Just something between earlobes and uterus.

You took it all!

You leave me out there like an island.

The only thing I could say was uterus after elbows over here.

Look, I know what you guys are trying to pull here.

I think you're laying on the charm a little thick.

No!

I thought it was subtle.

We're trying to, you know, help you out a little bit.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Let me make this very clear.

Ashley's here to touch baby Jeffrey's dinger, none of yours.

I'm looking at you, Taco.

I already have two au pairs touching my dinger.

I don't need a third.

You know what?

As a favor to you, Ruxin, I am going to power down--

boof-- the charm machine.

Was that the charm machine that you just shut down?

Yeah.

Why does it have a crank on it?

'Cause, uh, you know, it's old school.